Honestly as I’m writing this really just no words just tears nothing can describe what my Abba Father, my first love since my mother’s womb who showed me a lot of mercy and grace and stayed with me during my dark and hardest times living in sin/carnally, watching and exposing myself porn from 8-18 years old, battling with suicide/suicidal tendencies from 13-18 years and broken relationships with guys who didn’t care about me and just liked my body. And easily taken advantage of because I was naive and was looking for love in wrong places and doing things backwards.
So, how I came to know Christ was when I was younger. I went to church, but I never knew God for myself. And even though my family were Christian, and my dad was a deacon in a church, I still didn’t know God for myself. So, I was living in darkness while watching and exposing myself to porn from 8-18 years old I watched and exposed myself to pornography/sexual perversion which led to an addiction to pornography as well for 10 years. Later on 7th going to 8th grade battled with suicidal thoughts and suicidal tendencies, ended up got diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13 because at that point I was just over life.
So the doctors placed me in a behavioral/mental hospital and then things started to get worse because I was in such bad mood, all the time and started to talking to men online, being promiscuous and have relationships with guys and talking sexually/pleasing them over the phone because I was trying to fill a void in my heart to heal myself since I didn’t have my dad around as much and because I wanted to be loved by a guy.
But I never had sex with them so during that time didn’t realize at the time it wasn’t love. Instead, it was just lust and me taking nude pictures sending it to them to keep them happy with me and dressing promiscuous at times just to get loved by someone mostly from guys which lead them to love and using my body more than me. And leading up to freshman year of college where I got out of a bad lustful relationship lasted for about 1 year and 8 months before college.
So, I did send nudes again, but it turned out for the worst when a girl who I thought was my friend ended up taking over my IG account and leaking my nudes to people I knew. During that time, I just wanted to disappear from the world because I didn’t want to deal with that situation and during that time still on dating apps tinder, wizz and hinge at 18.
Fast forward spring break 2023 when I wanted a relationship with God when I was out of college for months because of issues which lead to poor grades and I was so tired of living for the world, very heartbroken truly because I just wanted to be loved by someone and be married one day and not happy in the world because I kept getting taking advantage of by others.
So that day change my life for the better truly because I decided from my heart to devote myself to the Lord only and have that relationship with Him. So I first cut off all my secular music from my life and stopped cussing completely and then started being in my word more daily, started doing the Bible study with others and on my own mostly with the Lord and then started to listen to sermons as well which led up to me giving my life to Christ in May of 2023.
All I can say is GOD DID because 7 months now living for the Father this year knowing soon, I will make it to whole year in this summer of being saved. And now I’m in 2nd semester of med school and continuing daily devoting and dying to myself daily to the Lord / serving Him as now I’m able by the help of the Lord by my side and using me as his vessel to help, love, encourage and bring peace and mentor those who started in their walk with Christ and despite the challenges that came my way.
With my walk I’m very thankful that God gives me strength to continue in this journey and continue working with me daily knowing that I’m now 20 into this new era of adulthood still walking with God this new year being completely set free and healed from past emotional hurts, the addiction to pornography (clean for about a year),my old promiscuous ways, being naïve and letting people walk all over me. And God teaching me how to love Him and myself to the point where I’m okay with being alone with God along with setting boundaries and healed by the power of The Holy Spirit and delivered from spirit of pride, control, negative thoughts, lust (porn and sexual perversion) anxiety, depression, doubt, fear, anger, unforgiveness, suicidal thoughts and deception and daily just very grateful to the Lord for delivering me from all these things that were holding me bondage and helped me be an overcomer of suicide.
I pray that the Holy Spirit touches your heart as you read this to let others know that Christ can heal you of your issues if you surrender to Him and give Him your heart today.