I am 29 years old and this testimony happened when I was 22. God has brought me to such a different place now that I almost find it difficult to believe that this was a reality for me a few years ago.
At 22 I moved to a new city for work and instantly found a house full of other Christian girls who were really welcoming. The friends were great, but work was incredibly dull and I began to feel very low.
This wasn’t particularly new for me as I had always found life a struggle emotionally since about the age of 7. I would feel incredibly lonely, like I was in a bubble, even in a room with my closest friends. On the outside, I carried on with a busy, middle class lifestyle, but inside I was full of sadness.
Bit by bit became aware that I was attracted to other girls.
I can’t really describe how it came about or how I hadn’t been aware of it before. I think its likely that I had been in deep denial for a while. I had been attracted to guys in the past, but right then, I felt paranoid that everyone could see that I was gay / different. I was scared and very alone. I have the belief that God’s Design for marriage is one man, one woman so I had the extremely tough choice… do I choose God and stay single for life, or do I follow my feelings.
Its probably worth saying that questioning your sexuality/ femininity is like nothing else. It’s the most basic part of who you are so it feels extremely disorientating.
I was paranoid about who I could talk to…. girls might be repelled by the idea and felt dangerous to me. If I talked with a guy, I might lead him on mistakenly (my fears weren’t really reflective of reality but they cut me off). I did tell a couple who led my small group, but they didn’t really know what to say, so didn’t say much which was difficult. I didn’t know if they actually believed me.
I became attracted to / obsessed with my housemate and started doing everything with her (she had no idea of my feelings). It was actually her suggestion that we go on a healing retreat. I was completely unaware that God could heal / change your sexuality so I didn’t really go for that!
When we got there, I filled out a very comprehensive checklist of anything that was in need of prayer. I was amazed to see sexuality listed, so I checked the box.
I just knew I had been healed. I don’t know if it was desperation or faith really, but I knew something had changed. I was careful with what I watched, thought, etc. but I only had a few times where I struggled with thought life. I intentionally repaired the relationship with my mum (which some say can affect) and the depression/lowness also disappeared over time.
A couple of years later I had my first boyfriend who actually broke my heart, but in a weird way I was glad that I could love a guy!! (bittersweet right?!) I’m still waiting to meet my husband, but I am confident that God will bring this incredible work that he’s done for me to completion. He really is so so good. I can totally trust Him.
Please do have compassion on anyone who is questioning their sexuality. Please don’t use this testimony to ‘throw any stones’ at anyone. God is incredibly gracious.