I’m So Done. Please Help Me, God.

I had been a hardcore atheist for the most of my life, because I thought science contradicted God. I scoffed at the idea of a higher being, until this happened…

During the last 2 years of elementary school, I had no friends, and felt the agony of being alone. Every time there was gym class and group projects that required me to partner with someone else and seeing everyone else partner with their friends, I felt a hole ripping through my stomach. Over time, I thought there was something wrong with me, and even thought I was so hateable that the teachers hate me too.

I told myself,

“No matter the cost, I must make friends next year.”

And thus, I began seeking acceptance.

It worked. By gaining this mindset, I made quite some friends that way. I sought acceptance and went with whatever was popular to avoid ever having no friends and feeling abandoned again. I did so many things to myself, like desensitizing myself to emotions, ditching my own opinions in favor of always following the trend, and participating in judging everyone in my class because the popular kid did it.

But this was just the beginning of the downward spiral.

Shortly after, I heard of porn and hentai. In curiosity, I looked at one of the videos and got addicted.

Until one day, I found a video talking about how short life was. Fear of death gripped me, and I wanted to break free of my addiction because heck, life was short.

I stumbled across an article about God, not really thinking much about it except thinking that maybe it would help me break free of my addiction. So, I decided to “follow” Christ.

I clearly remember three weeks after proclaiming I was going to “follow God”, I was still in sexual sin. I was at rock bottom and desperate. In utter despair, I cried out,

“I’m so done. Please help me, God. I’m so close, yet so far to stopping my sin but I just can’t somehow… End my suffering…”

whilst banging my head on the toilet railing, and tears flowed down from my eyes.

Suddenly I felt a renewed confidence. From then on, I was free from sexual sin, and God’s wonderful plan for me unfolded in front of my very eyes. I came to the wonderful realisation that God’s mercy and love was so profound that he even cared about such a terrible person like me.

All glory to Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, because without Him, my life would still be a mess and I would still be wasting my life away on meaningless things!