My child’s father gave me Herpes 1 and 2, years ago. Not only did he give me this STD. He also gave our child HSV 1 by sharing drinks knowing he suffered from cold sores. when we met, I’ve never seen him get cold sores ever but when my son broke out in his mouth with painful sores, I was livid. When the Dr told me my child would have to live with this for the rest of his life I nearly passed out from shame and guilt. This led me to get tested. Results came back positive, and he nonchalantly told me he had HSV 1 and that everyone has it.
I was so hurt! I couldn’t believe it. He even had the audacity to tell me he doesn’t have Type 2.
I immediately left the relationship it was very abusive physically and emotionally any way. I thought to myself no one would want me ever so I would let him have his way with me sometimes. I went from this beautiful young lady to the walking disease. My child’s father treated me like the scum of the earth after this. After a few months he completely cut me off got into a new relationship and left me to deal with it all alone. Obviously, he’s asymptomatic and his girlfriend must be too.
The first year after finding out my kid suffered greatly from the painful mouth sores. I used to be up all night praying and crying for him. And then getting up the next day to go to work and pretend to be happy. I got saved and gave my life to Jesus.
I joined church and grew a zeal in my heart for Jesus. I just wanted everyone to know about him because he actually saved me from suicide. The next year my kid was doing a little better but each time he would get a cold sore I would hide him from the public afraid he might accidentally pass this to another innocent child. During this time, I felt like the worst mother on planet earth.
Throughout the years I’ve fastest, prayed, begged God to heal us. I went to different churches and would ask for healing prayers. In 2021 I decided to get aggressive with my prayers I didn’t show symptoms of herpes type 2 I would only get sores in my mouth but not as often as my kid.
When my kid would get cold sores, I believe his dad would be ashamed because he would drop him off early if he was supposed to be spending time with him. My heart just always breaks into a million pieces because he knows he did this to us. But I forgave him for it.
On Mother’s Day I lay in bed and felt a bump on my vagina. I immediately knew it was symptoms from HSV 2. I cried so hard I couldn’t understand for the life of me WHY I had to go through this. I prayed and built up the courage to go get tested again I prayed that I was healed and so was my kid. I even told someone closed to me that I was going to receive a huge supernatural miracle. That’s how much I built my faith up the day of my retesting. The lady took my blood and I left confident that I was healed.
The next week I picked up my results I looked at the paper and the results were still positive. I grew very numb, it’s like I couldn’t feel any emotions. I questioned God and grew angry as the days went by. Through all of this no matter what I would always share the gospel and my testimony every opportunity I got, though I’m broken and a mess in my soul I can’t picture myself not serving God.
To the readers I just want y’all to know that I am depressed. I’m broken. I’m a beautiful woman but I hate my life. Everyday it’s a mental battle for me to just live. To just be a mother. Today my son has a nasty cold sore. He’s at an age where he notices it now. He’s asking questions and is self-conscious about it.
I just want him to know how very sorry I am. I always talk to him about Jesus. I’ve done everything. Only one person knows I’m dealing with this. I haven’t been in a relationship since I found out. I’m tormented on how I ruined the possibility of me having more children, on how I ripped away my kid having a great godly man in his life as a dad. How I ruined my life, I know I’m forgiven by Jesus. I know that I am a new person created in Christ, but the SINS of my past followed me into my life in CHRIST.
I have no business being mad at God in all truth I’m disappointed in myself. I put up the fake act on how I want to be single forever, but the truth is I long for kingdom marriage. I want more kids. I just want to live. I just want to be healed. There is nothing more that I want in this life but health. Especially for my kid.
Today I laid on the couch all day. This is what I do on the days I’m having an outbreak. Sometimes I’ll pray and worship. I still go to church, so I hear the word of God a million times about healing. And about faith. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s either I don’t have faith or Jesus doesn’t want to heal me right now. It’s like people don’t understand this type of shame and pain. All they want to say is PRAY and have FAITH. But they don’t know when I’m at home alone crying, fasting and praying until I grow faint.
Everyone knows me as this Christian woman now. They see my life and always tell me how they inspire to be like me. What they don’t know is that I am a broken vessel. I feel like Job in the Bible. My sin and affliction are before me day and night. My sin has caused my seed to suffer. I am tormented day and night. I am tormented at weddings. I’m tormented that all my sisters in Christ are married. I’m tormented while working during painful outbreaks. I look in the mirror on the outside I see beauty but that don’t mean a thing… at events men always try to talk to me but I always shut them down I could never bring this type of pain on no one.
It’s like the more and harder I seek God the more outbreaks, the more depression I get. The more I ask God for guidance it seems the more he goes away from me. So, I just ask everyone for prayers because I’ve done all that I know to do.
