I was angry with God. I wanted to know why I had gone from an outgoing, smart, academic girl to nothing… My soul was broken,my marks dropped and my parents seemed to love my brother more than me. I wished for death but short lived moments of happiness killed me more…
I gave my life to him, I thought. Burned a paper with all my sins in a fire but yet still continued to hoard them. Life was good and bad and then tumbled into worse.”Christians tend to suffer more than non Christians – just look at Jesus” but I didn’t want to suffer. I still continued to suffer and it was in those moments I left God to swim in my sorrows that I drowned. I left God thinking he’d let things go back to normal but the more I stayed away the more he made me need him.
I prayed, danced and worshiped but inside I could not trust his plan and when my finishing school marks came I came crushing down like a house without a foundation. Whilst my friends displayed their marks with pride I hid my tears and shouted at God. He had not answered my prayers like he said he would nor did he come to my aid when I looked for him.
I thought he didn’t want universities to accept me, I thought he put unpleasant people in my life to hate me, I thought he wanted to prove to my parents that I was a failure but that wasn’t the case.
I’m in the process of having my college application approved even though I do t have the marks to do the course. I’m in the process of building a business empire that is sure to provide financial relief to my family-which I wouldn’t have thought of if I’d gone to college. I’m about to be confirmed. I’ve seen my self confidence rise over the past few months. I haven’t been spending time in devotion but everyday I say I prayer to God. Letting him know I need him and trust him and that I’m thankful for the cross and my burdens are no longer mine to carry.
Job is the only book I can relate to really and I hope I can be as faithful as him when it comes to being tested by God!!!!! I hope one day God is able to say that my baby girl can handle anything you throw at her!!!
Thank you for reading