Long before I came to know Jesus, my life was all about me. I grew up with a brother and a sister. Both my parents were working abroad when we we’re little. My mother went home once a year every year to be with us and that’s the only time we are able to go to church. Frankly before, church was an obligation. I never saw the reason why we needed to go there. My mom and dad were born Catholics and as such my mom believed in saint’s and prayed the rosary, novena and everything was very traditional and it to me was certainly boresome.
My dad however, never believed in the church and most especially with the priest because according to him they too sin and have no right whatsoever to preach God’s word. Actually, we are all sinners and to say that we haven’t sinned is a lie. We were born sinners, a fact that not everyone wants to admit or even hear. To sum everything up, we are not religious except for my mom. Fyi, being religious and having a close and intimate relationship with our creator is different. Very.
I knew Jesus Christ from school, they taught us that but they never really emphasized how important He is. They told us that we should receive Jesus in our hearts in order to be forgiven and then poof! You are good to go. I really believed that that was it! That was during our communion ceremony. I was 10 years old at that time. I went on life as usual, everything about me, never really caring about others or what I’m doing is right or wrong as long as you don’t get caught by your parents it’s okay right? Or so i thought. I got away with almost everything. My parents were there but I wasn’t really guided by anyone. I did what I wanted most of the time even if it was wrong.
It was during grade school, I was in the third grade. My dad let in a stranger from who knows where–into our home. Nobody knew him, he wasn’t even a relative. He stayed with us for a week or so. One night, he snuck into my bedroom and did horrible things. I was scarred for life and this changed me forever.
Growing up I wanted to be popular, and being popular meant drinking and being close to boys and doing things that high school girls of my age weren’t meant to be doing. I drank a lot. I went home drunk every single night. Since my mom was abroad working, my dad was left home to watch us three. He never really watched us, he was just there being a dad. He seldom scolded me for coming home late every night cause he too was coming home late at night. It even got worse. Because I was getting a reputation at school, well, I just thought I had to buy my so called friends a drink because I was getting popular, I was getting the attention I’ve always wanted. This my friends led me to steal money from my dad. I stole a lot of money. My dad was noticing a bit one day but wasn’t really mentioning the problem to us till one day I had to really push it.
I had this boyfriend that I was so blindly in love with that I’d do anything for him so I was the one who spent a lot of money on our dates; I had no reason to do that. I just wanted him to love me more and to stay with me. I was naive and too infatuated with my so called boyfriend who eventually cheated on me. Thus this problem went on to my mext boyfriend, I spent my parents hard earn cash on him, he did not know that of course. I spent so much time with my lover that I stopped going to class.
I skipped three semesters without my parents knowing, I spent my tuition on bars, drinks, dates, gimmicks and anything that I thought would make me happy. One day, I got caught, It was the moat horrible thing that happened to me and because I was full of guilt and was so ashamed, I ran away from home. What was I to expect? Of course my parents would be mad at me and also my siblings. I had nowhere to go, I was lost so I decided to stay with my boyfriend. His family didn’t really approved of me running away from home, they only accepted me because I made up stories so they would feel sorry for me and they’d let me stay. It only took me a week and then I eventually went home and was forgiven. Well, it did not take long until I had to do it again, I did not know what my problem was, I just wanted to be with friends because they were fun and then back home everything was boring to me it’s like there is no home to me.
A home is supposed to be a place you can relax and feel safe, talk to people you love. My home never felt that way to me. I ran away from home thrice that my dad got tired of me and told me he didn’t love me anymore. Then one day I jut realized I had to get my life straight, I wasn’t going anywhere. I had to finish my studies. It was then that I returned to my old life and was okay going to class. I was doing well again in a long time but during those days, something bothered me and I wasn’t feeling well. I found out that I was pregnant. My whole world collapsed in front of me.
I was stressed and i didn’t know what to do or how to tell my parents. I have caused them so much trouble already that I don’t think they could handle another bad news. But eventually I had to tell them and wished myself good-luck. I told my boyfriends’s family first. They were not happy bout it of course. I got pregnant cause we were sleeping together when I stayed with them during that time I ran away from home. We had sex and lots of it. Unprotected. It took two years. I must admit that we did do it on purpose I just didn’t want it to be that early. I was 20 and stressed. That day I told my mom about it, she shattered, she broke down on the floor crying and I thought to myself how could I have hurt someone who loves me the most. I wanted to hide and just disappear from this planet. I wanted to die. I’ve caused them so much pain.
I admitted to my mom of what happened during my third grade, that I was molested by a stranger. My mom cried and told me that it might had some unconscious effect on me. It did, I craved for sexual pleasure after that incident. I craved for lust and I hated myself for that.
I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl nine months later. Her father and I decided to separate because we were too young and it wasn’t really working out and also for practical reasons. I finished my studies after giving birth and is a Registered Medical Laboratory Scientist now. There was this one day when I became curious of this video that a Christian friend told me about. The video of Angelica Zambrano, the girl who was taken to heaven and hell and she told of what was to happen that the Lord Jesus Christ is coming soon. I cried, I was literally sobbing after watching the video, I was so afraid because I have sinned so much. I asked for forgiveness from our heavenly father after that. I prayed for guidance because I was confused, I didn’t know what to do.
It’s been four years since I saw the video. I attend Christian church now. Although I am still struggling with my self desires, I know that the Lord would always help me for I am weak. (But you must learn to endure everything, so you will be completely mature and not lacking in anything JAMES 1:4) I still fail him every single day for I am not perfect. I pray a lot and ask for forgiveness a lot. I read his Word everyday and I promised I would for the rest of my life. (Romans 8:6 If our minds are ruled by our desires, we will die. But if our minds are ruled by the Spirit, we will have life and peace.) If we have decided to follow Christ as our savior, we must die every single day for him. We will struggle every single day knowing that there are great rewards in the end. I trust his promises for me even though people persecute me for my faith. I ask the father to forgive them for they do not know what they are talking about. Not many people take to heart the message even if they do listen. So, we must pray for them.
I would definitely give up everything for him. The least I could do is to live for him when he died for me on the cross. The happiness this brings is unexplained by any word. He is the greatest. His love conquers all fears. I surrender all my worries, future ambitions, past regrets, troubles and all my hurts to him for he knows me. He will never fail me. He loves me more than I could ever imagine.
Don’t worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God. Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think and feel.
2 Chronicles 7:14