In April of 2017 I started a relationship with someone I have known since I was 14 years old, I thought I truly loved him, this relationship was just the beginning of a terrible nightmare, the beginning of my whole world being turned upside down, everything was good for the first month, the bad thing is we were using drugs together nothing about that lifestyle was worth what I’ve had to go through, I thought I loved him, I thought I could change him but I was wrong; it got to the point we were both using every day.
I would try so hard not to do it but it was there, that was the evil in the drug. It would eat at me, I started falling away from God more, falling away from my family more, my relationship with my mother started fading. I’ve always had a very close relationship with my mother. The drug started doing what it does best. It started pulling me away from my family, it started making me be less of a mother, I got to the point, instead of cooking meals every night I would fix something quick to rush them off to bed so I could finish cleaning or whatever it was that I was doing when I was high.
I would stay up for two to three days at a time, I would have to try and find more so I could try to keep from having what people call a come down. It was by far the worst feeling. My relationship was terrible the first time he hit me it kind of shocked me, I wasn’t expecting it not one bit, I just went along and brushed it off and thought to myself he didn’t mean to, thinking to myself he’s just drunk, and after that first time you always hear if they do it once they will do it again, well its very true! That first time turned into a second time a third time.
One of the first times he abused me one of the worst times would have to be when we were at my house one night and he started accusing me of stealing his money and his drugs, he had a way of always thinking I was against him and that once again is something the drug does. He would always say to me just tell me the truth until it eventually got to the point, we’re he would hit me or shove me against a wall or choke me until I almost passed out, at this time we had both been up on drugs for about three days and that morning around 5 am he finally gave up and went to sleep.
My mom came to my house that day she just so happened to take off work. My 5-year-old son came running in my room around 11 am and said mommy! Nanny is here, at that moment my heart sunk because I knew she was going to see the bruises on my face and neck, I stood at the refrigerator door and she said Lindsay, I turned around and she saw the bruise, she said has he been hitting you again? I deny it like always, of course I didn’t want my mother knowing he was abusing me. I’m her daughter not only am I her daughter I’m her baby.
That day my mom kicked him out I felt like the worst person in the world, I felt like I was neglecting my kids. In all honesty I was, things had really gotten bad at this point, I ended up leaving with him because I thought the whole world revolved around him, he had the hold on me of evil, I felt like I was running a close race with Satan. We left and continued doing drugs after a while of begging and promising my mother things had changed, she let him come back I knew in my heart he hadn’t but like I said I always felt like I was going to be able to change him, things went well for a couple of weeks as they always did. We stopped using drugs for a short while things were perfect between us.
Then before I knew it, we were back doing the same thing. But this time it got even worse. It got to point he would constantly watch me thinking I was doing something or somehow, he thought I was cheating on him. This time when he put his hands on me it was worse, not to mention almost every time he hit me either my twin girls saw it or my 5-year-old. This time it was my twin girls.
He choked me out in my kitchen floor. I was out cold. I woke up to my baby girls screaming and crying and him standing at the kitchen sink putting water in a cup laughing and saying mean things I can’t really recall what they were. It was one of the scariest times he left me and my girls there scared to death.
We separated once again for about two to three weeks, the thought came back once again satan snuck up on me, I got back with him, wanted to try things once again, expecting a different outcome, every time it always got that much worse before I knew it. It was back to the same thing doing drugs with him and the beatings just got worse, not only did the beatings get worse my baby girls were there to witness it once again.
Our relationship had gotten really rocky. The night before the really bad beating happened, I had taken him to his ex’s house because I had enough, we had once again been up for days on drugs, he was accusing me of cheating on him while he had been in jail a few weeks prior to this, which could have never happened.
I dropped him off there and left hoping to be done for good but no I wasn’t the next morning he showed up at my house and he had at this point shoved me down in the floor and telling me if I wanted to be with him I needed to follow him and his ex to the store and then we needed to go to Walmart so I could return some stuff he had stolen so he could up money to buy his drugs.
I told him no I was done with all of it. Being me, I got me and the twins in the van and did as he asked, he got in the van with us and drove us to Walmart, his plan didn’t work out so he got mad and took it out on me. He drove us back to where his ex lived at this point, he had already started hitting me I got out there and begged her to make him stay there. I had the worst gut feeling in the world I knew something bad was going to happen and I kept telling myself this was it, if he kills me today it was my time, I was ready to go by this time.
I was tired of hurting I was tired of hurting my family. I was tired of hurting my kids. I was tired of feeling like I was drowning like I couldn’t keep my head above water, he got back in the van and was acting crazy saying he was going to fight someone, that if he didn’t, he was going to kill me or hurt me really bad. I begged him to calm down to please just stop he tried wrecking us he ran us off in a ditch and we somehow managed to get out. We made it to a store and I got out with my cell phone and was going to try and call someone to come and get me and the girls and he got out and followed me around the store hollering my name really loud.
So, I went back to the van he got in a drove us down the road, and I was so tired of it I swung and hit him, and he said are you ready for yours now and he hit me three times in the side of the face with his fist. We made it to his friend’s house we’re he gets out talking to them and dares me to get out he told them he slammed on the brakes and I hit my mouth that’s why I was bleeding, he gets back in and drives us to his aunts were he once again dares me to get out, but I did anyways and he came running at me and shoved me down and told me to get back in or he was about to kill me, we pull out to leave and that gut feeling started getting worse I have what felt like a million knots in my stomach at the end of this dirt road he stops he looks at me and says,
“Lindsay I want you to tell me the truth right now about everything or I’m about to kill you.”
So, my heart starts beating really fast I made the mistake of climbing to the back of my van. He climbs back there with me, and this is where it got really bad. I said,
“I have told you the truth, what am I supposed to do lie?”
He just started hitting me, he hit me every time I would say something, looking at him felt like I was staring satan right in the eyes, his eyes were black he hit me at least twenty times in the side of the face then he shoves me down in the floor board and starts stomping on my back and head the whole time I just kept saying take me lord if it’s my time i’m ready I was staring death right in the face, he jerked my rearview mirror off and starts beating me with it my girls were so scared and terrified and there was nothing I could do.
I finally started praying,
“Lord please make him stop. I can’t take this anymore. Please Lord, please.”
After about two minutes of me praying a car started coming down the road and that’s when I knew God was protecting me, he stopped he climbed to the front of the van and he said to me you have two choices, you can either sit back there and shut up until I get to where I need to go or when I get to this store. You can get out so when we get to the store, I do what any mother would do.
I wait until he goes in and I quickly unbuckled the twins and got out and got them out, and started walking towards the store and he was coming out and he just starts hollering my name, and I keep walking he gets in my van and leaves I walk in the store in complete shock the man behind the counter was just looking at me, I asked to use the phone to call my mother, I let her know what happened, a man that was checking out calls 911 and starts asking me a whole bunch of questions.
I waited on the ambulance to get there; I was transported to the hospital. My babies had to be left there to wait on my mom with some of the paramedics and police officers. At this time dhr was called and that’s how they got involved, I never in my life would have thought I’d say I was thankful for them getting involved I am very thankful.
I arrived at the hospital we’re I was still in shock, I had x-rays done and a cat scan. I only had a broken cheek bone and part of my nose was fractured, I’m very blessed it wasn’t anything worse. I waited on my mom to get there to pick me up, she walks in the room and with her was my baby girls and a dhr worker, he gave us a safety plan and that was to stay with my mom, and that was fine at this time I never in a million years thought I’d go back to this evil man, but it wasn’t but about a week later I started talking to him again he even got to see my face and the damage he done, he may have said he felt bad but he didn’t we started talking and I would have to sneak and see him, I finally got tired of this and told my mom I was going to be with him weather anyone liked it or not.
She told me I don’t care what you do but these girls will stay with me and she was just protecting my babies and at the time I didn’t see it as that, I made the mistake of leaving and deciding I was going to be with him. I told my mom I wanted to figure things out for myself I wanted to try and make a living on my own, so I took off to stay with him, which he had no were to live we were living with his aunt some or with whoever would let us stay.
After about three weeks to a month of living with hardly nothing to eat, no way to go because my vehicle was messed up, every day I was given reasons to leave but I just kept being stubborn and staying finally one day he hit me once again after promising me he would never do it again, that was it I left I finally had enough of it. I was tired of giving everything to a selfish person I gave up basically my whole life just to be done so wrong. I left we talked some here and there but didn’t see him again.
About three weeks later I went to a doctor’s appointment to do a substance abuse assessment and little did I know this was the beginning of god doing his amazing work in my life, the assessment determined that I needed inpatient treatment (rehab) which I agreed to do, that following monday I was on my way to Tuscaloosa to begin my twenty-eight day inpatient treatment, when I first arrived at Indian Rivers in Tuscaloosa I was very nervous, nervous about leaving my kids.
As I sat there and waited I just started talking to god and asking him to help me through this and give me the strength I needed to get through it, around eleven a.m. that morning one of the staff members from a woman’s place arrived to pick me and one of the other girls up that was there, we were on our way to the rehab and I just had a peaceful feeling come over me and at that moment I knew god was with me, we got there and of course I was kind of nervous I was about to meet 13 girls I was going to be spending the next month with, the blessing a woman’s place has and had on my life is amazing!
I learned so many things my relationship with God became even stronger, I started getting to know the girls there and I became really close to a few of them, we would go to meetings every day and church on Sundays at a church in Tuscaloosa that we called tcat, I would pray every day several times a day for God to continue his amazing work in my life.
I remember my mother always telling me to resist Satan in the name of Jesus anytime I felt him trying to creep up on me and that’s exactly what I would do. I would ask God to help take the feelings I had away for Charlie, every day that passed the feelings faded more and more, he would cross my mind, but it was never me missing him, and that’s when I would usually resist Satan because I knew it was Satan trying to sneak up on me.
A few times while being in there we had groups that brought up terrible memories of my horrific past I would start feeling very anxious and short of breath anytime I would try and talk about it. I explained these feelings to our therapist and she said that’s definitely trauma I’m dealing with she encouraged me to talk about it more so that it wouldn’t affect me so bad, with gods help I know that I will easily be able to talk about it, without feeling the terrible feelings I feel, even writing this I feel those feelings but I know God is calling me to do this.
I’m praying this helps someone that’s in my situation one day, this is my reason for doing this. On January 8th, 2018, I graduated from a woman’s place. It was the best feeling. I had accomplished something very good for the first time in a very long time, I did this not only for myself but for my kids as well, I left and was headed back home, I had this happy but overwhelming feeling in my chest I was nervous to be getting back out into the real world, on the way home we stopped by dhr and talked with my worker she seemed very happy for me and she could tell I was doing much better, I felt as if I had really made them proud, and it was a great feeling.
We headed home, and I continued to pray and see God working in my life I seen doors being shut so better ones could be opened, started going to church every Sunday morning and Sunday night I was excited to be in church every Sunday, my faith continued to stay strong, and I continued to stay positive, on Thursday January 18th. God poured another blessing upon me, my dhr worker came by to visit me and we talked she informed me that at the beginning of February they were going to end my supervised visitation as long as I kept doing well. She also informed me that as long as everything continued going, good they were closing my case in March. At that moment I felt like I had actually done something right. We have such an amazing God as long as we put our faith and trust in him he will bless us more than we could ever imagine.
I have turned my life completely over to God and he has blessed me in so many ways. I’m working for Jesus Christ. I’m keeping my faith in him and I’m keeping my positive attitude, Jesus has protected me through the worst nightmares in life. Why wouldn’t I live for him? I continue to go to church, I’ve had so much experience from falling away from God so many times. It always begins with me not going to church and God is always right there waiting on me with his arms open.
I will continue to pray that this helps a broken woman like I was one day, I want to be a light for women that are abused or even fallen into addiction, it’s a very scary place to be, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy it’s the scariest, darkest place to be. Satan had a grip on my life, but my wonderful Jesus Christ has been here for me through it all.