Right now I am filled with joy. I am so happy that I have found this web site. I feel the Holy Spirit just wanting me to confess and write my feelings in this post. It is Christmas and I’m very happy that I am with my mother now, I’m happy that I am going to see my children tommorrow.
However, I am sadden because I have lost my children’s mother. I treated her so bad and it just saddens me because her and I never really wholeheartedly tried to work things out for our children. I’m just lonely now. I wish that she was my wife. I’m still living in the past and I’m trying to let go of this attachment. Maybe I am letting go. But I really wish that I had a wife and children and that I raised them in the same household. But I’m always not in the household and now I feel like fighting to be in the household. Why do I have to give up and stop fighting for my childrens mother. Why did I have to leave her. I’m so upset at myself. I’m sure that she is very excited and happy now that I’m not with her. She has been with other men since three years ago and now she has a friend who she talks to. I don’t have a girlfriend. I don’t even talk to another women. I don’t like it. I wish that her and I could work things out I would rather be with her than any other women. But she has told me that she would never be with me again. She has a restraining order on me and she is talking to someone else. Why can’t I just let her go in my heart. Its like alot of pain this rejection that I am feeling. I feel hopeless. I’m trying to find peace in Gods word and I am but this feeling of emptiness won’t leave me. I want to fight for her but something is just telling me to forget about it its over she’s not coming back and we will never be with each other and often times I feel like a coward because I left her and my family.
I often wonder about my life and if it means anything. It seems like the most important things I have lost becasue of poor decisions like my family and my credit. So now I’m complaining but I want all of my family but I can’t make her love me and I understand I’m just trying to get rid of this hurt. So I give it to Jesus. I cursed at her and threatened her life because she told me that I couldn’t see my children so she put an order on me. I feel like I was set up anyways. I probably was because when I was away from her I had relations with another women while she was pregnant. And I am like I was even a christian then. So I’m always asking myself what is wrong with me why did I do such horrible things to her. I think I am crazy often times, but I profess to be a christian. I even witness to people. Now you can see why I often tell myself that i hate myself. I have lost so much my family and my children mother who if I was couragous enough I should have married her. But I didn’t and she had two children for me. So now I feel so hopeless like Idon’t deserve any good thing anymore. That is why I don’t date women. I don’t have a car and I can’t find a woman who is attractive to me on the outside. Plus I have two children and I want their mother because I want to be a father. I want to raise my children. But it seems like I can never make enough money to support my children or myself. And I pay tithes and give offerings and I go to church, it just seems like there is no end to my sufferings. The list goes on and on. But I hear God saying that all things work together for the good to them that love God and are called according to his purpose. I may never have another chance with my childrens mother. She has already told me that she dosen’t want me. I just have to believe that God has someone special for me he said he’d give me the desire of my heart. Not someone that just because she is a christian that she is my wife, but someone that I love and that God loves. I don’t want to give up hope withmy childrens mother but all the signs are saying its over let go and I have let go but these feelings still remain and I’m trying to let go and move on without any bitterness or feeling like a failure because I didn’t try to get her back. I’m still praising God in Jesus name no matter how the pain feels, please pray for me and give me encouragement or whatever I need to hear to heal my heart. I have apologized to her and will do it over and over again until she is satisfied if that is what it would take to heal her. Please help me thanks.