I am going to tell you of a very dark event. One which speaks of the power of hate, pride, evil, ambition, darkness and of the power of gods love. I don’t deny the power of hatred because the truth is, hatred is powerful but an even greater power is love. I want to tell you of gods love. It all began when I was a young man, I dreamed that I was anointed by god to preach a message to the ends of the earth. Suddenly, evil men came and the very moment one of them threw a punch at me, I was about to block and fight back but I remembered what Jesus said in Matt. 5:39 about not standing up against an evil person so I let myself be beaten, they covered my eyes and hit me even as I fell to the ground, they left me bloodied and breathless. I was dragged away from my destination. I woke up and tried to find the meaning of the dream but I couldn’t understand so I forgot about it. Years later, I struggled to understand evil. I wondered about Lucifer and wondered “What made him so corrupt,so evil that he cannot be redeemed?, why did he choose to rebel against god if he was so blessed?” I saw satan wickedly grin at me in a vision, yet he took the form of someone else whom I had compassion for and perverted it.
I wanted answers from the words of his followers and they said “You follow god because he is as you call loving, well we follow the enemy of god because he is hating yet he lets people fulfill their own sinful nature, if your god is so loving, why does he punish sinners? he created them and their sinful nature, its because he is selfish, your god cast down Lucifer and cursed him because he did what was in his nature so how can you say that god isn’t evil?in reality, he is a tyrant and that’s why we follow the enemy of god.” I struggled to answer those confusions, I tried to search the bible for answers yet I found nothing. I became frustrated yet one day, I felt satans invisible hand trying to grasp my heart,trying to control me, I rebuked it in the name of Jesus, it left yet it came back stronger each time I did so. I felt uneasy and it burned me spiritually.
I began to be tormented by evil spirits, I woke up sometimes in the middle of the night from nightmares unable to go back to sleep and sometimes I didn’t sleep for the whole night. Later I saw a vision of myself being the warrior of god, wandering in a land, being persecuted by evil spirits manifested as soldiers dressed in black, I swiftly struck them to defend myself with the sword of the spirit (Eph. 6:17). I then struck them brutally out of anger, I wondered “is this righteous anger or not?” later god spoke to me saying “in order for you to understand how the followers of the enemy feel, you must experience what they experience.” I was afraid and I told him “I can’t do it, I can never leave you” he then said “this must happen, you must have compassion to truly love them” I then tremblingly asked him “will I go back to you?” he put his hand on my shoulder and said “i will be with you until the end of the world.” I felt like I descended into a state of suffering and I saw a vision of myself in a battlefield with an army of demons. I drew my sword, fought and struck many down. In the real world meanwhile, they were trying to attack me with lies. I fought for days, when Satan taunted me and said “How strong is your faith?, we will see if you fall!”, I felt his “grasping hand” grow increasingly stronger and I felt his lies become more deceptive and harder to rebuke. He laughed “your strong!, but how strong are you?” he suddenly disappeared from my sight and in the darkness, he prowled like a wolf, stalking his prey, calculating when to strike with such devastating force. I rebuked his lies with the word yet the demons in the vision were numerous and some were very strong yet I struck them down.
I was exhausted, sweating excessively. At times, I almost fell down on the floor but I screamed at myself in a mighty voice “rise up! stay loyal to god or you will die!” I gained strength and kept fighting until finally, I was hit by a powerful blow, I kept fighting but I was hit again by another a little worse than the first, I felt my body being broken. I was suddenly hit in the back and fell down on my knees, I had the courage to stand up again but I found Satan face to face, trying to get me to join him, I covered my ears and ignored him, he suddenly left, I kept fighting but I weakened to the point where I just wanted to surrender, I became angry and I mounted on an eagle which is symbolic (Isaiah 40:31). I fought using the arrows of god (psalm 64:7) and in the air. Immediately, I was in that dark place where Satan was, he again tried to deceive me, I covered my ears yet he said something that seemed to be true, once I uncovered my ears, he asked “who is more evil, god for making me this way, or I for being evil because that is in my nature?”
i was speechless then he said “your idea of good and evil means nothing, only when you have true power will you truly be able to understand.” He left like someone who had great power. Before I could do anything, I lost my faith and my will to fight. I was overpowered by evil spirits, they threw me off the eagle, I was blinded by darkness, I tried to fight but a weapon pierced through my armor into my heart, in a desperate attempt, I tried to strike but it was useless. They tore off my armor and beat me severely, they humiliated me, my hands were bound with chains then they beat me in brutal ways. I saw another vision of Satan, I yelled at him “i still have faith and with faith all things are possible!”, he laughed then I saw my faith which was a strong kingdom then he said unimpressed “This is your faith” then he laid his hand on the wall and it completely shattered, I lost faith, I saw chunks falling down and not one stone lay on top of another. I was plunged into darkness. One day I felt the power of the holy spirit leave me, I was empty, in anger I screamed “Thats fine, leave if you will, ill find my own way!.” I soon realized this is what Satan wanted to happen, he wanted me to keep fighting because it built up pride, true I used the sword and I had strength but I wasn’t deeply rooted in the word and I didn’t let Jesus give me living water then he struck me down, how cunning the enemy can be!
i became suffocated, empty of gods word, I turned evil each day, I felt uglier. Suddenly I felt hatred, pride, and rage explode out of my heart and I was filled with it. All my life, vengeance was in my heart. I was consumed utterly by darkness. One point, I became hurt, I remembered what god told me, what I hoped for, what I thought about love and I became angry, I screamed “this was supposed to work!, love was supposed to get me the victory!” I remembered the times I tried to love with all my heart but I felt it was in vain, I felt it brought me nothing but unbearable pain. I screamed at god “why?!, love heals all wounds but it hasn’t healed mine!” I plucked love and threw it out of my heart, I turned away from god, that was the coldest expression I ever felt when I turned away and walked away from him with my pride, arrogance, and hatred. I began to hate love, even the word love, my hatred turned into burning hatred and I was turning into a monster. Satan then told me “the reason why the most wicked men achieve their plans of destruction is because of their true power which is hatred.” I began to accept this lie. I felt people who loved me, hugging me, desperately telling me to go back to god, I pushed them away, feeling nothing, I kept walking into darkness. I believed that love never was real, that its just a delusion in an attempt to keep the peace in the world, I believed that god just wanted to enslave people to believe in a delusion called “love”, that he just wanted his own glory and didn’t care how people felt.
I embraced the concept of hatred day by day. One day, I had a vision of myself standing on a “troubled” sea (Isaiah 57:20). I saw Jesus humbly himself and manifest himself as a warrior (Exodus 15:3), I knew it was god because when I looked at him he looked so calm. I felt his presence. He seemed absolutely invincible and I somewhat acknowledged his great power. I saw light being absorbed from the world and being drawn to him. He then said “you have said in your heart that evil brings true power but if you can defeat me then I will join you.” He drew his blade and waited for me to attack him, I had a black sword, I can’t completely understand what these visions meant but I knew god was capable of fighting his own people spiritually and perhaps physically (Genesis 32:23-32). I said “i don’t need to have faith in you, I can have faith in myself” then I ruthlessly attacked him yet with one hand, he repulsed me, I flew back but each time I landed on my feet. We fought for days then we appeared in a dark realm, we fought in darkness until finally my blade clashed against his and I was overpowering him for a moment yet he saw just how vengeful I was then he disappeared and said “you have been defeated because of yourself” I then was left alone in the dark, shivering. I was humiliated but I still thought that I needed more power to defeat him.
My hatred grew as well as my pride, arrogance, and rage. It grew so much that it changed me severely, I had a vision of my fingers turning into vicious claws and I was turning into a savage animal like in the bible (Daniel 4:25).I suddenly felt a sort of power of darkness attach itself to me and I didn’t even know what path I was going(1 John 2:8-11), I felt like a warrior who had lost his way, I felt no peace (Isaiah 48:22). I became so selfish, I hated everything in existence, I became the person I did not want to become, I saw myself cursing,insulting, hurting others and doing all sorts of evil deeds. I saw a vision of Christians who came near me and said “a christian never hates and if he does he never was a christian.” I became enraged and fiercely screamed “how do you know if I never was a christian?!, I tried to spread gods love, I know gods word!” I approached them aggressively and stared into their eyes and screamed “look into my dark eyes and tell me I never was a christian!, when I was suffering, love never came to rescue me!, god is a liar and a tyrant!” then one said “who are you to question god?” I screamed again “who am I to question god? who is god to play with my life?! why did he cast down Lucifer and curse him?,why is it always the worst of people who get ignored by Christians while the hurting get their love?, the preachers and ministers sit in special chairs like their some kings so tell me how a supposedly good gracious god would let people suffer?!, and you people, many of you were my so called friends yet when I turned this way, you stopped being my friends, I have seen your hypocrisies, if this truly is gods love then don’t bother calling yourselves Christians and if it isn’t then its not real so tell me how love exists?!” no one answered with scriptures.”Answer me!” I monstrously roared, then they left.
I became even more corrupted by darkness, but I saw a part of my human self, it said to god “Will you still remember me when I completely forsake you?, will you still remember the time when I was looking for love and I found you and you saved me from hatred?” I then coldly turned into my corrupted self. I heard the voices of Christians who told me “God loves you and he wants to forgive you”, I became very angry and lashed out with blasphemies, feeling like an elder who was more experienced than everyone else, I screamed with a hateful look in my face “Don’t tell me about love!, I don’t need to be forgiven by a weak, proud,tyrant who perverts love!, Vengeance is mine! and I would rather go to the lake of fire accepting my just punishment than go to heaven being like you!”, I heard Christians who had lost their way but they came back to god and asked for forgiveness but I arrogantly ignored it, I stopped going to church and when I was invited, I went but not to seek god, I sought to challenge him. I sat there, angry, unmoved, and I swore to myself that if the preacher belittled me by laying his hand on me, I would do a very wicked deed. It was just as proverbs 26:24-26 says “Whoever hates disguises himself with his lips and harbors deceit in his heart; when he speaks graciously, believe him not, for there are seven abominations in his heart; though his hatred be covered with deception, his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly.” I realized I was fully capable of having a lying tongue, a hand that steals, indulging in greed rather than sharing with the needy, a hand that destroys the innocent without mercy. I was capable of doing anything evil. I thought I found the greatest power of all, hatred, I felt powerful but one day I felt very depressed, hopeless, desperate, I felt so alone, I felt so much self pity and guilt and I cried, those were the loudest, most sorrowful cries I had in my life, I almost committed suicide, feeling nothing but my guilt, rage, and sorrow, but deep inside I felt a broken hand, holding me tightly so that I would not kill myself, I found that it was my other self, the warrior whom I thought was already dead, even though he almost had nothing, he was still willing to fight, my evil self wanted to get rid of him so that nothing would stand in my way.
I swore that if anyone told me that they loved me, I would give them a very terrible punishment, I would turn them like me and then humiliate them. I had a vision, I saw Jesus, the warrior, he spoke truth but I laughed hysterically and screamed very arrogant words at him then I attacked him with the power of darkness, it destroyed the environment except him, he repulsed me, yet I vomited to show my eagerness to destroy him, I tried to consume him in darkness but he was faster than I anticipated, I soon traveled at superhuman speed and charged at him, trying to destroy the truth but I was pushed back, finally I mustered up all the darkness and hatred I had (Matt. 6:23) and in a powerful fist filled with my blazing fury, the size of a world, I threw the greatest strike I could at him but to my amazement, he blocked it and pushed me down on the floor, I could barely move. I was humiliated, I couldn’t believe it. I had left this path of love, I thought hatred was the greatest power, I thought it was supposed to make me apathetic to fear, to pain, to being human, but I found that hatred failed to do that, I found that hatred is caused by the lack of love, I thought that my hatred would keep my rage aflame but it didn’t, it eventually extinguished. Those who hate aren’t freed from pain, they are enslaved to it. My hatred turned me into a very corrupted person, I thought I was supposed to be more powerful than Jesus but I wasn’t, meanwhile he remained unchanged (Malachi 3:6), still more powerful than i.
Confused, I asked myself “What is love?!” he left, my pride filled me but I felt his angels chain that corrupted part of me. I felt powerless, still very angry, but very depressed. I met a christian and he prayed for me. I was about to threaten him but I couldn’t, I asked him “Why is the enemy attacking me like this?”, he replied “because he is afraid that god is going to use you for very great things, god has called you to be a preacher.” I refused to believe him, I was still angry at god. “How could I ever be a preacher like this?!” I wondered, but god told me “when I found you, hatred has caused you to be weak, but my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9). Eventually, I rejected the help of my fellow christian, I felt the enemy put heavy chains on me, he took me to a cliff above hell, I became so hopeless, so broken, I cried out “If there is such a thing as love, if anyone loves me enough that they would keep praying for me, I ask them to stop and forget about me because there is no hope for me, I will always hate and I won’t ever have eternal life.” I saw a vision of myself in heaven, whole, but then slowly, I fell down into hell, as I fell down to the deepest part, I became transformed into that very corrupted monstrous form, full of darkness. When I fell to the ground, all I could hear was the inhuman roars that I made. Despite all of my despair, I heard god say to me “Has darkness completely consumed you?, you don’t even know your own words, but if you still love me, come find me and I will give you truth and make you a new creature.” I didn’t know what I felt but I crawled and in the vision, I went to mount Zion, I kept crawling and I found Jesus as he was in the gospels. He was preaching on loving your neighbor but when I approached, he stopped and looked at me, his followers looked down on me, he walked near me, I ashamedly looked down at his feet then I looked up and I saw him stretch his hand and felt his hand touch my forehead, suddenly I felt burning oil fall on my head, it was like boiling water and the darkness, burning hatred, rage, and evil left me, I felt gods fire move through me and burn the demons, making them flee and the heavy chains broke, fell then shattered. All at once, the place turned into hell and I heard Satan roaring very angrily, he tried to take me away with a torrent (Rev. 12:15) but Jesus carried me and placed me in a safe place. I could finally walk on my feet but then I fell down, feeling dead, I then arose when god gave me life. Abruptly, I felt the devils hand grasp my heart, and he told me weakly but wickedly “im not going to let you go!”, I then saw myself being violently dragged back into hell. I suddenly found accusers disguised as “pharisees.” they beat me brutally almost to death not with fists but with words. One said “You are still under the curse of the law and that shall be your death!.” I knew they were parts of me because another said “your own law of vengeance shall kill you because of your sins!” They were right, the bible says “The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you” and the words I said condemned me because the same words the pharisees used, I used. I mocked, accused, and humiliated Jesus, I was like the high priest who tore his vest in Matthew 26. In that time, I felt what it was like to be ashamed and condemned. I felt unworthy to be saved but Christ interceded for me and the punishments which were meant to be given to me were given to Christ.
When I remembered his death, my hatred became destroyed and my accusers left me. I had an incredible vision, I was powerfully filled with the holy ghost and I found new robes which represented gods law of love (Gal. 5:14), my eyes were blazing, the light inside me made my skin shine brightly and it vastly illuminated the dark places. I understood the truth, the truth god revealed to me was that those who truly love god gladly go to his light and nothing can separate them from his love, those who are with god for a while but ultimately forsake him never truly loved him in the first place. I once was filled with and shielded with so much hatred but love pierced my heart, I didn’t like the feeling of being weakened by love, but finally it consumed me from within and my wounds were healed because “Hatred stirs up strife, But love covers all transgressions” (Proverbs 10:12), when once I felt burning hatred, I felt burning love, I had new desires, when once I wanted to curse and scream hateful, hurtful words at people, I now want to speak words of peace and of love, when once I was proud and arrogant, I now wanted to be humble, when I once wanted to destroy the innocent not just with violence but with words, I want to preach about Jesus, when once I wanted to be consumed in my greed, I now want to give many of my possessions to the poor and show gods love and when once I was so filled with depression, sorrow,rage, and vengeance, I was now filled with the joy, peace, gentleness and love of Jesus Christ. I encourage everyone who hasn’t accepted Christ as their savior to truly call him and ask him to be your lord and savior, I promise you, you will never regret it.