It’s 1:57 am and yet another night I am crying my eyes out. Questioning my worth to even be here on earth. I’m so ashamed that I went on to carry out a second abortion for the same man. Also, the father of my kid. My story is very complicated. All my life I seemed to want to be closer to God but could never reach him how I wanted too. I’m 27 years old and very nice, never in trouble all I do is work and take care of my kid.
About 4 years ago I met the father of my kid. He was very charming… but only for a little while… long story short he was emotional and physically abusive. I’ve been beat while pregnant, black eyes, stumped on like a man. But I STILL continued to stay with this man. I’m no longer the confident silly girl. I’m insecure, nervous and depressed. He would cheat on me, steal my things etc. and every time I would try to leave, he would manipulate my mind to coming back.
After having my first kid, our relationship was already down heel. Fast toward I end up getting pregnant again, but we weren’t together, so I decided to terminate at this time I was regretful but not how I feel tonight!! He didn’t care if I kept it, even asked me was the baby for him. Omg I hated him so much I ran to do the abortion. After that he and I still were messing around only because in my mind this is the only person that would ever want me…
Lord this man has taken my mind; I am so WEAK now.
I got pregnant again, and he told me to figure it out on my own. My heart was crushed. I was shocked at this pregnancy because after we had taken a plan b pill. But it didn’t work! And birth control mad me sick and made my hair fall out. I never in life thought this would be ME. I know God is so disappointed in me! Tonight, I yearn for my baby so BAD. The father is still living his life up like nothing happened, didn’t even call to see if I was ok.
I’ve been praying for strength; I just want to get out of this abusive relationship!! I’m tired. We don’t live together but this man still has control over my life. I will never forgive myself for this!! I’m praying right now asking God to perform a miracle by putting my baby back in my stomach.
I don’t deserve to live. But I have to be here to take care my child. I hope I can see my other kids in heaven when it’s my time. Why can’t I reach GOD?? Why am I allowing this to happen and be my life? Lord, please help me!!!!!
I don’t want to be beat on or spit on or called bad names anymore. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I used to be so Smart! So independent, I’m crushed I want my babies back. So scared I’ll be going to hell for this, Lord please forgive me