I am currently a senior in High School. I was never really involved in God’s world throughout my early years of my life. I’ve been to church ever since I was a baby. Born and raised into a Catholic church. I hated it to be honest. I hated mass.
Then one day the most unexpected thing happened to me. I saw a girl at school. She was beautiful. She still is to this day. She was so wonderful and I guess I went after her.
I really hated how I went after her for her looks and not for who she is. That is a mistake I will always regret. But as we talked and texted I wanted her more. She was a very different girl. She wasn’t like most girls are today. She was smart, naturally beautiful, funny, cute and overall amazing. She has a very motherly attitude. She was Christian. She was very dedicated to God. I was amazed. We talked and talked and well, I fell for her.
I’m not sure why I fell for her. She rejected me twice. Twice. I was very upset. I didn’t want to give up because well… She’s amazing. Turns out I told her my feelings WAY to soon. She was shocked. Eventually she fell for me too. I was so happy. She taught me EVERYTHING she knows about God and how to read his word. I loved it. She showed me Christian movies, the music, everything. It was amazing. I love her so much for this. Like this girl… is amazing. We’re currently not dating but were together. The reason were not dating is because we both are too busy for that but we want each other. We have 9 months together. Of course I had to ruin it…
I suffer from a pornographic addiction. Ever since I was 15 years old to this day. I hate it. It makes me feel like I’m horrible. I feel guilt because of her. I shouldn’t be doing this. I would always isolate everyone and everything from it. So it was just me and Porn. I know God sees what I’m doing. It’s destroying me inside. I only want to masturbate all the time and well I always feel sad and depressed about it. It gets worse. I would always protect this girl from any lustful intentions that I had. Always. Shes not a object. Shes a very wonderful human being. I don’t deserve her. I would always fight the urges of sexual desires of her because I want it to be at the perfect time. But the more porn I saw, the more my guard fell. I started to sexually fantasize about her. I shouldn’t be like this. She always told me to place God first in our relationship. I don’t know how. This addiction I have will destroy me.
Over time, I built a sorta good relationship with Him. I had faith. Then suddenly I lost it. I lost it all. I just think that when something happens, its just a scientific reason. I don’t think its God. I don’t feel excited anymore. I don’t even pray anymore because I don’t feel like doing so. I also feel scared this will end my relationship with her. It feels like im losing her. That my feelings are fading but I don’t want to lose this girl. Shes everything to me. But God always comes first. Always.
I just do not know what I should do right now.
I also don’t know what I feel. Yeah, I really want this girl, but do I really want to spend the rest of my life with her?I don’t know. It’s not that I want to. It doesnt feel like it. Maybe I’m just bored of our relationship since we don’t see each other often because of summer and we have strict parents. I don’t feel anything at all. I’m numb. I’m also noticing other girls and it sucks because I only want MY girl. I prayed about it but I feel like nothing is happening. There has to be a reason God put this girl in my life. She was a vessel for HIM. I cry often because it kills me of the things that can happen. Losing her. Losing the love of my life… the one person that leads me in the right path just as Jesus does.
I am aware that this is not a testimony, but its a call for help. What should I do? Is everything going to be okay?