“Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell what he has done for my soul.” Psalm 66:16
I never had the emotional security that a young developing girl needed growing up in a single parent household. Even worse, I was an only child so that doubled the loneliness growing up. My mom raised me to the best of her ability, and I will never take her sacrifices for granted but I felt like a burden, unheard, and misunderstood.
I remember my mom being angry and depressed for majority of my childhood and I carried those physical and emotional wounds into my adulthood. I didn’t learn how damaged I truly was until my college years when didn’t know how to stop them from bleeding into my own personal relationships. I was fiercely independent and fun to be around, but I mostly stayed to myself in school. Honestly, my college years feel like a blur.
I started out doing everything I was supposed to do as far as going to class, studying, and taking tests but something wasn’t right. I fell into cycles of depression, that I could never quite recover from. I partied throughout my freshman year. I used drinking and drugs to soothe my emotional wellbeing over my failing grades and lack of focus in my junior and senior year.
Working and dating different men to fill the empty voids became my priority. I eventually dated the abusive man that would steer me away completely from finishing school for three years. Those years were dedicated to pleasing him and working very hard at my two to three jobs to pay bills and to keep us afloat. I worked several fast foods jobs because it was easy to get hired and I could quit and find another one when I felt like it.
I’m still recovering emotionally, mentally, and spiritually from those impulse decisions. I remember going to use the bathroom one day on a work break and finding a cloth keychain that read “This is a sign of Salvation.” I didn’t want to throw it away, so I kept it ever since. I didn’t know at the time that God was nudging me towards Him.
Eventually, I end up leaving that relationship and for years to come would fill my mind, time, and space with equally damaging partnerships. All with the common goal to distract me from myself and my failures in life. I soon found temporary comfort in tarot and oracle cards for three years. Shuffling those cards gave me something I thought I could control, and I felt like I was exercising my spiritual gifts the way God intended. I’m so glad I was wrong. The last deck that I bought had depictions of the Holy Spirit and Jesus in it, although He was called “The Healer of All Ages”. In my heart, I knew it was Him.
I called my mom crying telling her that I needed to leave divination alone. I ventured into a lot of spiritual subjects including numerology and astrology and I admit that I bought into the illusion of control that the enemy sold only to be shown by God showed time and time again that He was sovereign and that nothing happens without His permission. He has truly spared me and for that, I will be forever grateful. Everything that I’ve been through has led me to writing this article just for you.
God bless you and remember that God loves you. God has provided healing from my past and the men that I’ve dated and friends I’ve had have grown me spiritually as a person. It’s ok to hate the lessons but they are truly blessings in disguise. I still have struggles but that is because I am human. Haggai 2:9 says,
“The latter glory of this house will be greater than the former, says the LORD of Hosts. And in this place, I will provide peace, declares the LORD of Hosts.”
Thank you, Jesus. I look forward to the future and I want You by my side every step of the way. Amen.
Amen.