My name is Ebenezer Ayidana. My story began quite innocently when at a young age of 13 I inadvertently found porn. Apparently, one of my elder sisters had left her pornography CD in the open. And I was an avid movie watcher at the age. That was how I got hooked on porn and masturbation.
Even though I was born into a Christian family, I wasn’t resistant to porn in the first two years after I got exposed to it. In fact, it didn’t occur to me that I was damaging my soul then. It wasn’t until I made a choice to quit that I realised the depth of the pit I had dug myself into. The enemy has his chains round my neck and I was bound.
For the next 13 years, I would struggle miserably, alternating between short periods were I willed myself to abstain from porn to long periods of viewing porn and abusing my body. The longer I abstained, the stronger the cravings would overwhelm me with a vengeance.
I went through all the emotionally rollercoaster you can expect. I felt so much guilt, shame, anger, pain, frustration, depression, and even suicidal. The latter was caused by the hypocrisy I felt as a so-called Christian. People knew me to be a devout Christian. I hated the secrecy and double life. I would serve in church, yet I was miserable, struggling to rid myself of this addiction. I knew it was the one thing standing between me and my fullness in Christ. Yet I was totally helpless to fight it.
I finally mustered courage to do what most addicts of porn don’t do: confide in others about the addiction. It took me 15 years to tell another soul that I had been battling porn and masturbation for years. It was my ex-girlfriend I confided in. She is a spiritual and prayer Christian woman. I feared her judgement and condemnation, but she was kind and accepting. She prayed and fasted for me. However, the problem persisted.
I gave up. I quit trying. I cried into my pillow, declaring to God that I was helpless and powerless. The years had dealt me a solid realization that “by the flesh, no man shall prevail”. So, I gave up and placed the burden on God instead.
It’s amazing how when you come to God broken and express your weakness and insufficiency, He shows up. It took a week for me to realize that the urge to fantasize about sex and the cravings for porn just weren’t there anymore. I couldn’t even conjure such thoughts. I felt so light and free. That’s when I knew God has touched me and I was free. I haven’t had any urges or desires for porn ever since. In fact, it grosses me out now. I hate the very thought of it.
I have never ceased to give glory to God and to thank Him for setting me free. Fifteen years of addiction, and all I needed was to let go and let God. Thank You, Jesus. May Your name be glorified in all the earth.