It’s Never Too Late

It’s never too late

My parents divorced at age 13 I’m in 7th grade. And I felt it actually was maybe my fault and had guilt about this.

I turned to partying and playing and disobedience to my parents, from age 13-15. I moved constantly back and forth with each parent, drinking and partying every weekend, no desire for school. I just wanted to surf and play and go to the next party.

At age 15 I was with my dad he and I lived in an apartment, but it really was just me since he stayed 24/7 at his girlfriend’s house, I was on my own, so it didn’t matter what I did. So, I dropped out of school got my G.E.D and worked and played.

I had gotten involved in a group called campus life a Christian youth ministry around the age of 15 and I did try to get myself in a better position, I went to church and even at one point thought I accepted Jesus into my life I even said the prayer, however I never truly felt a change or felt like it was real. I was just going through the motions so I would be excepted and so I had friends because the church and youth group made me feel wanted and loved. But all the while I still went to every Friday and Saturday night party I could, I was deeply depressed, but I never let anyone see that in me. I even attempted suicide by taking a handful of pills one night, I don’t remember what kind, but I took about 30 pills, went to sleep and woke up the next day more depressed than ever.

Around age 17 I fell to the peer pressure of doing drugs, I did this pretty hard for about 8 months, it numbed me and made me not feel, I wrote bad checks to pay for this and got a misdemeanor because of it. I wasn’t associating with any of my Christian friends I surely wasn’t behaving or acting like a Christian. I never did in fact and I don’t think I truly ever believed God was real.

At thanksgiving of my 18th year I hit another real low point in life, as I was sitting by myself in my apartment high from drinking and doing drugs all night when my dad knocked on my door around 8 am (I had not been to bed yet) and he asked if he can get me help and would I come spend Thanksgiving with him and his girlfriend.

I declined, but that was my wakeup call. I realized I needed to change. So, I went back to my Christian friends and tried to live a good Christian life, I thought I was a Christian but again I never really felt anything. I just called myself one. I even lived with 8 other guys that were all good loving children of Jesus. I felt better at least. Around age 19 I decided I wanted to go to college and become a fireman.

So I was now in college in Redding, California. Guess what? I’m back to the parties and the playing and girls and no more thoughts of church or Jesus… I figured I would ask for forgiveness later after I’m done doing my own thing. I did manage to get a degree and I got married, although it wasn’t a Christian relationship.

We had 2 kids a girl and a boy, I got a full time job at age 22 I was a fireman full-time and had my career, a family and was doing life like a lot of people do, working, raising kids, buying a home etc. The marriage never really was good though, we did try to go to church and be good people, but it was always a chore and it never was something I wanted to do. It was merely to try and look better and feel better about my own life.

The marriage was not good, but I had kids so I stuck it out for a while until I finally couldn’t do it anymore. Divorce number 1, this put me into a huge depression, I lost my home and was responsible for child support and alimony and still needed to support myself. I ended up living with another firefighter we were both single and now I had a chance to live for what I had missed out on the last 9 years I was married, party and playing again.

However, I knew this was not the life anyone should live, I even was scared if I died where would I go? Would I go to heaven? I tried to say I was a Christian so yeah, I would go and I would have to answer to my life. I wasn’t worried enough to change though, the occasional prayer and I was forgiven for everything.

Or so I thought.

I did this reckless lifestyle for a while until I needed to change it and move onto something that made me feel good again, the depression and the loneliness was all returning to a degree that I couldn’t take anymore… Then I was offered a new job in Washington state so I decided I needed this change. I made arrangements with my ex-wife so the kids would spend summers with me and every other holidays. So off I went to my next destination.

Now I’m in Washington and well I do my usual for a while and the depression is horrible at times… I get set up on a blind date and meet the woman that would become my second wife, once again not a Christian relationship. But I was happy and life was good. I wasn’t depressed so much anymore I had a family and I even adopted her 2 girls and raised them as my own. My kids would come visit until my oldest turned 13 she then refused to see me, I still to this day I don’t know why but she did not want me in her life anymore. My other 3 and I were and are still very close.

Life was good for a while, we even went to church again (although I hated this and couldn’t wait to get out of the church when serviced ended, I hated singing the most.) I still lived in the world and everything was for myself I had the big house, the fancy ski boat, all the toys I would even spend 2 weeks a year hunting elk and deer in Montana with my hunting buddy. But life was just moving along nothing special was happening, my wife and I were friends but not too much else, the kids were all growing up and leaving, my youngest daughter was a handful and when she graduated high school she was more then we could handle so she moved out or was kicked out of the house actually. This was the start to the end of the marriage also. And also, the beginning to the darkest days of my life. Although I wouldn’t realize this until later.

Ok so now divorce number 2, I was free again. I managed to have enough money from the sale of the house with the ex to put a deposit down on a small home for myself. So I bought a home and started my life again. I did the usual dated, played and did whatever “I” wanted. My kids were all doing their own things getting married going to college they were all good. I had a girlfriend and I lived in the world though.

I had my retirement coming up in a couple years and I decided to open a business, I however still was working so I needed a partner. I asked who I thought was a friend to do this with me, he agreed we dove in and I spent everything I had to make this business and invested everything into it. Well as it was being built up and doing well, I was ending my career and was ready to retire. So when the time came I did so, and now I was involved in the business daily 100% …but this is when I started to find out, my partner and his fiancé were doing illegal activities and stealing, and so I removed him from the business and of course this started the legal battle and I still had to run the business pay employees and try and save my life savings.

I failed and I fell into the worst depression of my life. I would work at the business then sleep and hide I was so depressed it actually hurt; I had real physical pain… I was not well and I didn’t have any support or anything to lift me out of the depression. I was embarrassed and ashamed. My depression grew and grew, and I contemplated taking my life several times.

Then one day I blew my top to my ex business partner. I said things I shouldn’t have and that sent me downwards to a depth of depression I hadn’t been to yet. I could not do this anymore, then one day I woke at 3 am and packed my bags, grabbed my dogs and left for my brother’s house in California, 13 hours later I was at his house with the dogs and a bag of clothing.

I spent the next 4-6 weeks in a deep depression. I had lost everything and failed miserably. But I still had my retirement fund and I decided that I needed to make a new life, I took everything out of it, what was left anyways and moved to Hamilton and I built a cabin and thought this was it! I’m free I’m broke but im finally free!

I could make it on my pension and a small mortgage that I needed to finish my house. I got a job to help make ends meet and I was doing good, I was seeing a counselor frequently though because I was still depressed and hurting. I couldn’t get myself happy completely again, the depression overwhelmed me, the hopelessness wouldn’t go away.

My kids didn’t need me anymore. They were all happy and successful. So I just kept sinking lower and lower ,but know body ever knew because I hid it well and was ashamed of it so it was a secret to only me and a very few select others. I was seeing a counselor 2 times a week at one point, I wanted out and I was very close to doing something about it, so close I gave my guns away to a friend to keep so I couldn’t access them.

And then came the last straw.

I had an accident and got hurt pretty bad, I fell out of a tree stand hunting, 20 feet to the ground on my side and back 2 miles from my ride. I had a few broken ribs, torn up knee broken femur and numerous other bumps and bruises… I still had to get out of the mountains to get help, I had no choice but to hike out. I spent 6 days total in the hospital. 4 initially and 2 more after I developed a blood clot in my lungs. I didn’t work for 6 weeks, the bills piled up, I was already struggling financially but now I had all the hospital bills that insurance didn’t cover.

So, this is when I started to think I need to find something? I was at my lowest, I was at the end of me. I was either going to take my own life or change my life for good! I reached out to a very old friend one of the roommates that I had in that Christian home when I was 18. We hadn’t spoken since then but I knew where he was.

My old friend paul has been ministering to youth through a ministry called skate church in Portland Oregon he and another roommate and good friend named Clint started the ministry 30 years ago and have been witnessing to skate boarders and young people ever since then. I said to paul, I need help

“I’m at the end of me”

and I need to have Jesus in my life or I won’t make it. This was me finally asking to have Jesus in my life for real. I said to Paul I don’t know if I am a Christian, I said the prayer as a teenager, I was even baptized although I can’t even tell you where or when that happened, and I have never felt god in my life, I always have known about him but I don’t think I ever believed in him or “received” him or truly had faith or ever surrendered to him.

So Paul told me to read this and it was based off the parables of the sower, just put into simple explanation for me to understand. And you can read the full parable at
Matthew 13:1-23.

Here is what he sent for me to determine if I was a Christian.

He said there are 4 kinds of soil:

  1. soil 1 – hard soil-hard heart/never believed = means I was not saved
  2. soil 2 – shallow/rocky soil-fickle heart/emotional/temporary belief which falls away because of difficulties and persecution = not saved ****me****
  3. soil 3 – weed infested soil/thorns- worldly heart-falls away because of worldly pursuits of money, pleasure etc…= not saved **** also me ****
  4. soil 4 – good soil/receptive/sincere heart-bears useful edible lasting fruit= *****truly are saved***** not me!!!

So after reading this I knew I wasn’t saved, so I then

  • confessed my sins and repented in my heart and my mind of all my past and present sins.
  • received and excepted jesus into my heart knowing that he died on the cross for me and and rose from the dead for my sins.
  • confessed jesus as my lord publicly
  • and I surrendered my will to follow him as my lord and I confessed him before people and I will obey his commands according to the bible for the rest of my life no matter what it cost.

Today

My life has changed so drastically, I feel his love in me I have been blessed with so many things since I have started living in the eyes of the God. I am constantly looking to learn, witness, share and love.

I have forgiven all my past enemies and prey for them that they will come to know God also. I thirst for the word and I love going to church and I even love singing, I love to glorify God. I am living the life Jesus intended, I am a witness for him, I am obeying his word and I got baptized according to his word, I have a Christ centered life and I do not live in the world or the flesh anymore. I haven’t been depressed like before since I asked God into my life, I have changed everything I think and desire in life. I am truly trying to honor God and be a son of God so that he is proud of me.

My life is now and will always be to witness for God, to minister, to live a life that honors god and that god is proud of. God has given me eternal life, happiness, love, and everything I need to be happy. This is our test, this life on earth, he is watching us 24/7 to see what we do. We get to go to heaven or hell that’s our choice. I am with god now im going to heaven and I’m going to live there for eternity and it’s going to be more incredible then my human brain can ever foresee.

I am God’s child now, I love him and I he loves me. I’ve been forgiven, I have a past but I don’t dwell on it, he has forgiven my sins. I now look forward and I am a true follower of god, I don’t need the toys and the worldly possessions anymore, I want to give of myself and witness to as many people as I can. I am committing my life to God to bring more people to his family. I desire to give my whole life for the works and desires of our God, 24/7 I will give him everything.

I am a new person I see life on earth as my time to show god what he means to me and I want to give him all of me. I know that I will have times of hardships and test and struggles. I also know that god will answer my prayers and love me always. He will be pleased and happy with me and when I sit before him in heaven I want him to look at my life and I want him to be beaming with pride and joy because I lived my life with love and joy and honor for him. When I became a Christian, I was a new person and the old person was gone. A new life had begun. 2 Corinthians 5:17

I was in my 50’s when I finally asked and received Jesus into my life, much like the thief on the cross next to Jesus at his crucifixion it is never to late to receive him into our life. Luke 23:43 shows you the love of our lord is always available to us up until the end of our time on earth.

One Response

  1. Cole 2/1/2020

Leave a Reply