Learning to Trust in Him

I came across this website and am super excited because I feel like I need to write my feelings out. About a year ago, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me. We both loved each other very much and always said we saw a future together. However, first year of college, he joined a a leadership club where he met new people and did a whole bunch of cool stuff, I became extremely jealous because I wanted to be a part of it, but I had bad grades so I couldn’t join.

I was always jealous, I was jealous of his success compared to my failures, I was jealous of the girls he would interact with, i was a really mean and uptight with him and slowly, we began to drift apart. We met our senior year and I had been involved in church but as soon as we started dating, I cut off all ties with the church because I was ashamed he wasn’t a Christin and I knew they would call me out on it. He is catholic, but more of the title then actually religious.

Anyways, we had just completed our 3 year anniversary in October 2017, and by November, we broke up, I was devastated, and instead of giving him space, I pushed and pushed and pushed to try to get him to talk to me, to show him we are perfect together, I pushed hard! I went as far as giving him sex just so he would stay with me. It was wrong and I did more damage to myself in the end, he could care less if I’m being honest. Anyways, after 3 months of that, he decided he liked a girl he was working with at college; and I was extremely jealous of this girl since I’d met her! So I was even more hurt, and I would always ask him about her and he’d always tell me he had no feelings for her and until my fears came to pass, he did and he ended up cutting me out of his life completely, because he wanted to date her. This was during the last semester at our community college!

I would see them walking around, I saw them kissing, but I ignored it, until one day, I was walking out of class and saw him and her get into his car and drive off, I decided to follow….BIG MISTAKE… we hadn’t talked for 3 months during that time… I saw him park where we parked if we wanted to do stuff…he parked there, turned off the car and put the blinds up… exactly what we did, I called him a million times, no answer, I got out, went to the car and knocked on the door until he came out, I wanna as furious and sooo hard broken!!! Just 3 months ago, he was saying “I love you still and still see you in my future”, and now, here he was having sex with his new gf, it got bad, I finally left, I texted him one thing, and decided to delete everything from Him!

3 more months passed, during this time, I started going to church again and really poured my heart out to the Lord… turns out, I couldn’t graduate from community college so I was devastated once again…but I continued to pray and I felt a little bit better! Until he called me! We talked, it was amazing, it was like nothing had stopped, he was still dating her but I didn’t care, I only wanted to talk to him… but things got bad again!

we went to the gym a few times together because that was our thing, and we went to the dog park together as well, she only knew about the dog park, she didn’t know we talked so much or went to the gym.. he told me he had kept all my messages and all the stuff I had given him after the breakup and he still thought of me and realized he made a mistake.. he said if he could turn back time he would.. he said he couldn’t love his now 6 month girlfriend because he still loved me and saw me in his future still…. we had sex, multiple times…. he ended up cheating on her because of me! They broke up, we still did things, and one day, i saw a picture of him and his friends at his new school, CPP, at an event and she was there! During this time, I was extremely frustrated because he would literally hide me from everyone because he didn’t want people to know we were talking again, and I realized, he had taking her out with his friends… I asked him what the deal was, he told me he still had feelings for her.. I threatened him and said I would tell her he cheated on her, he begged me not to because he didn’t wanna ruin it…

This was at the end of August 2018, finally, we both sat down and talked again, and he said he really really liked her still and wanted to try again, once again, I was devastated, I told him I never wanted to speak to him again and asked him to delete my number, no complaints from him, he did it without blinking an eye! Once again, I was left with a broken heart for a man I loved, and he’s out there loving this new girl and forgetting all about me!

At this moment, I have been praying to god day in and day out, that he may forgive me of my sins, and bring peace to my heart! I would be lying if I said I haven’t still been thinking of him! He was my first everything and it’s already been a year since we officially broke up, and every time I think I see him, I rush to get closer! Unfortunately, I still desperately want him, my heart aches everyday because I know he has forgotten me and only wants this new girl…. I’m mad and bitter sometimes because i think, why can’t god bring someone in my life and make me forget all about him!? Why does my ex get to be happy and I’m stuck picking up the pieces!? And I often times have negative thoughts wishing he would be hurt like I was!

I know in my heart that i am not ready for a relationship, and as difficult as it is, I know god allowed me to get so hurt because he needed that relationship to end and I was not letting go! It sucks because i always catch myself praying to god that he may mend my heart and heal me, and I mean it! But I also think quietly that I want him to do this so that I can share the gospel with my ex, bring him to Christ, grow a relationship with him again and then marry him…I’m so selfish and sinful, I compare myself to this new girl all the time, and It hurts because she is so beautiful and smart and everything I am not!

I am a mess, and all I ask is for whoever is reading this, to pray that god may restore my heart and for my life to be centered around Christ and only Christ! I am 22, I have such a long life a head of me! I know god will provide and bring joy to my life because he is all powerful and all knowing! It’s just difficult to see it now when all I am doing is hurting and suffering and seeing how happy he is without me… so please pray for me, and I hope that in time, I can come back here and share a beautiful testimony so that Anyone else who is going through something just as bad or worse even, can read my story and know, God is in control!

3 Comments

  1. Mansi 12/2/2018
  2. Rachelle 12/9/2018
  3. Fred 12/13/2018

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