This is my story of a crisis of faith, brokenness, and Healing. May it encourage you through your difficult circumstances. To watch the video version of it (7:10 min), go here or see below. Feel free to share it with anyone who needs a shot of hope and encouragement.
Ever since high school I’ve been an easy-going woman with a passionate zeal for life and more than capable of tackling any challenge that came my way. Jesus has been my best friend since childhood and has always been at the center of my life.
For decades the Lord typically came through for me whenever I was in a truly difficult situation. Then one day in my late 40s it seemed like God failed me in such a huge way that it totally made me question everything about His character and I wondered if I could trust Him ever again.
During that time, I suffered a very long season of injustice, continual false accusations, and oppressive condemnation from someone close to me. I pleaded for the Lord to intervene over and over, but through it all He was totally silent. And in that silence, resentment, anger and bitterness towards my circumstances, and the Lord, took root inside me.
For two years those feelings simmered and boiled daily at various degrees. Then one day, to my complete surprise, my anger turned into a tangible rage. In that moment I lost all control and really scared myself. It was then that I knew I needed help and I wondered if I ever find my way back to the easy-going woman I used to be.
The help I found was through Celebrate Recovery, a Christian 12-step program that supports people to process their hurts, habits and hang-ups with the Lord. CR became my lifeline back to sanity as the Holy Spirit led me through each step of surrender and forgiveness to a deeper level of recovery and healing.
As I reflect back on those years of injustice, emotional pain and brokenness, I realized something. The betrayal I felt towards God was because I couldn’t imagine why my loving Daddy would allow me to suffer so much.
When I finally surrendered everything and let Jesus become Almighty King over my entire life, began to see clearly that a loving King will never override someone’s free will, even if it means one of His kids has to suffer. But what He will always do is redeem every painful situation, in His perfect timing.
The Lord brought beauty out of my ashes through a mysterious paradox. Rather than rescuing me, He left me in that very painful and unjust situation in order to grow my faith at a much deeper level which bore more fruit than I could have ever imagined.
Through that paradox, I gained a much deeper understanding of who the Holy Spirit is. and the more “in tune” with the Holy Spirit I became, the easier it was to hear the Lord’s voice which provided wisdom and guidance whenever I needed it.
After I completed the 12-step program, the Lord completely surprised me by inviting me on a “crazy” Adventure with Him across the country. That Adventure forced me to completely depend on Him, one day at time, and sometimes one hour at time, over 3-months and more than 12,000 miles!
It was the most amazing experience I’ve ever had, and I never once lacked for anything. Money and provision showed up every time I needed it, often in miraculous ways that only God could have arranged.
I look back on the last 7 years in awe. If it wasn’t for the intense brokenness I experienced, I never would’ve attended Celebrate Recovery. The CR tools I learned led to a true state of surrender. Total surrender developed new spiritual gifts, and those gifts prepared me to go on that “crazy” adventure.
If I had never gone on that crazy adventure, I would never have learned how to walk in daily intimacy with the Lord to experience a more consistent state of inner peace – that strange restful calm in the middle of any storm trusting the Lord with all of my needs and surrendering everything to His perfect will.
I’m over 50 now, and despite pretty much everything in my life still being unpredictable, I am experiencing more joy now than I ever have throughout my life.
How is that possible?
It’s because I have truly found my security in the LORD, not in my finances, my stuff, or my circumstances.
Psalm 46:10 says.
“Be Still and Know I Am God.”
It is a short verse containing a lot of power. As I live out that verse every day, I stand before the Lord as a Faithful Warrior and Beloved Daughter, diligently trusting in His unchangeable character and doing my best to see all things from God’s perspective rather than my own.
Please know You are not watching this video by accident. Regardless of what painful situation you are in, The Lord is right there with you… even if you can’t feel it, and especially when nothing makes sense, and everything seems unfair.
The Lord wants to bring beauty out of your ashes, just like He did in my life. But He needs you to give Him permission to begin that transformation process by surrendering everything to Him.
It’s ironic, but I’ve learned that the more I give up control, the more freedom I actually receive. And when I let Jesus be in the driver’s seat of my life, I can confidently wait, resting in the Lord, as He helps me address any challenges that come my way.