Hello everyone. First of all, I would like to thank you sharing my testimony. Second, I would like to say that this is the first time I ever write something like that (but I promised God I would if I got through this).
My background: I got raised in a Christian environment, but nothing strict. My parents believed in God but expected us to believe automatically and the subject never really was opened in the house. I always used to go to church as a duty, because most of my friends back then used to go to church (but they weren’t committed Christians) so I enjoyed their company (so church became a place of socializing for me).
I had a great life. My family is well-off financially. I used to go to the best private school in the region. I had a boyfriend and a lot of close friends. I always ranked the first in my school and everything was pretty glamorous (in other words, I had the best of everything).
When college admissions approached, I got accepted to the best University in the country and pursued my BS in Biology. It was far from my hometown, so I rented an apartment near the campus, so I was all alone. I didn’t have much time to see my family and friends, and so I slowly got disconnected. however, my boyfriend worked in a nearby town so I was very happy to see him nearly every day. My grades were good, but not as good. This was because I started studying less due to drama arising in my life.
After being 2 years with my boyfriend, he started taking me for granted, verbally and emotionally abusing me. I was broken. I loved him so much that I couldn’t imagine a day without him despite all the hurt inside. I stayed with him for 5 years total until God gave me the strength to break off the chains which I can’t comprehend until this present day. I really don’t know how I was able to cut off a 5-year abusive relationship. Throughout these years, many events made me question creation and the presence of God. As a student in the scientific field, I researched a lot about it and found God to be so real.
Once I Accepted Jesus Christ into my life, everything started to change. I felt him. I really did, all around me (I really can’t describe this in words). But I was wrecked, helpless and felt that my hands were tied up with my boyfriend since I really loved him. I understood things in my way (I used to convince myself that love is the most powerful thing, so I have to endure for love’s sake).
So I endured the emotional abuse. But I always used to speak to God in extreme days of distress, telling Him: “Do you really want me to live this way? Why me? He makes me feel worthless. He is draining away my energy. He makes fun of You when I tell him how much you love him. He tries to belittle me, mock me, DISRESPECTS ME and never really cares about my career and studies. He never cared about making me a better person. Please pleasssee (I’d scream and shout) asking God to remove the pain, by either fixing him or giving me the strength to leave.
To make the story short, after a year of surrendering things to Him, drastic changes occurred in my life, and I had a green sign to leave. I hesitated, but I just felt the strength to leave (it wasn’t easy but He who is with me is greater than He who is in the world). This happened first year in medical school.
After breaking up, I used to hang out a lot with my friends in medical school. they are all atheists or just didn’t care about religion. I felt ridiculed, mocked, and stupidified because of my faith in Christ. they told me it’s a shame that a doctor-to-be is witnessing all those breakthroughs in science and medicine and still believes in God. They told me that I was deluded, and God was a person that fulfills my emotional needs. To them, people believe God to satisfy themselves emotionally so they can be happy.
I kept resisting, but I can’t deny that doubts weren’t seeping in. I won’t deny the fact, that in a couple of weeks, my reason and faith clashed, and I drowned in a sea of doubts. I believed in God but what if? What if the bible was wrong? What if my rescue of past struggles was a coincidence? what if people really use god as their emotional crutch (cz to be honest Jesus was the only hope for me in life, he was the reason I didn’t want to kill myself).
I embarked on another journey of researching about Christianity. It seemed that my mind always asked a question (for ex the historicity of the bible) and I researched the question extensively but then after solving it, another question pops up in my brain. I felt like those rats in the research labs that keep running on the wheel and never having the chance to take a breath. I wanted to know the truth. I fought for the truth with every fiber of my being. But the more I fought for it, the deeper I sank in the sea of doubt. I kept reading the bible, but not being able to trust it. I prayed, but never knew if there is someone up there hearing me.
Sometimes, I would just break down and cry even in public. I felt that my brain has become a battlefield. I couldn’t concentrate on medical school, and I started to get REALLY REALLY low grades (grades I’ve never had before). I couldn’t talk to people, couldn’t focus on anything. there was an endless battle in my brain that was draining me mentally, emotionally, socially, academically and physically. Everyone around me noticed a change in my behavior and attitude, my isolation, that some even postulated that I’m mourning a loss of someone close!!
It literally felt that that every time I reach the surface and finally take a breath of air, some strong force pushes me back to the core bottom of the sea. It was horrible. I tried to read hundreds of testimonies, and this is how I found this site, hoping that perhaps real-life encounters might help me and guide me in the truth that God is real.
Yet, yesterday, I started to have troubling thoughts: what if everybody writing books, publishing articles, forming blogs and websites about their heavenly encounters, ndes, visions, encounters with Jesus. What if all those were just doing it for some profit? Or someone was paying them for lying to the public? And at that particular moment, everything had struck me. I found myself to be the most illogical and irrational human being on earth. Who would want to pay people from different cultures, different religious backgrounds, all the way to the times of the Old Testament which is more 2000 years? What the hell am I thinking?
“Are you hearing yourself”,
I’d say. Then I realized that this is the devil trying to make me believe lies! Lies! Liesss! Irrational lies! he made my life miserable. I was in a total mental block drowning in doubt, and it was all because of the evil spirits trying to throw illusions and lies whenever I come with the conclusion that Jesus is real and the bible is true, and the people’s testimonies are genuine! Please reply if you have anything to say.
Thank you so much for taking time to read this. Believe me, it was the hardest thing I ever went through.
daughterofchrist I had something like this happen to me but more about being attacked with doubt about salvation. Looking back on it I can see that it was definitely based in fear and just progressively getting more absurd or “illogical” like you mentioned, the thought that all testimonies might be for profit. I think there are even some discussions about this type of thing on the site. I will post the link if I can find it. Thanks for posting and being open about your experience.
Thank you emory for your feedback. It was a hard time because the atmosphere I’m in is very destructive and hostile.
This website, with all of those powerful testimonies, HAS LITERALLY CHANGED MY LIFE.
My sister, i found myself in a similar situation and to the extent everyone turned down on me, i cried for close to six months and there was no positive improvement, i asked myself numerous questions which i couldn’t have an answer to. i went through the worse but in all these, there was something at the back of my mind (God) because i have been grounded in the truth before so even when i gave up everything and got sunked in sin, i still knew the real truth that God id real and because of the truth dwelled in me, i always wake up from my sins and get strengthened in God’s way.
i keep falling and awaking several times until i awake one day and asked myself a question, i earlier on said if i fall a thousand times, i shall wake a thousand times but at the time, i asked myself for how long will i continue to fall, then i have to make a decision and pray for God to strengthen me because i realized life in Christ is the best but earthly life breaks us if we don’t get strengthened in Christ.
i also realized on thing again that, if the world comes to an end and i get to know there was no God, i will never regret it because i thought of something else which is life is all about faith and if the unbelievers believe they can worship a stone which doesn’t have life and they will get all they want, think of this, how about you adding the greatest value to your life by worshiping a lively God, compare this two and see if you can see what i see.
i have lived a life full of faith where i had nothing but have everything now that i have God. email me on (gibsong09 at aol dot com) i have a powerful video to show to you and i will also explain it to you, i believe you will totally change to be a better person. God is the Ultimate there is none like him and none will ever be like him, this is just a decision to make decide and follow with a strong faith and all the doubt will fade off. you need somebody and i am here to help you out anytime, just email me and i will help you through.
Glory be to God.
Hi Ernest, feel free to post a link to the video here and if published, everyone can check it out. Thanks.
Hi.
All those who seek God and want to live for Him undergo spiritual battle. The bible says that satan is the father of all lies, He is the accuser of the brethren, A thief that came to steal and murder.
Just this week the Holy Spirit woke me up in the wee hours of the morning as the accuser was standing in front of God trying to discredit and bring accusation against me. It took me to present my case (there is a real court in heaven) that I am washed by the power and blood of the lamb who is faithful and true and that im a stick snatched from the fire. (see Zechariah 3).
Trust the Holy Spirit for guidance and God will break through in a mighty way. One thing satan also cannot stand is the breaking of bread. Do that even daily if you must and anoint yourself with oil (that is a type of the Holy Spirit) and call on the mighty angels of God to support you in this battle. I pray that Our ABBA FATHER will keep you and reveal Himself to you in a supernatural way!
thank you so much georgina for your sweet words! they lifted me up!! i tried my best to keep up with my prayers and reading the bible, even in my darkest hours and in the worst doubts, so I hope i can eventually get back to my strong faith someday
I just wanted to vent here. What a horrible relationship you were in. It amazes me how good intelligent probably beautiful people such as yourself become drawn to someone who doesn’t appreciate them for who they are and what they can do. I’m hurting right now myself. I have broken up with a woman who was so nice to me and I see her at work. We were together for three years. It just seems like our relationship was a joke and to be honest sometimes I feel like my life is a joke. I mean when I examine all of the problems and things that are going on in my life, it is so overwhelming. I mean, one problem after another. But I try to put my faith in Jesus. I know that he loves me. You said that you felt him. I long to feel him. I don’t feel him. I used to feel him. I just don’t know how to get a hold of my emotions. Maybe I’m just a feely type of individual. Maybe your atheist friends had a point. Maybe God is all about emotion. I don’t understand why I have to feel so much pain emotionally. It’s amazing. I just have to keep believing in God. Please pray for me. I know that God can heal my hurt and that I’ll be ok if I just let go and give him this time in my life. That is the plan. Maybe its not about a feeling with God, Maybe its just about knowing that he is there and that he loves us and that we will make it if we just give all of our problems to him. Thank you.
hello Jamal. yes i know what you mean. The thing is, he was not like that at the start of the relationship. I believe that usually all relationships start in a ‘lovey dovy’ atmosphere you know. but after the ice melts, what’s underneath the layers show, and that was already too late for me because i was already so in love with him. But i never gave up. In my doubts and pains, i prayed for strength to either fix it or end it. Even after i had the strength to end it, satan wanted to cover me up with guilt and convince me that it’s my fault when everyone around me can clearly see its not. It wasn’t easy but I always believed the following, and I want you to consider it: >If the God we serve PARTED THE RED SEA, RAISED THE DEAD, AND HEALED THE SICK, then He would DEFINITELY listen to our prayers if we diligently seek Him. I’m not in my best state at all since I have been going through a horrible spiritual warfare. but i want to fight. i want to fight, because if God sent his Son to die on that cross to give me life, then He surely would not let me struggle in my pain if I seek him with all my heart. it might take a couple of days, months or even years but He is my only hope and I’m clinging to that hope so bad
And by the way, you are surely hurt as much as she is, and have faith that we don’t know and can’t understand everything all the time even if we strongly believe we are right. God knows and he wants to direct us in a path that glorifies him. You never know what might be ahead of you in the future.
Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight..”
Daughterofchrist, Jamall, Ernest Gibson…
Praise our Lord JESUS. I am really proud of you for not feeling ashamed to write out your Testimonies. Now The LORD tells you (Eph2:1-5) Glory to God for delivering you. We re surely ready to pray for you but one of the keys to answered prayers being specific.
The question is, Do you want prayers for a true wife/husband from God? OR do you want prayers for healing your hurts? OR do you want prayers for not falling into temptations again Or do you want prayers for strong faith OR Else? all questions seem important but determination is in you.
BE SPECIFIC. Read Mark 10:46-47,51.
In this passage, Jesus sought to teach a great lesson in effectual prayers. Blind Bartimaeus cried fervently, “Have mercy on me”. He was convinced Jesus could heal him of his blindness. His appeal was to the compassion of the LORD. It all seemed very simple. That is why the reply of the LORD was rather strange. He asked him, “What do you want me to do for you?” What else then, would a blind man want but a restoration of sight? It seemed so obvious, that the LORD Him self, WHO KNOWS THE SECRETS OF THE HEARTS OF MEN, OUGHT NOT TO HAVE ASKED. Or, so one would think. Yet, the LORD asked him “what do you want me to do?”
Many think that because GOD knows every thing, there is no need to present their cases with precision. “He knows anyway,” is often the statement used by some to cover up. Vagueness in prayers suggests an unsettled mind. A wavering mind will not receive anything from God (James 1:6-7)
The reason why GOD wants us to be SPECIFIC is, so that we will have no difficulty assigning the glory to HIM when the answer comes
God bless.
Rose, I really appreciate your advice.. You gave me hope and encouragement for praying and being determined. You provided the exact words I wanted to hear.
A BIG THANK YOU
Amen dear Friend but you Aren’t specific yet. I am a married woman now but I passed through a lot of temptations before to the extent that I started asking God never to get married. But when I got saved, I then experienced new breakthrough in my life and I apologize for my own curse that I had caused to my life. But remember I decided not to get married after a confusion of life that I passed through not knowing that it was a devil. After the deliverance, I became specific in my prayers that I needed a husband and GOD did exactly.
“All good gifts and perfect presents come from above.” Read James 1:17
You can share with me your prayer request if you wish please on my email; rosevicjoh at gmail dot com.
God bless you daughterofchrist
Dear sister, I can understand your struggles. I went through having the same thoughts about God and the bible not being real. I was raised in a catholic home all my life then when I was on my own, I went to a Catholic Church near my home. I attended a bible study and over time I could see the contradictions of the catholic doctrines and the bible. I concluded that either one is a lie or they both were. The seeds of doubt were planted and eventually I quit the Catholic Church but instead of seeking God deeper in the bible, the enemy started to work on my mind and by “synchronicity” I was discovering the “new age” and fell into that for 15 yrs!! I really believed I could control my destiny with just having “positive thoughts” and meditatition, among other things that God hates.
I realize now that it was the enemy leading me away from Jesus, lying to me, and deceiving me since the new age has been there all along since Adam and Eve!!
If only I had trusted JESUS to keep showing me his truth in his word BUT He saved me 6 yrs ago. I went through horrible torment when I got saved. I will have to write a testimony on that here. Anyhow, the torment was to make me stop pursuing JESUS. I’m sure if you had stop seeking the truth, the enemy would have left you alone. Jesus told me, If the devil isn’t bothering you or trying to make you miserable, then you had better worry and come back to my cross.
The enemy doesn’t have much time left, which is why I think the world seems to grow more insane each day. Even good Christians are being attacked in their families, finances, addictions because it is a serious battle for souls. The devil is a liar, a murderer, deceiver and a thief, he will not stop at nothing to find our weak spot and send his minions to get to work. I thank God for the Blood of Jesus.
Be strong in Jesus name, sing praises to him, it will make the enemy run away quickly!, God Bless!!
PS I attend a Pentecostal church of God and I LOVE IT, the Holy Spirit power is awesome!!!
Veronica 🙂 Thank you for reading my testimony! Yes, i would love to hear about your testimony!! and by the way, what you said makes a lot of sense since the more i sought Jesus, the more i felt attacked!
rose thank you for coming back to my post. I will email you in a bit 🙂
I was going through the exact thing.. i feel you. Im a student in college as well, and i always hear those thoughts in my mind:
“Jesus is all you want to create in your mind, he is not real”.
This really tormented me as I had this strong internal struggle but I finally was able to feel the light and peace of our God and it helped me break free.
This phase was so long (A couple of years) for me to finally break free. Even when I didn’t believe, I used to prAY. Even when doubts were seeping in, I insisted that I Have felt Jesus. I KEPT RESISTING UNTIL IT FLED ME.