I want to say first and foremost “Praise God” for delivering me out of the gay life and giving me a new life and relationship in Christ. Now I’m not saying that I’m invulnerable to fall back or have temptations. I’m saying that I’m making a choice every day to let go of that gay life to keep following God, to live for God and walk in His ways. The flesh will always war against the spirit. The flesh will always want its lustful desires. Putting God first in my walk will resist the desires and the temptations of the flesh.
For 25 years, I have lived a gay life and was addicted and obsessed with sex which what helped contribute in my crime and coming to prison. I did not want to change because I enjoyed this life too much and coming to prison overwhelmingly fed me the gay life.
Another thing I was going after was to have a real friend with intimacy. Like the friendship between David and Jonathan you read about in the bible. Like brothers. I thought I could find that kind of friendship in a gay relationship. No one were willing to have or build an intimate friendship in any of the gay relationships I’ve had. Every one of them were “friends with benefits” and going after their own selfish desires.
I had cheap friendships and I didn’t like it because I really wanted a real friend. I saw the filthy and nasty characteristic in my life: pride, selfishness, perverted heart, self-centered, conceited, and manipulative. I was a sick-minded person and nobody in his right mind wants a sick-minded friend. That’s when I set my heart to change my old life for God, but I wouldn’t let go of the lust and desires for sex. I was addicted to it and it was very difficult in giving up my gay life. Coming to prison for the first time scared me to death. I didn’t want to get hurt in prison so I used my gay life as a tool to protect myself in gaining power where I was offered hospitality instead of hostility. For the most part lots of major prison gangs usually will not mess with the gays. They stay away from them so they can uphold their reputations.
In Fall of 2011, I walked into a bad situation where violent men extorted me for money and sex. The gay life wasn’t protecting me and I had no friends to help me. I was tormented for a month where I had enough of this abuse. I was going to use violence against these guys to end my torment. I had a well-planned out to kill one of these men who was my cellmate and I never had this thought that I was capable of taking a life. I was at rock bottom. I was in tears that night. I got on my knees to pray to God and told Him everything and how angry I was that I wanted to take vengeance in my own hands. I was faced with a choice: take vengeance that will keep me in prison for the rest of my life or I give up the old gay life and repent to God. I made the choice to surrender and repent of my old life to God. Because of my choice I made, all of my problems and my enemies who were against me left on their own accord and I was still standing.
Because God did change my life, I asked God to help me find a Christian friend and teach me how to be a friend. Within a month I found a friend who showed me the mistakes I was making in having a friend. I would get obsessed over a friend; I would work too hard to keep a friend, insecurity in losing a friend, insecurity in acceptance, and force friendships with manipulations. I almost lost a good friend because of the mistakes I was making.
Every time I bring sex into the friendships ruins the friendships and the bond is spoiled. The old gay life corrupted my way of thinking in making friends. I had to stop the manipulations, the selfishness, the obsessions to learn to love & respect myself, have a relationship in Christ, let friends come to me, and learn to listen more then I talk. And it took lots of pain and suffering and a long time to learn this, but finally I understood how to be a friend and what I have to do in having a healthy friendship. Now I have several great friendships and I give a big “Thank You!” to God and the friend (Pago) who helped me.
Nine months later, I walked into another bad situation where I befriended the wrong person who left two big debts he owned to two of the biggest gangs in the prison for me to pay. I never agreed to pay this debt. I prayed to God asking Him for help. One of the Messianic Christian brothers was around and I told him what was going on. He tried to reason with one of the members of his gang in clearing my debt, but they weren’t gonna let this debt go.
I knew a few guys who hold power over the gangs who would help me clear this debt, but most of them want personal payment in return which I’m not paying another debt. God put on my heart not to go to any of them. So I put it in God’s hands. A week later, one member of his gang summoned me to the yard so they could talk to me and about 20 members were waiting for me. I did not want to go to the yard because I knew if I didn’t pay up that I was going to get hurt and I wasn’t going to pay them anyway.
An hour later, I said to God that I’m scared, but I’m going to the yard because I’m tired of running every time problems become bigger then I can handle. I had to learn to face these problems, even though I’m scared to death of the things that could happen to me. I put all my trust, my faith in God’s Hands. If God is for me who could be against me?
When I went to the yard, one of the guys who had power over the gangs (who I despised at the time) came up to me telling me that he heard all what’s going on and that he was going to clear my debt. I said to God
“I did not ask this guy for help.”
I sat down on the bench watching 20 members of this gang waiting for me. This guy walked up to the members and said whatever he said and the gang was no longer a threat to me and went about their own way and this debt was cleared. I felt this heavy calm; this heavy weight had been lifted off of me. I couldn’t believe what just took place and how God got me out of this problem. I really saw the glory of God in this. I was amazed at what took place and how somehow I knew everything was going to be alright. That guy came up to me told me that I didn’t owe him anything for helping me. Later on that evening, the friend (Pago) who showed me how to be a friend cleared the other debt that belonged to the other gang. Now all of my debts are cleared and I didn’t get hurt.
God showed me how filthy my old life was and how it corrupted my thinking. God showed me how to put Him first in everything I do, even in the mist of trouble and walk in His ways. God showed me how to face these problems and not run from them. God gave me a new life and I learned to love and respect myself and have healthy friendships. God showed me to be careful in choosing my friends. And God showed how much He loves me that He changed my life “PRAISE GOD!”