You Do Not Understand What I am Doing Now

…but soon you will.

My name is Des and I am 16 years old.

From birth, God has been evident in my life. I was born on May 27, my due date, but I was not supposed to live. My mother had gone into false labor two weeks before I was delivered into this world meaning, her body had thought I was already born two weeks before I actually was, I had not been taken care of in the womb. I was born at 1:18 in the afternoon barely weighing 5 ounces and blue to the face. My dad tells me that it took over a minute to get me breathing-makes me realize why I am such a good swimmer now.

I wasn’t able to come home from the hospital for four days and my two brothers were afraid they would break me if they held me. From then on, I have grown up in church, putting on a dress and nice fluffy white socks every Sunday morning and sitting in nursery. Well, when I was three years old our church split and we stopped going.

Around when I was five, my mom was pregnant with my sister, my dad went C.R.A.Z.Y. He was a drunk. I remember only bits and pieces of this time, but it is more than I want to. I remember walking in my dad’s room to say goodnight and seeing him passed out in front of the shower or waking up at 6 in the morning hearing my mom scream,

“Don’t you dare touch me”.

We would hide from him as a family, and even when my sister was weeks old, we had to block the doors and lock them to keep us safe. My oldest brother had enough of it and left us. It was a bad time in my household. Well, God is good my friend. As time progressed our family got closer and closer.

Life wasn’t perfect after that. It only got harder in some areas. In first grade my mom was pregnant with my other sister. My parents worried day by day by day how we could afford another baby. We got phone calls and mail letters daily saying we had “x” number of days before we had to either leave our house or pay a lot of money. It was scary. I remember giving my mom my little money I had and I wish I could do more. But again, God is so good. My dad found another job and got us steady on our feet.

When I reached fourth grade, I was invited to church for the first time since I was little. I didn’t want to go because of the memories and seeing on TV, it looked boring. But I went. GHBC VBS. Little did I know, that is where my family is. After only two night of VBS I came home and prayed beside my momma’s bed to ask for my salvation. It was something I knew I had to do unless I wanted to burn in hell but didn’t fully understand at the time.

I pulled my family into this church after VBS ended. We were there every time the doors were open at least 3 times a week. At the age of 11, like every other pre-teen, I began to go less and less to church. I had reached middle school, the “cool” age. I was trying hard to fit in. I was rejected by many and sadly only became friends with the “Not so good” people.

By the age of 12 and 13 I was partying. I was introduced to alcohol and how free it made you feel. I felt away from all the negativity and free from all the bullying etc. Well, one night I was at church with my family, and I kid who was a lot older than me turned around to ask me to go get ice cream with him after church, I recognized him from a party a while back, so I asked my mom and she said yes.

To say the least, I was raped. I still have nightmares to this day about it. I didn’t know how to react, so I never told my parents, I just fell deep into depression. I felt like I was not worth anything, and that I was unworthy. I completely left God in this situation, but I didn’t care at the time.

I quit drinking, but I fell into pornography. I just wanted something to make myself feel good. Depression only worsened. I began to cut myself. I remember crying myself to sleep every night and going to church once every 2 months instead of three times a week now. All this lasted until I was 15.

At the age of 15 I went to our annual church camp. It was there that I realized who I was in Christ, what it meant to be a Christian and how to be a follower of Jesus. I also met this boy there. He was as sold out for Jesus, as I was. We began to talk, and we would pray together and in my eyes, we were the perfect God centered relationship.

As time progressed, I realized that I wasn’t God centered but centered around ‘Us’ we got caught up in the world and we did stuff we shouldn’t have. I remember crying out to God, knowing it wasn’t right but continuing to do so, and God gave me a wakeup call by letting my parents find out about everything. Of course, I found my way back and was fired up for God again, but I still felt like he was punishing me.

Depression began to set back in. I began to cut myself again. And realized that I wanted to be “Someone”. I wanted to be worth someone’s attention. I felt my family hated me and that everyone else ignored me. My ex-boyfriend was ripped outta my life and who I thought I fell in love with was to never speak to me again. So, I wanted to get back at my family mainly.

I found my worth in boys. I did A LOT of stuff to multiple guys I shouldn’t’ve. I was lying and sneaking around to my parents, skipping soccer practices, etc. I was not myself. I dated a lot of boys, sent naked pictures, etc. But all this did was make me feel more worthless. Depression was hard and multiple times I thought about what it would be like to be with Jesus again. To just die.

3 months ago, I told someone everything. I needed the help. I told God. I poured my heart and he bound up all my wounds, lemme tell you God is good all the time, and all the time God is good. He never gives us something we can’t handle, it just takes faith to get through the storm.

Satan pulls at us, but at the sound of Jesus he flees. I live for God now, let my scars be a constant reminder of how strong my God is and to let me know how forgiven I am. It’s hard daily and many temptations come my way, but I have a God who protects me.