Why God?

My year started out with a nightmare this year. I woke up in the wee hours of the morning to the voice of God telling me to check my husbands phone. Upon doing so I found out that he had been living two lives for TWO years. We have been married almost 8 years and have 2 young children 4 and under. We dated 8 years before getting married (I saved myself for marriage, he did not).

Well, this morning brought destruction as it was revealed to me that not only did my “Christian husband” have an affair (and was currently in one) for TWO years both emotionally and sexually, but that they had conceived a child just a month after our second child was born over a year ago and they had aborted it. I looked through the call log on the phone and he was talking to her at least 20x per day. Here I am, a mother who sacrificed her career almost 4 years ago to stay home and raise our children and here he is off having a second life? My world tore apart. We have since begun seeing a Christian counselor and have separated, but I see NO remorse, just a simple “sorry.”

He wants to get back together but although I know I am commanded by God to forgive him, how do I ever “accept” the leftovers? He gave this woman EVERYTHING of him. There is NOTHING to give me he hasn’t give her (emotionally, physically, conceiving a child). All the while lying to me. I had even asked him several times these past two years about an affair and he said, “On the lives of our children I am NOT having an affair.” Even the night before I found out he said, “I would NEVER do anything to mess up what we have.” Then as I went to bed that night he went to his mistress on the phone (according to his call log). I just woke up during these wee hours of the morning crying before God “WHY? WHY?” I KNOW I serve a living God. I know I serve a God of MIRACLES, but the pain is SO much to bear…how do I survive? If I knew I could have my kids 100% I would just leave and say good riddance to him, but I want SO badly for 1) God to be glorified in my life and 2) for my children to come to know God as their personal Lord and Savior.

I feel so trapped. How do I heal? I am heavily in God’s word and still feel so much pain. Oh God take this pain! Hear my prayer, my cry for help. Rescue me from this hell. And all the while may YOU be glorified!!

10 Comments

  1. Tash 2/18/2012
  2. Zoe_Selah 2/22/2012
  3. Teen 2/24/2012
  4. Christina 2/26/2012
  5. Belle 3/10/2012
  6. Kate 3/10/2012
  7. Mary Korah 3/23/2012
  8. Hyacinth 3/29/2012
  9. Dannie 4/13/2012
  10. Christina 5/19/2012

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