Imagine a darkness. It’s so big and endless. No matter much you try to fight it, it just keeps spreading. It begins in your chest, like a small ball no bigger than a small seed. But then it grows and spreads its roots, and before you notice it’s there, its roots are all over. In your arms, legs, feet, all the way out to the tip of your fingers, and all the way up to every part of your brain. Every little cell in your body is infected by the darkness. It makes it hurt to breath and to talk, to laugh, to believe. Its roots grow thicker and stronger and with that heavier. One day you wake up and you can hardy get out of bed.
This is how my life has been as long as I can remember. It only hurt.
When I was a kid, I was alone, other people made me uncomfortable. They looked so care free. The way they looked at me made me uncomfortable. Like they somehow knew everything. Every dark secret in my heart. It was like they knew that I was full of darkness.
I remember even back then it hurt to smile, because I believed that nothing of that was real. People care for each other because they want something. They stay together because of selfishness and personal needs. Love is fake and the world was just a big theater.
I was bothered, even I knew that. But have you ever wondered what bothers people? No one ever asked me then.
I used to see shadows and monsters everywhere. You might call it overactive imagination. But I knew it was more than that. This was real. I later learned I was not insane, spirits are real and the fight against them are real. But back then I was just another mentally disturbed kid that no one wanted to touch.
With a ton of “imaginary friends” yelling in my ear day out and in and lack of sleep I tried to kill myself at the age of twelve. It didn’t work out the way I wanted and I ended up waiting years before trying again. Instead I harmed myself, a lot. A lot of times.
Going into my teen year it was like I was at a party and I had greatly overstayed my welcome but was unable to leave. I took to alcohol to numb myself. And in the loopyness of a mixture of antidepressants and booze I gave away the last control I had to others.
The years that followed was hard. I was stuck and the darkness grew so enormous. I just wanted to be seen, for one person to love me. I didn’t need more than one person.
I felt unloved and unwanted my whole life. And the devil and me grew closer. He had always been there. Telling me I was not good enough, just like the people in my life did. I was so scared. I was terrified of existing. And that was all I did; I didn’t even live, just existed.
Not knowing what love is it’s easy to mistake it for something else. When I was seventeen, I thought I found someone who loved me. I thought that for once someone wanted me. He came with an army of darkness to match mine. Beating me into a shell of whatever life was hiding in me. Whatever hope that had hidden in the corners of my soul was evicted. That year was harder than any before it. I just wanted him to love me. But he said I needed to change. My friends said change is good.
This boy I knew came to me one day. His eyes so full of sadness yet he smiled, but one of those crocked and kind of painted one smiles. He said he found an exit. A way to be okay. He was going to be a girl. I got it right away somehow, but I never understood that I understood it. I followed the lost and got even more lost. I ran so fast away from who I was supposed to be that I didn’t have to think about anything but what I was doing right in that second. He had found a way out, a way to be okay in others eyes. All we had to do was stop being us.
Eight years I lived the lie that made people like me. Eight years I pretended to be a boy so that I did not have to be me, because no one ever liked me.
The definition of delusion is, 1 A, something that is falsely or delusively believed. B, A persistent false psychotic belief regarding the self or objects outside the self that is maintained despite indisputable to the contrary. 2 The act of tricking or deceiving someone the state of being deluded.
I was being deceived as I was deceiving others. A tricky one I know. I often think of those days when I went through this. No matter who I asked people would encourage this choice. Like they wanted me to be anyone but who I was born. What was so wrong with the person I was born as? I wish someone would strap me to a table or lock me up then. Instead they gave me poison to change my hormones. Castrated me. And mutilated my body by cutting of good healthy parts. I was so blind in my sadness and desperation I didn’t know what I was doing. I just wanted to be. To be able to be alive too, like them.
Going through this, it was like a fog laid itself around me. I started seeing less, wanting to see less. People liked me for this fake person I had become, I convinced myself I liked myself, while on the inside my body was shutting down. My heart got covered in stone and my blood got cold. I became one, just one of many. I could not even cry anymore, I was to broken to cry.
It was weird, after years of all that fog blinding me and the darkness eating me up a small light started blinking in my mind. In all and everything I fell in love, something I promised myself I never would do.
He came like a life raft in the sea while I was drowning. And even thought we were both stuck on the raft on the ocean, at least we had each other. His eyes are shiny, and full of love. He saw me fall and grabbed my arm and refused to let go no matter how much I screamed at him to. Together we went through the darkness, while seeking the light. On a road filled with drugs we went through the tons of conspiracy theories to Buddhist and new age religion, and from there to Jesus.
Now, here is the good part. The important.
In a darkness surrounded by demons my love stood alone, he had opened so many doors to the demons in the spiritual world, and he screamed out for Jesus Christ for help.
I didn’t believe my eyes what happened. And I thought I might lose him. But it was something else that was planned for us.
One night. The most amazing thing happened to me. He came as a light! This light was like no light I ever seen before. Beyond bright but in no way blinding. And warm like the whole space around me was just one big warm loving hug. I didn’t feel anything but love. He said only one sentence to me; that was all he had to say.
“What have you done to yourself My Child?”
I awoke like I was a new being. I was rested and the fog that been my vision for years was gone. I sat up in bed and looked down at my hands and with tears down my cheek I said to myself, “What have I done?”
I just cried and cried. Because now I realized that I was not unloved or unwanted or wrong or an accident. He knitted me together in my mother’s womb, when I was nothing but a fetus, he saw me. He already written down my life and the plans for my life then. He had even counted every hair on my head.
So, in the sorrow and grief and last but not least the happiness I gave myself to Him. I told him all my sins and begged for forgiveness. Things never became the same again. Both me and my boyfriend clung to Jesus knowing he is all we need. Later in the year we both got the gift of getting baptized and really gave ourselves to Jesus all over again.
It’s painful to look back at all the mistakes I made and to live with the consequences of it. I can never have children, I will never have a healthy body again. I will be slave to medication for the rest of my life and I lost so many years too hate and depression. Worst of all might be all the people I helped the devil lead astray. But In all of it I started looking back and remembering a lot of stuff I never noticed. And what I found out was just fantastic.
Jesus been next to be all along. He been there holding me while I was crying. He was always there I just didn’t see him, I didn’t let him in.
Dear Lord, my sweet Jesus, thank you so much for all your blessings. Thank you for my family and home. My pets and the skills you given me. Thank you for the small moments, the smiles, the laughs, the hugs. Dear Jesus thank you for filling me with the Holy Spirit, and for that to crush the ball of pain inside me, I still feel sad often and you know this because that is when I run to you the most. The roots are not all gone and often try to build themselves up again. But they got no chance anymore, this body belong to you. The fight is not over, but you already won. Thank you for showing me who I am.
Dear God, thank you for saving me. I am so happy to finely be able to be alive. Thank you, Jesus, for never giving up on me.