I have been feeling compelled to share what I suspect is going to be a long journey to the lord. I do not have any christian friends and I am just not ready to share with people I know. Instead, I will share the start of testimony with people who will most likey understand where I am at currently.
I have been to church off and on through out my life I am currently 36 years old. I am married to wonderful man and we have an amazing son together. My life has been content and generally unturbulent. Our life (as in my family) has been void of jesus. I removed him from life, I had come to the conclusion that I was too intelligent for faith and too cool for church. I have always known deep down that jesus is real, I chose for reasons still unbenounced to me to keep him as far from my life as possible. The last couple months have been different. The lord has been all around me, challenging me and tapping my shoulder, no matter how many times I have tried to brush his hand away. A couple weeks ago I started speaking to the lord in private. I told him that I want him in my life, but I am done with the church community and thats just the way it is! I had met to many christians who were not nice people, only judgers and hypocrites. I felt he understood.
It was the day after our little conversation that I learned that a woman I work with who I like very much, was a christian and was a member of a local church. This suprised me, as she didnt give me that snitty christian vibe that I have encountered through out my life. it was at that point that I felt that god had picked a church for me. So I commited to go. But I had conditions (haha not smart). I said ok fine lord, last chance, I will go and check it out. But you better give me the message loud and clear. the prayer the sermon EVERYTHING must relate to me, or I’m never going back.
I walked 40 mins in the freezing cold to service (even though I could have got a ride). I got the sense that god was going to make me “earn it”. I felt walking in the freezing cold was the “earning it” part. I was wrong haha. I arrived at the church it was beautifully decorated the ushers were pleasant but not pushy, the congregation had a peacful feel. I walk into the chapel were service was being held and my least favorite hymn was being sung. We were lead in prayer, non of it seemed to apply to me. The sermon began, and I realize that I could have watched the service online from their website (grrr so I walked in this cold when I didnt have too lord!!??). The pastor immiediatly acknowledged the online viewers, not the in person congregation and certainly not me. I found the sermon to be dry and frustraing, and certainly not for me. Yet when the sermon was finished and it was time to leave, I heard a voice in my head say
“you’re coming back next week”.
It was then that I realized that the service was for me. It was the lord reminding me that I am in no position to offer him any kind of ultimatum. I hated the songs that were sang that night I hated the sermon that night even more….haha I had that coming.
It has and will be slow, but I know I am walking towards the lord. Im relearning obedience, and being taught in his way what faith really means. I now know he has a plan for me, and that plan will be clear when he and I am ready. In the mean time I have made a commmitment to read my bible (that was covered in dust on my book shelf) everyday. Thank you for allowing me to share where I am in this journey. It feels good to finally share this with someone without fear of being looked at like a nut job. All the best to all of you. :)