Sexual sin (especially porn/masturbation) are things that a lot of Christians are afraid to talk about when they are in it. We know it’s not good, and we often wonder how we allowed ourselves to get into it when it goes against everything we believe in. It becomes a dirty little secret (literally) and it can be hard to get free from something that you yourself are helping to hide.
This was me. Sexual sin started long before I became sexually active in college. The seeds started to be planted when I was a young girl. We all know the story – I felt rejected because my father wasn’t around very much, and so I wanted desperately to be in a relationship. That was like the ultimate goal of my life. But not only that, but I was exposed to a lot of things a young girl shouldn’t have been (not even an adult actually) – I saw a lot of raunchy music videos (including those that came on in the late night), my dad had stacks of dirty magazines that were in plain view that he did not hide when we came to visit, he had filthy photos of the girls he was dating laying around the house, every time you turn on the tv it would be on a dirty channel, etc. So my eyes were exposed to a lot of sexual immorality before I even hit age 10.
I became intrigued with this whole world so I began to explore on my own. The girls looked like they were the ones that all the guys wanted, they looked happy, and it actually made me want to be apart of it in a weird way. So as a young girl, I began to watch pornographic videos and I became even more intrigued. But, eventually – after sharing this with my friends at school – I knew what I was doing was bad, so I stopped. And this video watching thing became something I did on and off in secret until I sometime high school and I just stopped (again). Then it continued (again) once I got a boyfriend during my last year in college who was very much bound by the spirit of lust. He couldn’t go a day without pleasuring himself a couple times a day. He would constantly call and ask me to help him, and he was an avid “video watcher” so he encouraged me to join him. I didn’t really want to because I hated the dirty feeling afterward, but he was persistent (and I wanted to be a “cool girlfriend”), so I did.
But this time, for some reason, it wasn’t so easy to stop like it was all the other times. I began to get bound myself where I didn’t have control over it anymore. It was all I thought about all day, I couldn’t wait to get home so that I could watch porn and masturbate. Even long after the relationship has been over. I tried to take control over it, but to no avail – I cried out every time to God asking Him to help me stop because I knew it was disappointing to Him. He constantly provided the way of escape that I completely and utterly ignored. But getting free wasn’t very easy, as this was something I was dealing with for nearly 20 years of my life, seeing as how the immorality came in at such a young age and I didn’t know anything about deliverance or spirits of lust and things like that until I was older. When I decided to become free, I was getting attacked by the enemy in my sleep, he would hold me down some nights, and he would give me all kinds of lust-filled dreams other times. I knew this was an unclean spirit and asked God to deliver me from it. And I’m so thankful that HE did!! I dealt with the attacks for a year, but it was because I didn’t even try to overcome it, or ask for understanding or anything like that. I began to be fearful of it which is not what you want to do. God is in control, no weapon formed against me shall be able to prosper, by His stripes I am healed, put on the full armor of God, and fight that thing with the sword of the spirit! It has no choice but to go!
I thank God that He has set me free and delivered me. I pray that if anyone is dealing with anything remotely similar that you would claim and accept your deliverance that Christ has won for you over 2000 years ago. I feel like that is a silent issue because people get ashamed, but don’t be. There are so many people that have gone through the same things as you! Be encouraged! Don’t keep your testimony a secret!!