Age matters to most people in the world. It’s become a popular invitation to break ups and make ups. Prayer during these times is like a medicine. On January 1, 2009, I found my first love. I remember it clearly.
We were at a church celebration for the New Year and he asked me to talk. (By the way, his name is Nathan.) He rambled off about how love is not a feeling; it’s a choice and about relationships. I really didn’t know where he was going with it and in the end; all I got from it was that relationships are based on time alone, whether you know your spouse is going to complete you spiritually or not.
When I got home, I got on the computer; it was, I think, 12:30 a.m. I checked my myspace messages and there was a message from Nathan. The funny thing is all I can remember from the message was he liked me. At the time, I was in like with someone else, but I could just feel this intense feeling go through my body. I had no clue what it was, but it felt good. He asked me if I liked him and I answered, yes.
What was going through my head? I cannot say, but I was just amazed and shocked to know that he liked me. Wow, and that’s how it all began. After a couple of days/ weeks of getting to know Nathan better, he asked me out. Of course, I said yes, but inside me, I felt this guilt of “cheating ” on the guy I use to like. So unfortunately, I broke up with Nathan. I had explained to him why we couldn’t be together.
After a couple of weeks, I started having stronger feelings for Nathan. I told him that I just wanted to talk to him, not date or anything. And then after a couple of weeks, I had that guilt feeling again and again.
You can say that our “relationship” wasn’t stable because of my feelings. I didn’t know who to choose. I mean, they were both great guys. In the end, I chose Nathan. Nathan and I had talked to the other guy, and it was fine, so Nathan and I started talking again.
About 3 months later, in May, Nathan came to one of my choir concerts. There, he asked me out. His exact words were, “Would you like to be my special one? “Haha” I have to laugh, it’s quite funny, but it’s adorable. Mmm, and yes was my answer indeed. We went out for a month, A MONTH. Want to know why? We only dated a month because of me. I kissed my brother’s friend.
Minutes after cheating on Nathan, Nathan called me. For some reason, I didn’t think about him at all, I was thinking about me. I was all happy and bubbly while talking to him, and I broke it off on the phone. How horrible is that? Well, anyways, after we had broken up, I went back to my brother’s friend and he was just like, “want to make out?” We never did, but it was intended.
Later that night, I prayed to God, asking Him what I had done wrong. After, I called Nathan right back. It was good to hear his voice, but at the same time, guilt was torturing me, inside and out. I remember, he asked me if I was sad, and he was just comforting me. At the time, I hadn’t even confessed to him what I had done. It didn’t even matter to me at the moment; only his voice mattered.
Months past, to be exact, 8 months have passed and here I am, writing about everything that happened in our little “relationship.” (It’s the month of December.) It hurts to know that I did something so horrible to a guy so amazing. Mmm, but like I said, age matters. HEY! I’m only 14 years old right now. Guess how old Nathan is? He’s 17 years old.
Age matters in so many ways. The maturity level and the spiritual walk level are so much better when you’re older. I guess that’s why Nathan cared so much and comforted me so much when all I did was hurt him. Right now, I wish Nathan and I were together. It’s as if we never knew each other; we’ve never met. I still believe that our little “love story” that we had is still going, he just hasn’t realized it yet.
In these times, God was there for me. He let me know that everything was okay. I cried myself to sleep for months, I even cut my wrists, and tried to commit suicide, but no, God let me know that it wasn’t okay. He was there when I did those things, He watched over me, and He was there to say that no matter what I do to hurt myself, He’ll heal it. God is oh so powerful. His love for us is amazing. Even in hard times like this, or even harder, He’ll be there! Nothing can be impossible if you have God.
In all, God is the only Love I need right now,