Hello everyone. First of all, I would like to thank you sharing my testimony. Second, I would like to say that this is the first time I ever write something like that (but I promised God I would if I got through this).
My background: I got raised in a Christian environment, but nothing strict. My parents believed in God but expected us to believe automatically and the subject never really was opened in the house. I always used to go to church as a duty, because most of my friends back then used to go to church (but they weren’t committed Christians) so I enjoyed their company (so church became a place of socializing for me). I had a great life. My family is well-off financially. I used to go to the best private school in the region. I had a boyfriend and a lot of close friends. I always ranked the first in my school and everything was pretty glamorous (in other words, I had the best of everything).
When college admissions approached, I got accepted to the best University in the country and pursued my BS in Biology. It was far from my hometown, so I rented an apartment near the campus, so I was all alone. I didn’t have much time to see my family and friends, and so I slowly got disconnected. however, my boyfriend worked in a nearby town so I was very happy to see him nearly every day. My grades were good, but not as good. This was because I started studying less due to drama arising in my life.
After being 2 years with my boyfriend, he started taking me for granted, verbally and emotionally abusing me. I was broken. I loved him so much that I couldn’t imagine a day without him despite all the hurt inside. I stayed with him for 5 years total until God gave me the strength to break off the chains which I can’t comprehend until this present day. I really don’t know how I was able to cut off a 5 year abusive relationship. Throughout these years, many events made me question creation and the presence of God. As a student in the scientific field, I researched a lot about it and found God to be so real.
Once I Accepted Jesus Christ into my life, everything started to change. I felt him. I really did, all around me (I really can’t describe this in words). But I was wrecked, helpless and felt that my hands were tied up with my boyfriend since I really loved him. I understood things in my way (I used to convince myself that love is the most powerful thing so I have to endure for love’s sake).
So I endured the emotional abuse. But I always used to speak to god in extreme days of distress, telling Him: “Do you really want me to live this way? Why me? He makes me feel worthless. He is draining away my energy. He makes fun of You when I tell him how much you love him. He tries to belittle me, mock me, DISRESPECTS ME and never really cares about my career and studies. He never cared about making me a better person. Please pleasssee (I’d scream and shout) asking god to remove the pain, by either fixing him or giving me the strength to leave. To make the story short, after a year of surrendering things to Him, drastic changes occurred in my life and I had a green sign to leave. I hesitated, but I just felt the strength to leave.( it wasn’t easy but He who is with me is greater than He who is in the world). This happened first year in medical school.
After breaking up, I used to hang out a lot with my friends in medical school. they are all atheists or just didn’t care about religion. I felt ridiculed, mocked, and stupidified because of my faith in Christ. they told me its a shame that a doctor-to-be is witnessing all those breakthroughs in science and medicine and still believes in God. They told me that I was deluded, and God was a person that fulfills my emotional needs. To them, people believe god to satisfy themselves emotionally so they can be happy. I kept resisting, but I can’t deny that doubts weren’t seeping in. I won’t deny the fact, that in a couple of weeks, my reason and faith clashed and I drowned in a sea of doubts. I believed in God but what if? What if the bible was wrong? What if my rescue of past struggles was a coincidence? what if people really use god as their emotional crutch (cz to be honest Jesus was the only hope for me in life, he was the reason I didn’t want to kill myself).
I embarked on another journey of researching about Christianity. It seemed that my mind always asked a question (for ex the historicity of the bible) and I researched the question extensively but then after solving it, another question pops up in my brain. I felt like those rats in the research labs that keep running on the wheel and never having the chance to take a breath. I wanted to know the truth. I fought for the truth with every fiber of my being. But the more I fought for it, the deeper I sank in the sea of doubt. I kept reading the bible, but not being able to trust it. I prayed, but never knew if there is someone up there hearing me.
Sometimes, I would just break down and cry even in public. I felt that my brain has become a battlefield. I couldn’t concentrate on medical school and I started to get REALLY REALLY low grades (grades I’ve never had before). I couldn’t talk to people, couldn’t focus on anything. there was an endless battle in my brain that was draining me mentally, emotionally, socially, academically and physically. Everyone around me noticed a change in my behavior and attitude, my isolation, that some even postulated that I’m mourning a loss of someone close!!
It literally felt that that every time I reach the surface and finally take a breath of air, some strong force pushes me back to the core bottom of the sea. It was horrible. I tried to read hundreds of testimonies, and this is how I found this site, hoping that perhaps real life encounters might help me and guide me in the truth that God is real.
Yet, yesterday, I started to have troubling thoughts: what if everybody writing books, publishing articles, forming blogs and websites about their heavenly encounters, ndes, visions, encounters with Jesus.. what if all those were just doing it for some profit? Or someone was paying them for lying to the public? And at that particular moment, everything had struck me. I found myself to be the most illogical and irrational human being on earth. Who would want to pay people from different cultures, different religious backgrounds, all the way to the times of the old testament which is more 2000 years? What the hell am I thinking?
“Are you hearing yourself”,
I’d say. Then I realized that this is the devil trying to make me believe lies! Lies! Liesss! Irrational lies! he made my life miserable. I was in a total mental block drowning in doubt and it was all because of the evil spirits trying to throw illusions and lies whenever I come with the conclusion that Jesus is real and the bible is true and the people’s testimonies are genuine! Please reply if you have anything to say.
Thank you so much for taking time to read this. Believe me, it was the hardest thing I ever went through.