Praying Girl

Why Is God Doing This?

I need $25,000 dollars.

How odd, that this is the figure that will erase all of my problems, and I mean ALL. I’ve tried everything to earn the amount, worked, taken extra work, both out here in the world and online, even spending an entire year teaching English as a second language abroad, but just when I begin to accrue the amount, something ALWAYS comes up that drains me back to negative.

From an unexpected illness, to being rendered redundant with no severance pay, to going months without a job, taking out loans to survive, then once I secure work, bills and REPAYING those loans take every cent I have, or I wind up lending it to those with greater needs than my own who in turn can’t afford to refund me due to their own circumstances, or who just plain ghost me, leaving me at a great loss, especially emotionally.

The devil is a liar, and I have thrown scripture at my problem, but the words are increasingly sounding hollow. Can anyone out there relate? WHERE IS GOD DURING MY TIME OF CRISIS? The worst part is being related to people who are doing exceptionally well, yet cite problems {imaginary, if you ask me} as the reason behind their lacking financial support. The plan is simple. It always has been. Earn, save, and pay what I owe, yet…

I’m losing my faith, not to mention my sanity. To think of all those hopes and dreams I had for my life only to find myself a slave to $25,000? What bitterness I feel! Death would be merciful, I keep thinking. So many suffer out there, going through way worse, and I know all this and emphasize accordingly, but that’s their journey, and I would love to impact their lives, but for this pesky fiscal problem of mine.

They don’t tell you this when you get saved. The testing of one’s faith is brutal.