Living a Double Life of Sin

I remember in Sunday School every time the lesson of the day was about the Book of Revelations always grabbed my attention. I was in fear of the Book of Revelations. Then one day when I was 12-13 my Sunday school lead me into prayer. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and remember the feel of the heavy burden lifted off my shoulders. It was huge weight.

I recalled a dream I had, possibly younger than 12, the face of God lit up in the night sky above my front yard. The image of his face down to his nose, mouth, and everything that reflects a face was outlined in fire and he gave some sort of vase to hold on to. It was an honor and at the same time I felt as if I should not be given that responsibility. In that dream I end up breaking it in my hands.

This is my insecurity I always had. I felt more of a follower and not a leader. I am not good to lead nor should be given a heavy responsibility as I would end up disappointing someone that trusted me. I would look as a complete con and people would be disappointed after trusting and believing that I might be the person to do the job.

I have never been a person that was well articulate. Alot of times I lose a debate or argument. I can not a hold conversation and my mind would go blank not knowing what to say. I was terrible in a social environment as well as socially awkward. I never truly fitted in with the secular world and also a church environment where there are members of the body of Christ. It was truly lonely.

During my junior high years, I remember getting up from bed one afternoon and heard an audible calling my name. I don’t remember my age when this occurred. I didn’t know what to think about it back then and went on my merry way.

Fast forward to my junior year in high school and by this time like some teenagers I was no longer in church. I stopped going altogether and I reflected back that my thinking
was becoming more conformed to the ways of the world. I remember one night I was walking to a girl’s house with my cousins who were visiting from the side of town.

As we walked, we were sweating a little and I remember a cool breeze that was refreshing but I didn’t think anything of it.

The next day after school I went to our mailbox and there was a letter, and I cannot remember if it was addressed to me by my name or not. I opened the letter and a had a bunch of musical notes. Back then I thought I wanted to be a musician. I remember these words written in the letter that “last night I saw you walking, and I sent a breeze to cool you and I want you back home.”

I knew it wasn’t my cousins since they were from the other side of town, nor did they have an idea I used to go to church or that I believed in Jesus let alone they are kids themselves and lack transportation to come my house before I came back from school.

I was excited and I knew it was from God. Although God probably used someone to write it but nevertheless that person listened and had faith no matter how confusing or understand why they had the write a letter in a specific way.

God will ask us to do things and we may not understand the instructions, but the end result is his name he is glorified, and it has touched someone he intended it for.

Yet, with this I did not come back home. I still lived my life. I remember when I see street preachers in my area I enjoyed them. I even come up to them and talk to them even went to church when invited. This doesn’t mean I was living for Jesus, but I know he was still calling me back.

By the time I went to college I was doing worldly things with college friends. Some were satisfying and some were not. I truly never fit in with them. A lot of times I make excuses not to hang out or ignore their phone calls to avoid being asked to hang out.

I remember I had a job working security from 3pm-11pm and I met another security guard who was working 11pm-7am. I remember his name, Larry. He was about 15-16 years older than and I couldn’t have been more than 20–21-year-old at the time.

I would eventually go spend time with him at this station from at 11pm and until I wanted to leave and sometimes, I stayed until his shift ended at 7am. He would share food with me and listen to sermons on the radio. We talked about God and prayed. I remember hearing preachers on the radio with their sermon and I remember Charles Stanley and David Jeremiah.

We fellowshipped constantly and I didn’t care about hanging out with my friends. Just was not for me. I did not want to sit around to hang and drink especially that I didn’t even drink. The other security guards noticed this also, after my shift was done, I would go back to Larry’s post, and we fellowshipped. No one ever made any comments that I know of on why I would spend a lot of time with Larry. Looking back at the fellowship, spending time ” breaking bread “, praying, listening to sermons was one of best times of my life.

I honestly did not care much about what young secular people in their early 20’s do for fun. The clubs and bars were not fun for me to be honest. And socializing was even more uncomfortable as I sit there in silence. Have I done worldly things and in my flesh? Yes. True enjoyment was always in fellowship with others in Christ.

I remember one night I was working and sitting at the dispatcher’s area in the control room, and I believed I was reading the bible and all of the sudden it must have been the holy spirit. I was looking at the other security guard and it was like looking at a different species. There is no way to describe the moment or what I was feeling when this took place. I remember I read a scripture, that God will read a scripture in Joel 2:25,

“And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you?”

This touched my spirit.

Now we fast forward to a time I became increasingly lonely where I didn’t have any secular friends nor a church to call home. The loneliness and sadness put in a place that was dark. In the moment I had reflected in my past that I been living a double sinful life and yet God still chose to reach out to me and still blessed me and I got to experience his power, although I didn’t deserve it.

By the time was I was considered an adult to being middle age I was living a double life of sin. All rooted from the loneliness and the more I gave into the flesh it had gotten easier to make excuses for the sins. I was in rebellion. The further I went down the rabbit hole, the deeper my feet were into hell. Opening doors that I should never have let opened.

I was living in sexually immorality and sexual abominations that are very shameful and dark. My desires of the flesh were everywhere. All this sinning, knowing the gospel, and having experienced the Lord in my life and I yet rebelled, and GOD has ever been merciful and graceful. I have nothing but gratitude.

Now as I am nearing 50, I am seeking out Jesus again and he has delivered me. Do I still struggle with the flesh and thoughts? Yes. I am at better place now spiritually with Jesus than without. I looked back and see how broken I was and how much my life was in constant rebellion. Only by God’s mercy and grace I am able to write this now.

As long as you are still breathing it is never too late to turn back and seek the Lord. Seek his ways, seek his heart, ask him to tear down anything that is ungodly. Ask to be reflection of Jesus and repent. Live a life that you know him deeply and he knows you.

Be conformed to Jesus. Jesus will always welcome you and have him make the change in you.