I was the third child and only daughter of me and my brothers. I grew up with 4 brothers, though I have more. My father was abusive towards my mother, as most meth addicted people are. When I was roughly a year old my mother moved us into my grandmother’s. From my earliest memories, my mother almost seemed to pass through. My grandparents were raising us, and I loved them deeply.
One of my brothers was very aggressive and in a way, flirtatious with me. Acting certain ways showing me things saying very inappropriate things causing a lot of damage. When I was 11 my mother decided it was time for us to move back with her. Things were very weird, a lot of hostility between my brothers and I, some sexual things that unfortunately haunt me to this day.
When I was roughly 12, I met my father. He was very fond of me and often told me how he favored me for being the only girl… hated him and never gave him the time of day. He was murdered a year later. The guilt I had within me quickly brought me to drugs and alcohol at 14. Based on how men viewed me and me desiring attention and to mean something to men, my teens were full of men using me for sex and me changing sexual partners frequently. I was drunk, drugged, and unstable in all of my ways. By the time I was 18 I was pregnant not even knowing who the father was. I loved to party, so I got an abortion.
The next few years it was all the same. I had 3 more by the time I was 21. I cannot in the slightest way put into words the self-hatred had for everything. God was calling me, and I had no idea what would come next.
One night in my room, I was at ends with myself. I slightly remember crying to God in shame, just humiliated. I went from sexually immoral, a drunkard, a murderer of my own children, to a relationship so toxic that I wanted to end my life. Alone in my room I was alone and certain I deserved hell.
A few days later a friend I used to party with who was deployed in Africa reached out to me. We started dating shortly after and it turns out he was a catholic, except he read the bible. In a matter of 6 months I was pregnant once more. This time, because I wanted to be with him, I kept it.
With not being able to party while pregnant, I picked up the bible my boyfriend spoke of. God knocked me off of my feet. I struggled to understand everything, but something happened to me I couldn’t get enough of that book. I was put on bed rest because my cervix was so thin, I assume from abortions, and God used this time so heavily to draw me in. Quickly after, I realised contradictions in the bible with my boyfriend’s catholic faith. He was not happy he was even having a baby with me and this made him hate me.
I didn’t give up on wanting to show him, in fact, God didn’t give up on wanting to show him. I’m sure he was annoyed with the ongoing texts and conversations of scriptural based motives to give him eyes to only glorify the Lord… eventually he denounced Mary. This was not however a glorious moment. Things seemed get even worse after our daughter was born and he was honorably discharged from the military.
We decided to have him move in with me and my grandparents, which at the time, I didn’t know was sinful. He hated me and I grew resentful quickly. He wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. Things got very physical multiple times. Cops have been called by other people. There was even one time knives were thrown and a gun picked up, by me as well as him, we were crazy.
I went back to drinking, leaving my daughter with a sitter constantly, trying to preach God’s word while wasted with my friends. I’m not surprised none of my seeds were watered. It was disgusting. A few years had passed, my boyfriend and I were together now 4 years and things had not changed. While drunk I slept with another man. When I came home and told him I kissed this man things got even more violent and aggressive.
A year later I was left looking at my life. Who was I? What happened to my faith? God surely didn’t leave, I had left. Oh, how foolish I was. I realised the people in my life didn’t care about my soul, and they were ugly people chasing after unrighteousness, and here I sat with them wasting away. Shortly after having these thoughts permeate my mind, I ended up telling my boyfriend I had done more than kiss a man. He was absolutely devastated but did not get aggressive this time, he seemed softened and I did not know why.
I still struggled with the Lord as I felt ashamed not desiring to even have the Lord look at me because of who I was. I walked away from the most precious thing anyone has ever seen. Jesus Christ. A lady at my work and her husband were speaking with me. They were devout believers. She questioned me about my living conditions and pointed out I was living in sin and that’s why I was struggling because I wouldn’t give it up. You cannot serve two masters, I was my master, and I brought destruction on myself.
My boyfriend and I later watched a sermon saying, “if you’re being lukewarm in your faith you know you are, do whatever you have to not be anymore.” “Okay Jesus, I hear ya. I’m ready for you to save me, there is nothing good in me” or something as such were my thoughts.
And he did.
I moved out. We weren’t married constantly fighting sleeping together. Even though I had stopped partying I was putting my selfish desire before the Lord. At the time I was hated for this, by my boyfriend, my friends, even one of my brothers thought I was so foolish. Everyone mocked me, everyone mocked my faith. Everyone was against me but the Lord was with me, convicting and leading me. Hallelujah.
Christ led me to such a deep place of repentance. I was so eager to please Him, and he never once gave up on me, I was saved and saved by his grace alone. Yet while a sinner, Christ died for me.
A few months past and my boyfriend started to feel a calling. We both did. It all went by so quickly I wish I had more to say. We were asked by my pastor why do you want to be married, I gave him the answer shortly summarized, that Christ called me to him by using my boyfriend in the beginning of our relationship, and he used me to show him the truth of scripture. We felt the Lord had a plan for us and slowly, and even harshly at times, we were growing.
We got married in the year of 2019 and my oh my what a glorious year it was for me. I gained this assurance of God’s love for me by reading John and Isaiah, and Romans. God had done it! The cross was enough for me to be saved! He saved me simply because He wanted to and it had nothing to do with me trying. I longed for this moment and pleaded since I first picked up the bible, God had shown me unending grace through my backsliding. His sovereignty… made all I have meant for evil, good. I was baptized and have learned the beauty of Gods body. I give him so much praise for saving and blessing someone so wretched and evil.
This last year my husband has seemed to completely come out of his religious upbringing. God is leading him to do nothing but read the bible. Please pray as he is struggling with understanding grace. What a blessing it’s been to be used by God to minister to my husband, to have him come to me because he trusts that the Lord has worked in me by the change he’s seen within my soul.
I prayed a lot of years to see Gods work but now that I am here and see His timing and hand in all things I pray to never again complain about the wait. He is truly a magnificent God. He gives so much and takes so much. He is all authoritative and just. He torments souls to bring people to deep repentance and deep fellowship with him. He pulls us from the pit and gives life.
I pray only now as I look at my beautiful 5-year-old daughter, to never stop seeing her as the grace of God given to the least deserving mother of all. To see her sing to Jesus and speak of Him to everyone she knows is something I truly do not deserve. I pray deeply that He draws her little soul to Himself, that we may all at last bask in the Glory of Christ forever and ever. Glory be to God. May I praise you always in speech and action!