Tears in a Bottle

33 years ago, I had a nervous breakdown I was put in hospital and diagnosed with schizophrenia, and I also had post-traumatic stress disorder for fear that surfaced in my later years.

My son affectionately calls me Special usually when I stuff up and I feel more devastated than I should as my mental health has me at high highs n low lows sometimes.

He picks up on it tries to lift my morale and says,

“But you Special Mum.”

He has me in fits of laughter really lifts the dark cloud off me. He has such an awesome attitude; he’s loving and funny.

I like to think I’m special.

He’s been trying for years to get my meds. He’s like Mum, let me try them. Nooo they not for you he’s like you got them legal drugs, gimme the hook up, mum. I’d say nooo; they’re my legal stash, get out of here…they ain’t for you …you ain’t special.

I was sexually abused as a child. God led me to forgive this person. 2 wonderful ladies from church led me in forgiveness prayers.

God says if you forgive others their trespasses, he will forgive me mine (Matthew 6v14).

They told me I would remember what happened, but the pain would be gone and that’s exactly wat happened. Jesus took my pain away…that’s why I love him so much. I love you Jesus.

The years of emotional pain shame guilt the sadness all of it gone. My healing felt like the pressure of all that pain was relieved. Jesus lovingly takes me through my memories without the pain now so good.

I get emotional sometimes; it’s not pain or self-pity, but loving, having sympathy, and having self-compassion. Thank you, my King Jesus. I love you.

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
Psalm 56v8 NLT

He comforts all who mourn in Zion
He Gives them
…Beauty for ashes
The oil of joy instead of sadness.
Isaiah 61v3

Every Hair on my head is all numbered
when I brush my hair, and a few come out
God still knows that number
that’s how detailed His love is for me (Matthew 10v30).

I put the person who abused me in jail. He paid for what he did to me. He went to jail for one and a half out of three years. I think it was because of his good behavior.

But only God healed me.

My father was the abuser.

I was terrified of my father some of my childhood years, and hated and resented him my teenage and adult years. What a waste of my life spent on those emotions!

You are not meant to feel that way about your father or anyone; it’s not healthy. It’s emotional poison, or to have your father touch you in a way reserved for your husband that messes with your head, and that’s a nice way of putting it.

I don’t know; maybe he was abused himself. I don’t know. I do know he was an alcoholic, and that had a lot to do with it. He had his own pain, which he used alcohol to cope with.

That’s God giving me compassion for him, which I never had before. I hated his guts. And I’m at an age now where I don’t want to hate anybody. Jesus, my king in my life, is healing me and revealing this to me, lovingly showing me memories without the pain. Praise God.

Jesus did that for me. I love you, My King. I encourage anyone who is or was in the same situation as me to try Jesus. You won’t be disappointed. The Bible says to “taste and see that the Lord is good,” and He really is.