For the glory of Jesus Christ.
I suffered a betrayal from an individual whom I had trusted like no one else. This individual was part of my church, and they held an important position within the church. The betrayal happened in public, amongst the brethren. While it was happening, I went into fight or flight response and felt cold around in the extremities. I decided to sit through it so as to not cause a stir or hurt anyone’s faith. When it ended, I went home and began losing myself.
I laid in my bed devoid of energy and with all sense of stability gone. A severe and irrational paranoia overtook me, and it convinced me that I could no longer go out into the world. It convinced me that the entire world was evil, that the Earth would swallow me and that the air was poison. The distress and emotion were so strong that I decided I could not live this way. I thought about suicide.
My brother was a gun enthusiast and was living with me. He was not at home during my ordeal, but I knew where he kept his 9mm gun. I committed to the idea of taking the gun, loading it, and shooting myself near the right temple. When I played out the idea in my mind, it shocked me.
Something innocent and good within was stirred and it made me regret my commitment. I now believe that was the Holy Spirit, since, by the grace of God I had received Him as a teenager. Moved by Him, I decided to pray with even more fervor.
I pulled myself out of the bed with what little energy I had and fell to my knees. I was calling on Jesus Christ with my soul and my lips. I lowered my forehead until it touched the ground and spoke to God while my lips repeated
‘Glory to Jesus Christ’.
I told God that I had lost, that I could not fight. I told him that I had no strength and that I had sinned by deciding to commit suicide.
I poured out my soul before him and I felt nude in every sense. Something then changed outside of me but next to me. I live in a mobile home whose floors creek and bend a little when someone walks on them. Well, they made their sound, and I felt a male presence next to me. It was utterly peaceful and confident. It felt like an anchor for my soul. The raging tempest that was flinging my soul about was losing its rage. Slowly but surely, all became calm. I felt like a baby accompanied by this indescribably grand man; I was safe.
I brought myself to my bed and laid down still repeating
‘Glory to Jesus Christ’.
A serene sleep took over me and I was at peace. The next day I felt this same peace and was glorifying Jesus Christ for it. If anyone had seen me the night before and then had seen me that day, they surely would have thought I was insane. If I am insane, I don’t care. I called on Jesus Christ and he responded. He saved me. He saved my soul and my flesh. Glory to Jesus Christ forever. Amen.