I was a 14 year old teen, struggling ever since middle school. Beginning of my 8th grade year, I would quickly give away my heart to a boy. I gave up many firsts with him including my first real kiss, and eventually my virginity. He would get me into trouble that summer, and me getting the wrath of my father, (which I have forgiven him for), and getting taken out of the school (I had been going to for 8 years). I lost my friends, my social life, the door to my room, any relationship I had with my parents, and sadly my will to live.
Every night I would have suicidal thoughts, even going as far as planning it out. To this day I look back and still don’t know how I am still alive. I tried to tell my mom the thoughts I was having, which wasn’t a good idea. She told my father causing him to get overly angry with me again and threatening to send me away.
I believe God is the only reason I didn’t take my life. I was abusing myself with razors. There were nights I would lay on my bathroom floor crying out, hoping someone would hear me, and no one ever did. I had to keep silent about this struggle; this deep depression. But I know SOMETHING heard me because each time I thought about ending my life, pictures in my head would pop up. Pictures of my family, and all the little things in life that meant something to me.
Year two of being home schooled would quickly come along. Ah the year of change is what I call it. I really started finding myself and God that year. I stopped hurting myself, and am still clean to this day. I learned how to play guitar, ukulele, and would also write songs. For some reason I still thought about this boy, and had feelings for him. It was very painful. I gave him something I can never get back, just to find out he turned into a party boy, who’s giving up on Christ because of his own struggles. Nothing’s worse than knowing the guy you gave everything to, is giving up on Christ.
I began to really reach for God, because the hurt in my heart was becoming un-bearing. I started learning that there’s a love greater than my struggles, my hurt, my dad/family and this boy. This love is never failing, never leaving, and always forgiving. One day I heard a lyric from the song “We Dance” by Bethel:
“And I’ve been told to pick up my sword and fight for love, little did I know that love had won for me.”
This lyric means so much to me knowing that I didn’t have to fight for God’s love. This love died for me. I had been saved at 10, but didn’t understand how much God loves me until I began to struggle.
I started living for God, loving him more than ever, And just simply resting in his peace and trusting him. Now, almost year three, I have been receiving blessing upon blessings. I got into cosmetology school, started playing guitar and singing at my church, welcomed my new niece into this world, I have a very good relationship with my mom, and working on one with my dad. I have met some of the best and most loving friends from church, and currently meeting new ones at cosmetology school. I’m also preparing to buy a start up recording for my songs and worship songs!
I still do struggle at times, but I just give it to God. I have learned to be at peace in his presence, and start listening to the holy spirit and let Him move me. His love is unconditional to us, no matter what we have done or gone through.
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
– Isaiah 41:10.