My Transformation Journey

I wish I had good memories when I was just a child, but it was not the case. At a very young age, my childhood was tainted, and my innocence was corrupted because I was sexually abused by my cousin not just once but on several occasions. That incident had brought prolonged and insidious damage to my sexual orientation.

I began to feel detached toward my same sex and would prefer to play and join with girls that developed into an inclination of femininity. I have no solid guidance from my father because he was always with my two oldest brothers. I received lots of bullying from school and from my neighbor because of my gayish character.

The frequent fights of my parents just inflicted more deep-seated dysfunction to my upbringing. I became shier, with low self-esteem and wanted to be distant with other people. When I was in high school, I was introduced into pornography and ballooned further when I was in college.

My addiction to pornography just got worse when I was already working. I just thank God that I did not come to a point of engaging into a homosexual relationship. I did not notice that through the years, my issues and my past created a monster in me that I developed anger issues.

I’ve hurt my mother because I shouted sometime when I talked to her. I don’t have a good relationship with my brothers and hurt some of my acquaintances and loved ones along the way. As the year progressed, I felt the sadness and void in my heart and thought to myself that this was not the life I wanted to live.

I prayed to God to give me a church that would help me in my transformation. There one time, I saw Ptr Bong on Facebook delivering his preaching that eventually aroused my interest in what church he was affiliated to. Then, I signed up for CCF small groups and had Pao Isyasa as my leader. In one of our dgroup discussions, Pao asked me that if I would die that day, where would I go. Is it heaven or hell? I was stunned and caught off-guard what to say because all my life I was disobedient and rebellious to Him.

It was at the height of the pandemic that my spiritual transformation and journey began. Four months into my spiritual journey, I prayed earnestly to God to take away my addiction to pornography, and surprisingly, it was instant. Right now, it’s been almost four years since I was free from the slavery of pornography. I slowly make amends with my brothers and show to them that I was regretful with my actions in the past. I gradually worked on my anger issues and being grumpy and I was able to tone it down by God’s grace.

I have been praying to God that one day, I would feel normal as a man, the way straight men do. But if not, it does not matter because I no longer identify myself as such, but I identify myself as the redeemed child of God. Sometimes, I asked God why it happened to me but now I understand that those struggles, those pains will be used by Him as a testimony that even how broken you are, how ugly your past is, He can turn it into a beautiful story, a story of hope, a story of redemption.

The world may gloat over my circumstances, but I found my rescuer and my defender. I found real peace in Him that whatever the struggles, whatever the pain, I have the assurance that He is in control. I found forgiveness, I found healing from my past wounds, and I found the thing that I have been unaware of for so long, His love for me.

My old self may try to fail me and to live the sinful life, but I put it under because my joy and desire is no longer with the world but following our Christ. It is difficult to take the righteous path and it is a humbling journey but there is no better way forward but to fix my eyes on Jesus. Some of my acquaintances asked me why I have no qualms in sharing my story, but I told them that my past no longer holds of me. My old self was already crucified with Christ, and I no longer live but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me.

As a response for the goodness of our Lord, I started my own dgroup. It was not easy leading them because I was not used to being with men but there is no great barrier that God cannot break for He works in unimaginable ways. For there are no excuses and weaknesses that can hinder us when God uses us in His business of saving people. There are a lot of broken people around us, and they cannot see the need for Christ if we cannot help them see their own brokenness, their helplessness, and their nothingness. And in this brokenness, I can share a testimony to others, to my dgroup and to my family that there is victory in Christ.