This Beautiful Journey

The Lord has asked me to write this testimony to share with other believers, in order to magnify His glory.

The road has been so long with so many hard-to-describe components… I am not quite sure about exactly where to start… or how to fit all of this into a short enough post – but I will do my best to humbly do this testimony justice… I have been asked to write this from a place of forgiveness, love and respect so I will do exactly that… and begin right around the time when I first got sick…

Here is how I met Jesus Christ the Son of God:

In my late 20’s, I came down with a mysterious illness that caused my teeth to become quite loose in my gums (especially my lower teeth) and my hair to fall out completely from the very top of my head. Within a few months I had lost half of my hair volume and within a few days the entire top of my head was bald. I could very gently grab it and whole clumps would come out. My heart would beat abnormally – either too fast or too slow and at an irregular rhythm – and my feet and hands would sometimes turn purple. I became so weak and tired that I could not leave the couch for over a year. I went to the doctor and visited the E.R. during these episodes a few times to try and find out why I was so unwell, but no one could find anything wrong with me.

I felt very alone and became bitter, and I acted very rudely towards friends and strangers because of this. I had some long standing patterns in my life that were making it hard to take care of myself. My apartment was an absolute mess. I didn’t take care of myself very well, either. I would leave the house for only short periods of time just to get my food, some weed to smoke, or to visit my family on occasion. Some days I ran out of food and went hungry, and my apartment was very cold during the winter. I listened to music compulsively and chain smoked weed to calm my nerves. I cried a lot. I didn’t know God existed, but I prayed during those times and called out, just in case He was there.

At some point, my rudeness caused issues where I could see my unaddressed stuff come up and I knew I needed to find out why I was projecting my problems so angrily onto other people. I became very paranoid around this time. It felt at the time to be changing for a large swath of people and not just myself. A gift from God was beginning to root but I didn’t understand any of it at the time. This change of heart happened organically, and I opened myself up to new modalities of understanding my psyche authentically, where I started to investigate my idiosyncrasies from a more nuanced perspective, looking down on it, instead of within it. And with the fear of this unaddressed illness always on my mind – it was like my planning for the future had stopped and there was just this meticulous process of thorough and unbiased self-introspection.

After three months of this work, I began to expand into learning about other people throughout history and their suffering. I felt a common thread with humanity through the implicit understanding that there are some very harsh things in the world. We don’t always see the extent of the similarities in humanity’s struggle to find peace and prosperity. Suffering can make you feel all alone… but it is something that we all have in common to some degree and various stages in our lives. You can understand and love everyone based on the recognition of your own struggles in another person’s life. I once heard a quote that says you can find your way home in the light of another’s eyes.

During this growth spurt at the end of November in 2016 I was confronted with my fear of mortality, and while listening to a song called “Greenland” by “Emancipator”, I sat with the fear and observed the details in the image that was chosen for the song on my laptop screen. The green moss… heavenly blue sky… the soft wispy mist… and all the little details… and just felt full appreciation for the beauty that was in front of me. Despite what was happening in my little corner of the world, there was this place that existed, and it was beautiful…

This gratitude combined with the previous clearing away of my old layers of negative actions had allowed me to reach forward with love, and a still presence… and I was greeted back with what looked to be a living and sparkling mental and emotional clarity. There was a strong recognition there. Like I had known that He was there the whole time, I had just forgotten. And there was Truth and He was pure Love, we met in the middle between my gratitude and acceptance and His willingness to be witnessed.

And He spoke in the core of my heart, and it was an intuition written in His brilliant, living Love and He said, “I am God. I exist.” And I just sat there with Him through the song, unable to look away… And then when it was over, I listened to another song called “Reaching Out” and I could see how orderly His creation was. It was as if all consciousness and action from the time life was created until now converged in order to give me this experience of Him. It was meant to be. His Will – the whole time thinking I had been making my own choices – it was entirely God’s Will to move me into this space in order for this experience to happen in this way, everything that followed before had to have happened. There was His purpose and His hand in my life.

With the paradigm bubble expanded – it was like seeing that there was my life, but it was like a vein in a leaf – and I could tangibly feel the rest of creation with me. And I was no longer just “me” – all alone, but there was the rest of us, all of us – on this wave of pure Love. From the smallest things, those first things, and ever growing up into more complex awareness. He wanted to bring awareness of Himself to humanity and told me that there was a mimetic quality to it. That music, art, poetry and such things that speak to the human soul can open this up. He wanted to remove the lie that death instills in humanity because it creates a survival mentality and a fear that doesn’t need to be there. Fear, selfishness and consumption feed into a lie.

After this, I chose a third song called “Emancipator’s” “Dusk ‘til Dawn”, and within the unified chorus of this music, I felt myself step outside of time and I could sense it flowing from behind me. It felt like I had always been there. In the very center right in front of me I felt like an expansion of Love – God, and I could feel all of creation – everything that was or will ever be – angels and all – in perfect unison singing and glorifying God. I was welcomed with Love and congratulated. Everyone was being nurtured with love, and glorifying God. I realized that I just wanted to spend my life observing the Lord in His creation and to feel connected to His Love.

After the song ended – I sat in awe for a little while as the experience normalized and I returned to my baseline state. Most of my fear and repetitive thought patterns had stopped. When I read the comments under the final song, I could feel the connection that people share. The thread is Love. I felt included, like I wanted my fingerprint of Love to be added to the collective.

I went into my kitchen and grabbed three oranges and peeled them mindfully and smelled the fruit, admired the colouring and looked at the small little portions that held the juice and I ate them slowly, savoring the flavour. It was more pronounced. “This is an orange.” Nothing muted. Then I went outside to go to the store and on my way there, the streetlights looked so bright and surreal. I felt… internally peaceful and calmed.

I had a few more experiences after this one, each about a month apart. In one, I felt the presence of my family, like being clustered together with them. It very much had the feeling of being a grape on a vine with other grapes. I spent a few more years searching for Him after this encounter. A lot has happened in between. I found Him again when I needed Him the most – and things have been improving.

After moving in with my family in the middle of 2021, my mental health has been healing, but last summer I got a nasal infection and became depressed… and so I let it go for too long. I took some antibiotics, but it didn’t fix the infection and I became apathetic. My past was a weight and life felt insurmountable. Again, like before due to being sick… my environment and diverging roads began to converge and I was convicted of sin. I grabbed my Bible that I had gotten during a hospital stay and He began to work with me. I learned that when I met God the first-time years prior, that this was the Lord Jesus.

Like Paul, I am just someone with a God given message who has a lot of weaknesses and traumas, and God was able to use me through them. He asks me to share my message and I am doing so without a face so that the Good News can be shared and God is given the full credit.

After this conviction, I found spiritual conflict within my space due to how I was managing my health, my emotions, my habits and my spiritual journey. I had to get rid of most of my belongings, quit alcohol and weed cold turkey along with a YouTube addiction, New Age practices and to let go of a movement disorder that I had since I was a child that was wearing my body down. I started to get on a sleep schedule, take care of my bathing more regularly, I started a morning and evening prayer routine, I let go of rage, began to treat my older brother kindly, and to be more patient with my pets. I am working on being more honorable towards my family, I started going to church every Sunday and doing a small women’s group study along with volunteering.

I am looking for work and plan to start Christian counseling. I have made a few friends! I found two jobs, but due to having autism, there was a bit too much stimulus, and so I am looking again for something more low key. I have been taking more initiative in keeping my spaces clean, I study the Bible almost daily, I have done a lot of art projects for the Lord in order to share my good fortune with others.

This change has been a nine-month process so far and I am trying to let go of my need for control to let Him lead.

One thing I have noticed is that as you grow with Jesus, the entire body of Christ becomes like a shield against negative influences and a literal soul shepherding into positive soul health. I see His work everywhere, in everyone, either teaching me something, healing me, supporting me and in turn it becomes easier to do the same for others. Although I have had a lot of spiritual revelations, it isn’t due to my own giftedness but more so my process of stumbling through life and very much needing His guiding hand to show me how to live my life in peace with everyone else. It is only by the grace of God that I was able to get this far. I have gone from having very catatonic days to having a bit more structure. He is calling me to “grow in the grace” and try not to plan ahead so much.

Some things that I have learned or am still growing into while on this beautiful journey:

The Lord is to be the center of everything that we do, from sharing His message to living for Him in our daily lives. In all things, decisions should line up with His Word. He wants to express Himself through us and for us to be happy and grateful; to glorify His name. God is good all of the time. Even if you can’t see it, He is painting on a very large canvas.

I am learning to speak life into myself, others and the world. Compassion is essential. Forgiveness is key. Any anger, regret, bitterness – to give it to the Lord and ask Him to heal it. Any form of negative speech or thought – to hand it to Him to transmute into something kind. Do unto others – the more I grow in this, the more I see His unitive nature.
He is like the ultimate collage artist! He wastes nothing. A misspelling written on a paper could lead towards an understanding of His nature months or years down the road. His grace is in the big things, but also in those little details as well. Not a single person or action done for the Lord goes unwasted.

Love. A grateful heart. Humility. You know the sort of Love that when you see the Earth spinning from space at night and you see all the city lights rolling across the horizon? It looks like just a bunch of lights, but within them are buildings, parks, homes, businesses, electrical systems, the city grid, people and the entire story that makes up who they are – those feedback loops of detail that are so similar to the synapses in our brains? It’s a sort of Love that steps back from oneself and encompasses the greater picture. I can’t claim to be perfect with this, but there are moments when I can step away from myself and recognize that we are all God’s beautiful little dancers.

And finally, I add this at the end in order to emphasize the most important point – God desires for all people to be saved. If you have not read the Bible, this book contains Words that are living. As you dance with Him, you will see His work move from the Holy pages into your life. If you have not given yourself over to the Lord, PLEASE DO SO. He will save your soul. Your soul is precious.

You are Loved. God bless you all and peace be with you. For God’s glory, and with a grateful, humble heart.
Amen.