When the man whom I had known only in my fantasies, stood right in front of me, staring into my eyes, holding me in his arms, telling me how he loved me and how I meant the world to him, I felt as if the God is smiling at me and saying-look my child, I always knew what I wanted and now I give it to you the way you wanted.
It started with me rejecting Ken’s proposal which logically seemed the most righteous thing to do, provided we barely knew each other. but I could never figure out what was making me so anxious after he was gone. A kind of anxiety I had never felt. I deeply regretted refusing his proposal even when there was no reason to.
My logic told me – ‘forget him. he’s a pervert’ and my intuition said – ‘he’s the one you always wanted by your side.’ It wasn’t long before I reconciled my brain’s logic and my heart’s intuition and decided that he’s a God’s blessing on me and I would accept him. so when I told him (through a common friend) that I was sorry for refusing to his proposal in the first place and wanted a committed relationship, to my surprise, he refused, saying that I was being a drama.
I was shaken for I realized that I just lost the guy I had always been waiting for. I became restless. he was on my mind all the waking hours of the day. I couldn’t stop praying. I have lost count of the days when I fasted to have him back. after around a fortnight of such restlessness, when my hopes had started to die down, he messaged me on a social networking site. we were having a casual chat when he told me that he refused for he couldn’t cope with the drama of a ‘no’ today, then a ‘yes’ tomorrow but was still attracted towards me. and from there began my wonderful love story.
I was in the land of my fantasies. the more I got to know him, the more he resembled my dream man. every moment spent with him felt like a living dream. I couldn’t have been happier. he was a real man – pragmatic, masculine, strong in character. I couldn’t have wished for more.
But every relationship has its own problems and so did ours, but we could always cope with them and with God’s grace, our love was growing every day. Being with him always right as if our relationship was blooming with Lord’s consent. until this one day when we had a small argument over something. such arguments weren’t infrequent but this time there was something about it. a voice in my heart told that it’s over. It’s time to set yourself and him free.
I held off from calling him because I felt offended (he ended up calling our relationship – casual) and I figured that I didn’t do him any harm. he was the one who stepped out in our relationship and on our relationship. Besides that, there was a certain kind of calm I felt after separating from him. probably because he had called it a casual relationship.
And such relationships are not acceptable by God’s standards, right? It was as if God was keeping me from him by casting a strange spell of peace on me which I had never experienced during my separation from Ken. But Ken interpreted it as my ‘attitude’. so, he never took the first step towards resolving the issue. The ‘spell of peace’ broke when I saw Ken’s pictures with another girl on his profile on a social networking site. all our friends were talking about them being together. My world had fallen apart. I couldn’t believe that the guy whom I loved so much and who had claimed to love me all this while didn’t even take 3 weeks before moving on. I could never understand how it was so easy for him to call off such a wonderful relationship.
Now I couldn’t keep myself from talking to him. I cried in front of him. I practically begged him to take me back. I apologized even when I knew it wasn’t my fault. although he told me that he wasn’t dating that other girl (which indeed was true), he stubborn at getting back with me too.
In the beginning he was harsh on me because the ‘attitude’ I had been displaying for the past 20 days had annoyed him. But when he realized how broken I was on the inside, he did mellow down. He told me what kept him from being with me again, though not clearly but I could figure out that probably this relationship was a distraction in his life. It didn’t let him focus on his career. Perhaps the commitment made him feel tied down. I truly loved him. Though I wanted to be his strength, but as I was being an obstacle in his life, I decided to walk out, for the soul reason of the happiness of my love.
Though my love seemed happy now, my heart had split into shackles. I had an emotional breakdown. I could see nothing but darkness around, not a slight ray of hope for I had tried everything I could to bring him back, but nothing seemed to have moved him. With every passing hour the clouds of gloom became dense, and I was sinking deeper into it. I couldn’t stop missing him.
The flashbacks of the time we had spent together were haunting me. I couldn’t stop wishing him back. I couldn’t stop praying. every day I would resolve in a new fast. my health was deteriorating. I prayed to God to soften Ken’s heart towards me, to remind him of the love we once shared, to make him realize how I need him and how this separation has drowned me deep into pain that I am not being able to cope with.
This phase of emotional trauma drew me nearer to God. I came across this biblical verse – Psalms 50:15 –
“Then call on me when you are in trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give me glory.”
So, I promised to God that the day he brings Ken back to my life, I shall give him glory. I shall tell the world how the great God made an intervention in my life to rescue me, and I shall make an attempt to inspire the world to lay their burden on the Lord and have faith in him.
It wasn’t long before my love called me up to tell me that he had been missing me and that we must meet again. I felt elated. I couldn’t stop thanking God. When we met, he said that he wanted to solve the issue we had been having lately and I absolutely supported him. So, he we were together again. though things didn’t change overnight but now I knew that he acknowledged his commitment towards me.
This was the time when I was supposed to complete the promise I had made to God – to give him glory. but my ignorance and negligence kept me doing that.
Now Ken’s love once again seemed distant. He wasn’t keen towards strengthening our relation. I no longer felt the love I had at one point in time. I felt like a burden, something he was being forced to drag against his willingness.
Now it’s been more than a couple of months that I heard from him. I have no words to describe my longing for him. I truly seek God’s forgiveness for not keeping my promise.
John 1:9 – if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us of our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Holding on to my faith towards that Almighty, true love for Ken and the purity of my heart, I repent for my ignorance and unrighteousness and pray that God bless me to have my love back in my life.