TRIGGER WARNING: I MENTION SOME VERY HARD THINGS TO READ FOR SOME. PROCEED WITH CAUTION! AND DON’T READ THIS IF YOU ARE NOT AN ADULT.
Hello! This is LONG overdue and I have gotten many asks on my testimony, so I am now going to go ahead and write it all for you!
My name is Ashley, and I am 20 yrs old.
I never grew up in a religious-based household, or with anyone who was seeking for truth. I lived with my mother my entire life since she and my dad never married, and they split up when I was 3 yrs old.
At a very young age, I was exposed to lots of sexual immorality such as pornography and crude, sexual talk. This soon led me to get enslaved in the sin of indulging in pornography as young as 11 or 12 years old and this continued my entire life until I was 19.
At 15 years old I became VERY rebellious. I began sleeping with older men, jumping from relationship to relationship, smoking, sneaking out at night, lying to my mother where I was going, spending the night at boyfriends’ houses, drinking, and partying.
Not too long after, I soon began to dabble into New Age, Hinduism, Buddhism, The Occult, Yoga, Shamanism and other DARK and DECEPTIVE false religions. I began collecting MANY books on these topics and my library was overflowing. I got super drawn into the yoga/hippie way of living…So, I ended up getting dreadlocks around 16 yrs old, smoking pot, still engaging in sexual immorality continuously, and at 16-17 years old I really began to go downhill.
At 16 – I began going to desert/rave gatherings with many drugged out people, and no police or authority to watch over anyone. I was going to these, camping away from home full weekends at a time without my mother or father ever really knowing. I got into doing molly, cocaine, ketamine and other party drugs while thinking I HAD to do these things in order to be ‘spiritual.’ I also traveled alone by plane to meet random people from the internet, and by train. Usually, men who bought these tickets for me.
At 17, I had a boyfriend who was 23 years old and he introduced me into hard, psychedelic drugs such as LSD, Mushrooms, DMT, etc. I began doing these drugs thinking I had to engage in them in order to reach some higher, esoteric level of enlightenment, or reach a sort of ‘’god consciousness.’’ I began to REALLY lose my mind and have numerous bad trips, memory loss, psychosis and saw lots of demonic activity in and around me. I even ran away to Vegas for an entire two weeks without talking to any family and continued to be brainwashed by this man and taken advantage of immensely. After that relationship, I had another one who was into the same thing. Older, and had access to psychedelics. The cycle began to REPEAT. I was raped, used, abused more than a few times at this age. I was naive and indulged in any drug I was given and began to really lose myself, my family and identity. A similar thing happened at 17 with a 50-year-old man who went by the name Broly in the festival world. He claimed to be God, and that he was here to save my soul. He manipulated me, gave me drugs, raped me, and kept telling me this was the truth and that he was the way to spiritual awakening. I was SO brainwashed. He even had his own published religion that seemed very real to me. Granted, I was already brainwashed by many other false religions (I had NO clue what the gospel really was, or who Jesus was at the time).
After escaping that very toxic ‘relationship’ I began to get heavily addicted to a drug called ketamine. Another boyfriend had access to this and we indulged in it as well. I began changing my name on Facebook and barely talked to my family. I was very, very lost. This continued on the whole year.
When I was 18, I moved out to New Mexico with my boyfriend at the time, and continued to smoke, drink, practice yoga and even got into prostitution online. I sold myself virtually online by videos, pictures, etc. I lived here for maybe about 4 months, until I packed up my bags, got on a train and left. I was talking to my family a bit more, but not much. I came back to my dads’ house, left my bags, stayed home for maybe a day then left to the desert with friends for another rave. The same routine continued, and I ended up meeting someone from this rave, and he wanted me to come to Santa Barbara with him, so, I did. My grandmother was dying in the hospital, and I didn’t contact any family; only to say: ‘’I’ll be in Santa Barbara for a few days.’’ And it was so.
I stayed in a hotel with this person I did not know, camped out in parks, and was HEAVILY using the drug ketamine again. This time, it was for 3 days straight, almost nonstop. I was barely eating, or drinking water at this time. Then, we stayed at his friend’s house and I began mixing drugs. Ketamine, Cocaine, and Dabs. I began to fall out of consciousness and was very disoriented. I passed out for a while, then when I awoke again, something was VERY wrong. My vision became very narrow, and the colors were very dull around me.
I started crying and instinctively screaming at the top of my lungs, telling them to let me out of the room, and they refused. They were holding the door closed and my body switched instantly into fight or flight, I began trying to fight them in order to get out, and get help because I was close to death. I tried breaking out of their window, breaking their blinds…Finally, I got out and ran screaming for help. The only closest thing to help was a dentist office. I ran inside screaming that I was drugged, raped, and in need of help. I told them to look up my dad and to PLEASE call him. The last thing I remembered was falling to the ground and having 3-4 painful seizures. My parents told me after that I had to be strapped down because of how intense my seizing out was from overdosing.
I was in complete darkness, yet still fully conscious. I was not aware of what was going on in reality because all I was aware of was darkness and pain + out of control shaking. I did not even know that I went in an ambulance to get to the emergency room. The last part of my overdose, all I remembered was a consuming brightness of light and it felt like I was going through a tunnel really fast.
After the overdose, I went through recovery and had to get treatment there at the hospital because I was in bad shape. My dad drove all the way from San Diego to basically rescue me.
After being able to come home, my dad sat me down and said, ‘’Ashley. Something HAS to change or you are going to die. This path you have chosen ONLY leads to death. I could have lost you.’’ So, I cut my dreadlocks off and went sober for a while, but by my own strength & self-effort which was soon to fail.
After months of being sober, I for the last time fell into the same pattern. Festival boyfriend, drugs, drinking, and smoking. I moved to Oregon for a month.
My dad had bought me a plane ticket and a pass to go to Guatemala for the WHOLE month of October alone for a Yoga Certification course to become a teacher. I had told him about this a year before, and this was the plan. So, after a month of living in Oregon, I came back home to prepare for Guatemala.
Little did I know, the Lord was beginning to draw me. As I look back, I see His providential hand ALWAYS at work. The fact that he kept me ALIVE all of those years astonishes me.
A few days before my trip – I came across a youtube video. I cannot remember what it was called, but all I remembered is that it said ‘’All of this yoga, chakras, Hinduism, and meditation is HIDING Jesus from you. It is blinding you to the truth.’’ I began to weep and pace back and forth saying to myself, ‘’No way. There is NO way my life has been a lie from day one.’’ After pushing this video away, I began to really question everything.
Fast forward – I go to Guatemala the whole month to study Yoga deeper. I was with yogis, witches, spiritists, and surrounded by lost people who thought they knew the truth, myself being one of them. I was realizing how empty I felt, and how much I was internally hurting. There were many days I just wanted to go home. Anywho, I ended up getting certified, passed all my yoga classes and assignments, and a month flew by. Then, I got to go home.
After being home again, my search continued. The devil REALLY began trying to keep me blinded and deceived.
I started to become very attracted to Jesus’ name and His name, Yeshua. I kept saying, ‘’Who IS this Yeshua?’’ After days of studying Gnosticism, I was on my knees by my bed and was weeping. All of these false religions had NO foundation. They were SO confusing and all I could think was, ‘’I have been searching to find something spiritual for 4 years now, I am SO SICK of seeking.’’ and I began crying out to the God I did not know at the time, but He knew me. I was crying on my knees just yelling, ‘’PLEASE GOD, I don’t know if you are real, but WHO are you…Please, I need you. I am SO broken.’’
Perhaps a day or so later, in God’s Sovereignty I come across another YouTube video like before. This time it was ALL about how God is Sovereign, how He is in control of ALL things, and how Jesus alone is the truth, the way, and the life.
Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiBgiOSsC-k
I was CRYING SO MUCH. I am talking about INTENSE tears, but this time tears of JOY. Tears of astonishment. My blinders were lifted this day by the Holy Spirit. He opened my eyes to the truth of Jesus, and I felt a huge weight lift off of me. I kept my eyes above towards heaven and kept saying, ‘’Thank you.’’ With tears in my eyes just thanking God.
The attacks began to come full throttle from the enemy trying to keep me again, blinded. That day I called my great brother in Christ in tears asking him to please help me, because I need to know what is next and what is real. He said he would meet with me on December 9th. So, I grabbed my dads old Bible from the garage and just held onto it.
On December 8th, I got in contact with a friend who was deep into New Age and I hung out with him to tell him about this video and how I really feel this is the truth. Nothing has ever felt MORE REAL to me than the truth of Christ, I would tell him. He would not listen. So, I stopped talking about it. That day, he said he wanted me to do this psychedelic drug with him, and fear rose in me. But I said yes because of pride. I remember the fear I felt going back to his house to do this drug. I truly believe the Lord was trying to direct me out of this situation.
The fear and the resistance I felt was something I had never felt before. The feeling finally that this was WRONG. But I still did it. I remember thinking of my dad, and family and was grieved. All I thought to myself was, ‘’This could be it. This may be the final straw, and I might actually die this time.’’ People would do this drug called ‘’DMT’’ to try and ‘’reach God’’ or ‘’source.’’ I remember my friend asked me, ‘’How much do you want?’’ I shrugged. He said, ‘’I’ll send give you enough to send you to source.’’ I remember thinking, ‘’I might actually die…’’ My heart was beating SO fast.
But, by God’s grace, He kept me safe under His protection, and this drug had no effect on me. It made me shut my eyes, but I snapped out of it instantly. My friend talked about seeing faces, hearing voices, and getting spiritual insight. I was TRULY grateful that I was OKAY and did not go through past experiences such as seizures, fainting, etc.
After this, I told my friend I had to go because I was going to be meeting with my friend who is a Christian tomorrow. He was shocked.
December 9th, it was the day of my salvation. My surrender. Before meeting with my Brother in Christ I remember thoughts of the enemy instilling in my mind to cancel the meeting, but God was stronger and of course, I still met with him.
We talked, prayed and cried. The day lasted about 9 hours. My friend walked me through the gospel and I surrendered to Christ that night. He gave me his Bible and instructed me to read through the gospels immediately and pray constantly. After praying and surrendering to the Lord that night, I got a trash bag and ripped all the tapestries off my wall, all my new age pictures, dream catchers, crystals, tarot cards, BOOKS, IDOLS, and more – I threw it all away. Trashed it. I did not care what my family was going to say. My grandma that night said to me, ‘’You can’t just change like that.’’ I looked up toward the sky and said, ‘’This is the truth. Yes I can.’’ Because it was all THE LORD. HE OPENED MY EYES.
He gifted me the gift of faith, repentance and supernaturally caused me to be born again. This was the beginning of my upward journey because of Jesus Christ. All desires for any drug left me. I have not craved any drug since December 9th 2017, the date I was saved. In 2018 the Lord freed me from sexual immorality, and addiction to pornography after about 7 years. He freed me from drug addiction and healed MANY wounds in my heart that year.
I had MANY restless, and sleepless nights because of spiritual attacks, & flashbacks in dreams, but I continued to daily fight in prayer on my knees, and continued to renew my mind through the reading of His Word, meditating on His Word, continual worship, praise, and abiding in joy, sorrows, or anguish.. He continues to show Himself faithful to me, and cause my heart to OVERFLOW with love, and adoration of Him. Daily. It is a DAILY fight to stay in His presence and abide in Him, but it is the ONLY fight that is worth it.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, (1 Peter 1:3)
For those who have never heard the gospel, this is it:
We have ALL broken God’s commandments and are deserving of eternal hell. God is a JUST and HOLY God who MUST punish guilty sinners for their iniquity. But God, being RICH IN MERCY, compassion, and love was made manifest in the person of Jesus Christ, 2000 years ago. He was born of a virgin, conceived by the Holy Spirit and He lived a perfect, sinless, and righteous life that we COULD NEVER live. We have all sinned. He did not sin once. As fully man, and fully God, Jesus Christ emptied Himself and took on the role of a servant to obey God perfectly and fulfill His will here on earth. Jesus was tempted in ALL areas, yet remained sinless. Our sinless and perfect Lord CHOSE to die on that cross,
No one takes it from Me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This charge I have received from my Father.” (John 10:18)
Jesus CHOSE to be crucified. He was nailed to that tree and BORE ALL OF OUR SINS, and He drank the cup of God’s wrath. He DRANK your hell. And on the third day, Jesus Christ rose from the grave by the power of the Spirit, defeating death & hell forever. Death could not hold Him, and now He is ALIVE. He died for you, so that you may live eternally with HIM. To be reconciled to HIM. Now, what must you do in order to be saved? You must REPENT, (turn from your sins; 180 degree turn from sin and run to Christ) confess your sins, humble yourself and TRUST ALONE in Christ. No good works wills save you.
because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. (Romans 10:9)
Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. (John 14:6)
Romans 5:8: God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 6:23: The wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:1: There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Romans 8:32: He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?
2 Corinthians 5:21: For our sake, he made Him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.
2 Corinthians 8:9: You know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sake, He became poor so that you by His poverty might become rich.
1 Timothy 1:15: The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.
1 John 4:10: In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
Revelation 5:9: “Worthy are you to take the scroll and to open its seals, for you were slain, and by your blood, you ransomed people for God from every tribe and language and people and nation.”
I have now graduated high school after dropping out at a young age, I start college in the fall, I am now in the process of writing a book and working two jobs unto the glory of God! His saving grace is MIGHTY.
GOD BLESS YOU ALL!
I’m alive, because He lives!
Ashley C. Huizar on facebook
@revivinghisdesign on tumblr & instagram!