Ayyy what’s crankin’ folks? Yeah, mine is about love and relationships; one in particular that took me through A WHOOOLLLE lot to say the least.
My testimony starts years back (I’m 23 by the way). Back when I was a kid, I was generally lazy, un-motivated, sarcastic, but yet I was always intrigued by the idea of marriage/love. Watching movies like Lion King and seeing TV shows where an entire series would end in someone getting married would capture me as well. So I think its pretty safe to say I’m a sweetheart. Always have been, always will be. Apparently, God knows that (Get back to that later).
So fast-forward past middle-school, up to 9th grade. During this time, I could’ve been called a bit of a self-rascist because ALL I saw out of my fellow African-Americans was “ghetto-ness”, fighting, insulting, loudness, etc behavior. So going by this at that age, I wanted no part of any girl who even resembled those actions; namely, NO black girls. So I had a gym class (which I would voluntarily do nothing in) and due to my nerdy nature back then, I didnt have the gall to approach a girl first. So due to my infatuation with Hispanic girls, one showed an obvious interest in me, so we eventually “got-together”. Almost 5 years I spent “with her” but I was held back in HS due to my lazy ways and she got transferred to another school and graduated on time. Sometime during the close of this “relationship”, her LITTLE COUSIN, not her, told me she had another boyfriend. Instantly I bailed. I was more angry than anything else at the time. So I stayed out of her life which meant very little as she went on to have a kid and all that. During this time before my senior year, I had looked at a career in the US Navy. I dont even know why I did because I was still lazy, still didnt like direction, still unmotivated and it had nothing to do with my talent which was drawing. But yet, the idea of wearing that sailor uniform amazed me. I would look at pictures of my dad and put my head on his body in my mind and I was legitimately excited to get to the point of wearing it. At least until a recruiter came to my house and I hid so I wouldn’t have to do any actual work or exercise in boot camp. (More on the Navy later).
So towards the end of MY 5 year HS time, there was a white girl I was interested in (for the wrong reasons of course) and she was the first girl I actually pursued, being the nerd I was. After almost HALF my senior year, I had to try to win her over. We eventually “got together” and we even graduated together. 3 weeks that relationship lasted. There was no hard feelings towards each other; we just fizzled out.
On to college. By the time I graduated HS, my love for drawing was sucked completely dry by teachers, friends, parents, etc. constantly dictating me that if I don’t have a career in art, I’m an idiot. I was being told what to draw, and when to draw. But for some reason I went ahead to a vocational type of school for art. I didnt even want to go to ANY school after HS was over. I just wanted to work and have some money like everyone else. There was a girl; who was black (WHAT?!) and kind of heavy. Everything I was against in middle school and high school. She was with one of the friends I made in college and he obviously wasn’t happy with her. But due to my then retarded, ignorant mind back then, I would tell him, “why so miserable? You get to (do the nasty) whenevr you want! She keeps throwing it at you and you’re not happy?” Man, was I stupid. She would insult me everytime she saw me and I would HAPPILY return the favor. They broke up, and yet she would still hang around us when we all would ride the train home everyday. She eventually added me on MySpace. While I was confused, I talked to her anyway and she said “I like you”.
Thinking with something that obviously wasn’t my brain or feeling with my heart, I said yes to the offers. All of them. I now know why my friend was so miserable. Any “actions” she did had an ulterior motive (kids too soon), she was very clingy, almost stalker-ish, and very annoying in general. I had to get out of that one, or the only reason we’d ever talk after marriage would be about “intimacy”. After I broke it off, she would still continue with the random visits to my house, 4:30 AM phone calls literally 5 minutes apart, and repeated questions of can we get back together. I had to dodge her every time I went to classes. But I was kicked out of that school for MORE laziness. Which brings us to the girl that had a hand in changing me and bringing me closer to God.
I was broke, so I got this job at an indoor amusement park. Initially, I was reserved and quiet (like I was in elementary and middle school) because my co-workers were in my eyes, immature, promiscuous, and just stupid all together in my opinion. I was trying to stand out in the job by going above and beyond for the management and customers. After a year of not getting noticed for it, I fell into that crowd of “idiots” I couldn’t stand at first. Everything that you aren’t supposed to do while at work, WE DID. We drank, smoked marijuana, hid from customers, and generally did not care about our jobs. The only thing I DIDN’T do was the sex thing. I have never had a “one-night stand” in my 23 years of life and I wasnt about to start there to impress co-workers who were younger than me. So the males ones would crack jokes about me never having girls come in to visit me or how I wouldn’t try to get a girl’s phone number while on the clock. This didn’t bother me because I wanted a girlfriend. So one day, while on break, cup full of vodka, I went to another store in that mall where a friend of mine worked and I was just bringing her some drink as well to get her through her work day. During the light convo, she just stopped and looked at me and asked if I had a girlfriend. Stunned, I said no, thinking is she about to ask me out? (She was Hispanic, so I would’ve been very enthusiastic to say yes). She gave me her cell phone and told me to put a number of her friend’s in my phone. This is how I know it was different from the beginning because I would NEVER respond to a “hook-up/blind date” arrangement ever. Back in the day I would delete the number as soon as I left the person who gave it to me. I texted her, and she was already told of my existence by the Hispanic girl. So I just kept it going until my phone was cut off. I let it go. In my head I was just like “what’s the point? I dont even know what she looks like or sounds like or how she is as a person. No biggie.”
So I just carried on working at that stupid 2 day a week job. Getting high, getting tipsy, and being the only way I knew how. Lazy. So one day on Facebook, the Hispanic match-maker sent me a post on my wall asking what time I work so her and her niece could get on some rides and play some games for free. I told her, expecting it to only be her and her niece. The day came, and surely the two of them walked in…but there was a 3rd person. The girl who I had been texting with a month before. I didn’t know this then, but I was staring at the woman who I would eventually want to marry and she would change me in a major way. They got on some rides operated by me and I could not stop taking glances at this third person. So when it came time for them to leave, the Hispanic match-maker friend just out of nowhere introduces us. I was instantly blown away. I was texting HER?!! She’s gorgeous! But then the self-conscious nerdy side came out because I could barely utter a word when she complimented how “cute in my green I looked”. (Green’s my favorite color by the way). I gave her a casual salute and a light smile and she did the same. I found her on MySpace later that week and we picked the talking back up again. Home numbers were exchanged and eventually we were a couple. I had a girlfriend again. I was in Earthly bliss.
Next day at work, she came to see me during my shift. I was miserable before that. I was threatened by a customer, I was completely forgot about as far as getting a break was concerned, and the weed I smoked hours before effects wore off. I was highly miffed. Then I saw her looking around the park for me. Then she finally spotted me and came to the ride I was doing. I was instantly happy. She was even standing at the controls of the ride I was doing with me. But that first kiss…..that first kiss was MAGICAL. We both stated it felt like we were together for YEARS with how comfortable we were around each other. I wasn’t used to that as before I would wait atleast 2 weeks before I’d even kiss the girl I was with at the time. But not her. ANOTHER DIFFERENCE. I didn’t want to leave her at the end of the work day. But alas, as humans, things happen.
Problems started. The more we talked, the more about her very dark past was revealed to me. I thought MINE was…mine didn’t hold a candle. But I couldn’t just up and leave even though I would’ve had it not been a relationship forged by God. Over time she began to tell me she felt like she was losing herself and she was telling me to leave before she hurt me. I thought nothing of it, and reassured her I was there for her. Oh if only I wasn’t so naive and blinded by love. She cheated on me after visiting an ex. She asked me before if I had trusted her to go to an exes house. Me trying not to be like another one of her exes, I said yes and told her to go on about her business. Oh how naive I was. She told me over Facebook and normally if I was told that by a girl I was with, the phrase “Kill Yourself” would’ve been my response. But I was frozen in my chair. Stunned. Heartbroken. But there was a feeling that wouldn’t let me type in the evil comment or even think to say that to her EVEN after what she did. We talked by phone the same night and once again I said we’ll work through it. I thought the worst was over. Wrong again.
It took a wee bit of time, but we would talk about what needed to change and where we both were coming from in regards to the relationship as a whole. She expected me to pierce her with an evil comment but when I didnt, her world was flipped upside down. She began proclaiming that I was what love was. I was too flattered but I guess God/Jesus wasn’t havin’ that. Then the whackness really started to kick in. I started to trust her less even after I told myself I was over it, resentment and negativity started bubbling way over the top. Disagreements that we had joked about in the very beginning started becoming real issues. My laziness, her pre-occupation with sexual things (songs, movies, etc) started to worry me, as well as both of our stubborn natures to not abandon how we were comfortable living. I was always a Christian, but I was more of a talker and not a do-er. Because of her previous experiences with her family, friends, exes, life, she would often say things that were almost Atheistic, and it would bother me, just as when we would talk about goals and stuff, my LACK of a goal or motivation bothered her. So one day, she broke it off yet again.
This time it was because I didn’t have a goal or motivation. In my head I’m like “What?! You skank!” I broke my principles and forgave her when she did the lowest possible thing to me just to get rid of me and “find herself” and I get the axe?! I had lost my job, my dad lost his job and thus NOBODY in my house was working (STILL), and on top of a crappy economy, I get dumped for a stupid reason like that? I was heated…but that anger eventually blended with depression. I hated seeing that mall I used to work in where we met or taking buses we used to take or going places we used to go. Painful memories indeed.
I lost sleep (which I never do) over her. I hated every song I would play that would “dedicate” to me. I hated the idea of knowing that she was alive even. So during the crying, drinking, weed usage and anger, I made the decision to do that “last resort” I used to make fun of in HS and I said I’d never try again; the US Navy. I was just driven by anger and hatred for her that I was willing to break my chronic laziness to make sure I never ran into her or any new man she may be with ever again. I was never so motivated to do anything in my life. But even after this, her birthday came. Here 18th birthday. We had talked so much about about all that was going to take place on that day, and when she was celebrating it without me, I was done…I reached the lowest point I ever was in life. I went out to my back porch for a cigarette to calm me down, and it didnt work. I came so close to the edge of blind rage, until I just dropped down in tears and cried out to God. I just wanted a sign; ANY sign that there was a woman for me to love. That there was that someone I’ve wanted since elementary school. Someone who’d marry me later on in life.
Suddenly, I couldn’t cry anymore. I even tried to force the tears to come out. But they wouldn’t. I got up feeling a new kind of peace. Later on, I was on the computer when my phone rang. It was her. But she was in tears. I asked what her problem was, and she could barely utter out any word before she hung up. I smiled… thinking was that the sign? Of course I didn’t believe it fully. But she called again later that night. We talked for a little while. Still a tiny bit of anger left towards her, but we talked. She asked how I’d been….great question, right? I told her how I’d been and what I wanted to do with the Navy. She didn’t like it, but for some reason she supported me. I explained that I didn’t wanna finally have a goal and have no one to share anything with and she said “I dont think you’ll have to worry about that”. Still wary, I took it for what it was. It took a while for us to get “back together” because of what she was going through.
Her father had recently passed away as well as other things. She just couldn’t tell me at the time and used that “goal” thing as a cover pretty much. We weren’t together, but she would call me to hang out with her, I’ve been in her house, met her brother, sister and did regular couple stuff. ANOTHER principle broken of mine. I would NEVER hang out with or ever acknowledge an ex, but there something to her. We both stated long before how we felt that we were led together by God. Sadly, if that was looked at more often then it was, it would’ve been so much more time-saving and emotion-sparing. I never forced getting back together but she knew I wanted more than anything to be with her again. We were already acting like a couple; how far off is ACTUALLY saying it? Every time we’d try to patch it up on out own accord, negative thoughts would get to running and it would be broken off again, and again. My anger towards her just became a slight irritation what with the repeated break-ups, and the fact that she would ask me constantly
“What are you thinking?”
She knows I was a generally nonchalant, negative thinking person but yet insisted on asking me that ALL THE TIME. I wouldn’t want to tell her because it was always negative. Either about her cheating while I’m at boot camp, or something involving my family situation. So she broke it off again because she “couldn’t deal with that in her life right now and we were meant to be friends”. Really? Anyhoo, before all that, I looked at what I’d be getting into joining the Navy. I’d have this “sanctuary” for me and my wife, my self-image problem would improve as I was always small for my age and boot camp would probably fix it, laziness, finances, confidence, direction and honor. Which told me that maybe I was supposed to do this all along. I HAD to “deny myself”. Reading this in scriptures and other testimonies gave me that feeling of peace again and no doubt strengthened my faith in Christ.
Aside from the Navy, I went back an analyzed everything that happend in tha relationship and the good that came out of it. I learned forgiveness, holding my tongue, faith, and what repentance is. As I mentioned before, I liked altering my consciousness and I was forced into a situation where I HAD no choice but to repent with the Navy. No drugs, no laziness and putting foot to your claim of faith. Since the beginning there have been sings that tell me she can’t be just a friend or she’s just another ex.
We met differently, we BOTH weren’t looking for a partner at the time, things we’ve spoken have actually taken place, we both forgave things we would never have in previous relationships, I called out to God and he answered through her, we both felt like we were led to each other, God has even played ANY role in this, and things spoken about future events line up with present ones and my mother AND brother who both have images or precognitions about me and her in a family setting.
There was a time when I first asked my friend to bring her over to my house as she wanted to hang out with me and my friends. She and my mother have both been through the same things in life and when I saw them hugging for the first time, the thought ran through my head that “if we’re gonna be married, they’ll probably have a heart-to-heart about life since they can relate to each other in some ways”. Then months later, she told me over the phone that she had a weird feeling that she and my mother would have a long talk one day, but I wouldn’t be there to see or hear it. So after the last break-up, I started piecing together that among other things, and I asked “what could possibly have me away from home, but she comes over long enough to talk to my mother?”. Then it hit me: Navy.
Which would probably explain why I believe God is working on the both of us. I remember, my bro and mom told me they saw me wearing all white in their images a few times long before I blindly decided to join the Navy. Now I know this was obviously a white sailor’s uniform. So I was putting forward the effort to leave in a month where they have the white ones and not the Navy blue uniforms. I did this from April to May. I had a strong feeling I would leave for boot camp in June, and I got a startling call from my recruiter asking if I wanted to leave IN JUNE. I was elated! God heard me! My happiness with God was so great that they day after, when my ex broke up with me again, it bothered me not at all. No tears, no anger, no drinks, no drugs, nothing. I have gotten numerous other signs (or atleast I believe they are signs) from God about her and I am still in the discerning stages. But I never lose the faith I have that we will be together again, but in Christ. She’s one of those stubborn “I’m living for me” type of people who do what they are used to doing no matter how many consequences they suffer through.
In all that’s happened, I realized God was conditioning me. With the forgiveness, laziness, motivation, faith, trust, etc. It was terrible to me then, but it was all meant for my own good. And soon it will be hers. Even if she has to make a “brief return to her old life (a jerky guy)” before she can’t take anymore and accept that God is real, she is NOT in as much control as she thinks and there’s me and a God who love her and want to show it.
My Christian walk has been improved by MILES from where I was. I’m glad he put me in a place where I had to deny myself and my “normal” ways through her and the Navy, because they are integral parts of what got my faith in Jesus Christ to where it is now. I study scripture almost everyday, discern, think positively now, drug free, and I love where He’s going to take me, as well as her and the child we will have. Praise God!
I know it was alot of reading and I’m sorry if I bored any of ya’ll to death, but I have to tell my story to other’s who can relate. God bless you all!