Man…where do I begin.
My life was a total shipwreck for the last 30 years of my life, I’ll be 32 at the end of this year, God willing.
I think I had my first demon encounter when I was 3. For whatever reason, I remember distinctly seeing a man in the park with short jogging shorts on (the year was 1987). I remember a man sitting down in the grass and he didn’t have any underwear on. I recall trying to figure out what his private parts were (Not sure why a grown man was in a public park without any underwear on… may have been a predator back then).
Fast forward, I’m 7 years old. I remember my 2 older brothers and I use to play a game we made up called “Mum mum and coochie” can’t tell you why in the world it was called that. But the game went like this, I use to slobber on my brothers’ ears, and they use to giggle and laugh.
Around the same time, my family took a family trip to Baltimore to see my relatives. One of my male cousins in particular was a year younger than me and we were pretty close. I remember one day we hide in the closet and showed each other our private parts… fast forward.
Now I’m 8. My parents never really spent much time with my siblings. My mom wasn’t saved then, and my dad couldn’t stand kids growing up (why he decided to have 4, who knows I was the youngest. My Dad use to tell us all the time to stay downstairs, he never wanted us around him growing up. There was no love on our household. My parents grew up on a farm. My Grandfather in particular (on my dad’s side) never showed any of his kids’ affection. So, it passed on to my dad.
One day I was playing with a neighborhood boy my age and next thing I know; we were at the bottom of the stairwell showing each other our private parts. We tried to have sex on the apartment step inside the complex and got busted by his dad, we were caught with our pants down, humping each other (though we had no clue what we were doing.) Needless to say, that friendship ended abruptly once his dad told my parents what happened. I’m pretty sure I got a whooping; I just can’t remember.
I was very sexual at such a young age. I can’t tell you if I was molested or not… I really dont remember, I do know I blocked a lot of things out if my mind. In the second grade I had a crush on a girl and that feeling never seemed to fade away. On came Middle School.
I know I stumbled into my dad’s porn collection I believe around the age of 11/12. I used to sneak and watch the tapes. I couldn’t comprehend all that I saw but I know that opened the gateway for Satan to possess my life. I was continuously reprimanded in Middle School, for either stealing, lying or being a class clown. My parents always whooped me but that was it, never showed me any love, encouragement, help with my homework.
Don’t get me wrong, they provided a roof over my head and food on the table. But that was it. I was severely attention deprived and got in trouble because that’s the only way I knew how to get attention from them.
My parents got their first Macintosh computer and that was the beginning if the end. My brothers had a game called Ultima Online and we use to play faithfully. It was an online role-playing game, where you could talk to other characters in the game. There were real people behind these characters on the game.
It wasn’t long before I begin to get onto AOL and Yahoo chat rooms. During this time, I created a totally new personality…his name was Kevin. I used to pretend to be a little boy named Kevin in the chat rooms. That lead to me actually calling these girls off the chat room. I had a raspy voice already, so I managed to make my voice sound as deep as I could to deceive the little girls I was talking to. We were all around the same age (or so I thought.) I ran my parents phone bill in the thousands calling these girls long distance, back then you didn’t have free long distance or cell phones.
Being this other person consumed me. I had a demon pulling my strings. It was like a drug. My parents had to block long distance calling, so I started to steal to get money for calling cards. I became a habitual thief. You couldn’t leave nothing around me…I stole from my mother’s purse, my dad’s wallet, change, I would spend the night at friends’ houses and steal from them.
I remember a time; I broke into a neighborhood friend’s house one time while they were away and ransacked their house until I found an envelope full of money. I also found their family’s porn collection and sat and watched the porn (most of them male on male) and would masturbate while watching it. I then took some crayons and lite them on fire in the middle of the living room carpet for no reason… I was just a sick, demented kid.
Along came High School and my body started developing. I no self-identify and an extremely low self-esteem. I used to wear super tight clothes to school…but my mother never said anything about it. I remember in 10th grade I was in summer school and met a cute boy there.
By this time, I use to steal my parent’s car at night and go sneak into his house and we would make out. I was pretty clever at sneaking out of the house, I use to climb down from the bathroom roof and jump down to the backyard deck. I had no license, no permit, just knew I needed to get to his house.
One night he wanted to go all the way, but I was scarred so I made up a lie and said I was on that time of the month. I ended up having a bf that yeae (15 yrs old) who was the captain of the Football team. Little did I know, he was into a world of complete sin. I actually brought him over to the house and he met my parent’s.
They seemed to be ok with me having a bf so that was that. I used to sneak out every other night to go over to his house. He lived with his older brother, so it wasn’t a issue for me to come over all times of the night. He was the guy I lost my virginity to, in the back of his brother’s car.
One night he had a party and I remember getting completely wasted, drinking a 5th of Hennessy to the head. I had passed out, but I remember someone carrying me up some steps and placing me in a room. I was sorta conscious, but I remember I was surrounded by 3 dudes, who were trying to have sex with me, but they couldn’t because they were too drunk. I remember throwing up on the back seat of his brother’s car, for whatever reason, he had enough sense to get me home safely to my house.
Another time I was riding with him and his friends, of course we were all drinking and one thing led to another and I let his friend have sex with me in the backseat. While he and his other friend were in the front seat. I’ll never forget, the boy on top of me asked his friend in the passenger seat “Man you want some of this?” He looked in the backseat and his eyes pierced mine and he said… “Nah man, I’m good.”
I decided in 11th grade that I was going to be a Stud, butch. I cut my hair real short and begin dressing extremely baggy. I wore all of my dad’s clothes, cologne, boxers you name it. Around this time, I began cutting myself with my dad’s razor. I used to slice a small cut on my cheek and tell my parents our cat had scratched me. This continued for some time. I tried to commit suicide once by drinking some Joy dish detergent, but God had a plan and purpose for my life…I just didn’t know it then. I got a really bad stomachache and just went to sleep.
Fast forward I started sleeping and messing around with women. I started hanging with the Gothics, wearing Korn t-shirts, dressing in mostly black. My life was dark, and it showed on the outside. I hated who I was.
I graduated high school, barely and joined the Army. I was still a lesbian at this time, but my sexual urge for men was still there, no matter how hard I tried to repress it. I became a predator. After I got home from my first deployment, I use to go and seek out men I could sleep with. I knew where to find the ones with no values or morals.
I used to go to a sex shop on the strip and sleep with the guy I had befriended who worked there. I never felt any kind of connection sleeping with these men. I just did it because I felt like I was in complete control. I lived two completely different lives; one was as a lesbian and at night I slept around with men.
I was trying to fill a void with sex, but it was never enough. Fast forward I started meeting men off Phone chat lines (Lava Links) and having sex with them. I always wore protection whenever I would sleep with any of these guys. All this transpired while I was living in NC, after I had been kicked out of the Army. I eventually moved back home, and the sex still continued with random guys I would meet.
Around the age of 28, I ended up meeting a man at a job I use to work at, and I officially stopped talking to women after meeting him. Our relationship was turbulent. He was very controlling, jealous, verbally and physically abusive. He was 10 years older than me with 3 kids by his ex-wife. We had broken up for a couple months and that’s when I got back online to a dating website and met men and slept with them.
2 of the guys I had unprotected sex with after leaving from a bar. I ended up catching gonorrhea from one of the guys and had gone and got a penicillin shot.
Fast forward.my first herpes outbreak happened. I woke up to a cold sore and I freaked out. I tried to cover it up the best I could with makeup but that really didn’t help. I bought all kinds of ointments but that didn’t help either. I finally went to the doctor, and he told me it was Herpes 1 and told me not to worry, everyone has it. It took months for the cold sore to fade away.
My second outbreak happened when me and my ex-bf lived together. It happened on my right butt cheek, and I was freaking out because I knew it was another outbreak. I went to the doctor, and she told me it was folliculitis. Which is a razor skin rash. I still had my doubts, I was convinced that was it. She gave me some antibodies and it finally faded away after a month. At that time my ex and I weren’t having sex, so he didn’t see the rash on my behind.
I was always faithful to my ex while I was with him, but I was a whore when I was with no one. Lust controlled my life.
We ended up separating after being with each other for 3 1/2 years. He was the first real relationship I had with a guy. After that thoughts of herpes use to consume my every thought. I told myself I will have to find a man who also has herpes to be with because I couldn’t be with anyone else. I even downloaded a dating app for people with herpes. I knew this was how it was going to be for the rest of my life.
I went to the doctor one day, to see if I could get treatment for the scar that was left behind on my rear end from the 2nd outbreak. I told the doctor the other doctor said it was Folliculitis, but she said no, this is herpes. (Which I knew already) She suggested running a test for Herpes 1 and 2 and I agreed, I already knew in my mind it would come back positive. I believe a couple days went by and I didn’t hear back from the doctor, so I begin to panic. I mustered up enough courage to call the Doctor’s office to get the results of my test. I was prepared to hear I had herpes. When she got on the phone, she said…
“The results are Negative.”
Negative?!! My mind begins to race in disbelief there’s no way in hell those tests were negative. When said these words I said. What was that. she repeated herself and said the results were negative. I sat frozen on the phone. I told her thank you and hung up the phone.
My mind was racing, how could this be, how in the world could this be… I still wasn’t convinced so I made an appointment to pick up the physical paperwork that had my results on them. I went all the way to the Doctors office and waited to pick up my papers. when I got them finally, it read. Negative Herpes Simplex 1 and Simplex 2… I couldn’t believe it.
I know I’ve written a lot, but I want to say this. Jesus can make anything, and I do mean anything happen. I prayed to God that day and confessed myself to Jesus.