It’s 1:57 am and yet another night I am crying my eyes out. Questioning my worth to even be here on earth. I’m so ashamed that I went on to carry out a second abortion for the same man. Also, the father of my kid. My story is very complicated. All my life I seemed to want to be closer to God but could never reach him how I wanted too. I’m 27 years old and very nice, never in trouble all I do is work and take care of my kid.
About 4 years ago I met the father of my kid. He was very charming… but only for a little while… long story short he was emotional and physically abusive. I’ve been beat while pregnant, black eyes, stumped on like a man. But I STILL continued to stay with this man. I’m no longer the confident silly girl. I’m insecure, nervous and depressed. He would cheat on me, steal my things etc. and every time I would try to leave, he would manipulate my mind to coming back.
After having my first kid, our relationship was already down heel. Fast toward I end up getting pregnant again, but we weren’t together, so I decided to terminate at this time I was regretful but not how I feel tonight!! He didn’t care if I kept it, even asked me was the baby for him. Omg I hated him so much I ran to do the abortion. After that he and I still were messing around only because in my mind this is the only person that would ever want me…
Lord this man has taken my mind; I am so WEAK now.
I got pregnant again, and he told me to figure it out on my own. My heart was crushed. I was shocked at this pregnancy because after we had taken a plan b pill. But it didn’t work! And birth control mad me sick and made my hair fall out. I never in life thought this would be ME. I know God is so disappointed in me! Tonight, I yearn for my baby so BAD. The father is still living his life up like nothing happened, didn’t even call to see if I was ok.
I’ve been praying for strength; I just want to get out of this abusive relationship!! I’m tired. We don’t live together but this man still has control over my life. I will never forgive myself for this!! I’m praying right now asking God to perform a miracle by putting my baby back in my stomach.
I don’t deserve to live. But I have to be here to take care my child. I hope I can see my other kids in heaven when it’s my time. Why can’t I reach GOD?? Why am I allowing this to happen and be my life? Lord, please help me!!!!!
I don’t want to be beat on or spit on or called bad names anymore. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I used to be so Smart! So independent, I’m crushed I want my babies back. So scared I’ll be going to hell for this, Lord please forgive me
This verse is perfect
“You direct me on the path that leads to a beautiful life. As I walk with You, the pleasures are never-ending, and I know true joy and contentment.” Psalm 16:11 (VOICE)
– “King David reminds us the secret to living a beautiful life isn’t dependent on where our feet tread but in WHOM our feet follow”.
You must read this devotional. It’s called “How to Live a Brave and Beautiful Life – Encouragement for Today”
http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/encouragement/
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Where are you located? in which country and city? I think first of all you need counseling from any God fearing man of God, I mean not professional who serve for money and also you need a Church to get help, advise spiritual and physical help. most important thing you must pray for wisdom, I believe God will lead you and He will send someone in your path to guide you and help you. you also need a sincere relationship with some true Christian believers, those who love unconditionally , pray and stand with you. Let me know If you are in South Africa and i will try to find some help for you. God be with you bless you and give you peace. may you be wise enough to spend rest of your life in Christ and conquer the enemy through Christ. remember. Matthew 6:33 and read from verse 26 but concentrate on 33. God be with you.
I’ve been where you are girl…. same situation. Please know that the only thing that delivered me was God’s promises. His grace and mercy can and will heal you in the name of Jesus. Seek his word and his presence through fervent prayers and ask him to remove the soul tie. Time will heal you. God will help you. I was so depressed and by renewing my mind through his word, he helped me. Trust in the Lord. He will not fail you. Praying for you. God Bless.
Thank you for your post . I do trust in the lord I always pray , but this is SO hard . Especially when you have a child with the person that means every time you see them your reminded of all of this & to see them living it up while your going through hell is very hurtful
Your story just broke my heart! You’ve got to get you and your child out of this. It is possible, don’t give up hope! There are places that can help women in your situation. If you need help, I’d be happy to look for one in your general area, wherever that may be. Do you have family close by? Do you go to a church? I’m sure someone there could assist you in getting out of this. Praying for you!
Sweetheart,
You first must know that you are already forgiven and the Lord wants you no matter what you think you have done. There is no pit to deep or dark for Him to reach in and lift you out. God loves you unconditionally. You cannot earn your way into His heart. You are in His heart. God has given you a spirit of strength, power and a sound mind. If God is for you, who can be against you? You can do all things in Christ who strengthens you. The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. God is not punishing you. He is not angry with you. Don’t let the enemy steal your joy any longer. Stop believing the lies and start to focus all your mind on the truth. No man will ever give you what you are seeking, Turn back to God and lean on Him. Acknowledge Him in all things and he will direct your path. A Thought of God.
Jesus is clear when He teaches that the images we see are indeed our thoughts projected outwards. All things are thoughts, and that is why it is important to pay attention to thoughts. What are you thinking about? What thoughts are you entertaining, holding onto, and believing?
I had a friend who was suffering from depression, and her life was miserable even though she appeared to have everything. One day, she discovered that she spent her days thinking thoughts that were not true. Her ugly thoughts became the way she felt so she decided to experiment by changing her thoughts. Then a friend gave some scripture to focus upon.
Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.
She knew she had to sort out the false thoughts from the true with the help of the Holy Spirit. She was willing and that was enough. What is true? God! What is Noble? God! What is just? God! What is pure? God! What is lovely? God! What is good? God! What is virtuous? God! What is praiseworthy? God! It becomes clear then that we must meditate on God which is in line Jesus teachings.
God’s Name is holy, but no holier than yours. To call upon His Name is but to call upon your own. God’s Name can not be heard without response, nor said without an echo in the mind that calls you to remember. Say His Name, and you invite the angels to surround the ground on which you stand, and sing to you as they spread out their wings to keep you safe, and shelter you from every worldly thought that would intrude upon your holiness.
Practice but this today; repeat God’s Name slowly again and still again. Become oblivious to every name but His. Hear nothing else. Let all your thoughts become anchored on this. Let God’s Name becomes your only thought, your only word, the only thing that occupies your minds. Should you join a brother as you sit with him in silence, and repeat God’s Name along with him within your quiet mind, you have established there an altar which reaches to God Himself and to His Son.
My friend practiced this and her depression lifted.She is extremely happy now, and that is God’s will for us.
You have everything you need inside of you. You are loved and you are never alone. God is with you. Rest your mind, Be still and sink into His presence.
Thanks for the encouraging comment. I’m listing a source I found for the above: http://acim.org/Lessons/lesson.html?lesson=183
“God’s Name is holy, but no holier than yours.” – not sure about the meaning of this part.
Wow. Thank you so much for this post . This made me feel so much better . I’ve reach out for couseling for my depression. I can’t wait . Because I really need help with moving on & making better decisions. Also to stop thinking negative. There is not a day goes by I’m not thinking about what I’ve done. Most days I lay in bed after work & punish myself with all of these negative thoughts. I feel for my baby bc all he do is watch me look helpless once he and I are alone , but I know things will get better for me !!!
I’m praying that you get out of this situation and that you will be free from bondage. Don’t allow the devil to come in and feed you these lies. You have already asked The LORD for forgiveness, it’s done! You are forgiven! Walk in that forgiveness, walk in the grace that HE gives to us. Don’t even entertain the thoughts of doubt, worry, and insecurity. It can be hard at first, but every time you hear a negative thought you have to capture it and replace it with The WORD OF GOD so that it does not sink into your heart and take root, which will produce more negative feelings.
“Dont worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done (Philippians 4:6 NLT)”.
“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your GOD. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with My Victorious Right Hand (Isaiah 41:10 NLT)”.
Know that GOD is watching over you and will provide a way out for you. Have faith and believe!!
God has already forgiven you. Now you need to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes. The key is running to God and asking him to forgive you and allowing him to change you and give you peace. This will take time, I know it did for me. Do you spend much time with God? Start making time for Bible reading and prayer every day. Make it the most important thing in your life. Do it every day and before long you will see a change in you heart. I know God loves you and he is there for you. Just go to him….keep going to him even when you don’t feel like he’s there. He *is* there….and He forgives you. Now you need to forgive yourself.
Oh and this “man” you mentioned….he isn’t a man at all….nothing but an abusive child. Get away from him ASAP. I was in a similar situation with someone for 14 years. I had four children and I did not leave him soon enough. He almost killed me on two occasions and he now has custody of our two children and I’m not even allowed to visit them without *his*supervision. And right now I can’t see them at all. GET AWAY from him now. It will not get any better, I promise you. The man sounds a lot like my X.
Hey Guys! Just to update you all. I started my counseling and things are coming along great. Even though things in my life aren’t great right now I’m still happy! I wake up feeling better each day. I’m learning to train my brain into positive thoughts, regardless of how bad my current situation is. Be Blessed everyone :)!
Peace be unto you my Sistah!