Not sure where to start. I am married though currently seperated from husband.Got saved about a year into relationship but grew more when we were married. My husband could not deal with the radical changes that occured in me and seemed to almost be fighting for attention with God, not understanding what God coming first in our lives meant. I couldn’t deal with who he was becoming either, because as he studied he became more and more worldly picking up some habits that he would have never dreamed of before. Needless to say we were pulling from opposite ends and the battle was huge. He had an affair briefly which he confessed but i had also suspected. I found that hard to overcome but felt that God was telling me to stay and he would bring restoration(OCCURED 2006- 3 years into marriage). It took me a while but eventually i began to try and work things out. Trust was a major issue and I have never been comfortable in the first place with male female ‘friendships’ especially where marriage is involved. Amidst all this chaos was our little boy 7 now.
I pray for my son all the time because it has affected him greatly especially because his father tends to not involve himself with him a lot, it’s heartbreaking when a man chooses career and progresss over his own flesh and blood. I live with my son and have to comfort him in those times when it really gets him down. Anyway now i’m at that point where my husband has brought up trying to work out things but i find it hard to believe his claims of love. There are so may rumors sorrounding him and other women which he absolutely denies, and i know rumors may just be that-rumors but, at the same time i feel people wouldn’t need to create any if one didn’t give them the weaponry to do so with. I don’t feel love for him in the sense of that which a wife needs to have towards a husband and i have no respect left for him to be honest i’m very indefferent to him. I have been considering divorce yet that’s where the confusion comes in. Would i be in God’s will by doing so, am i not trusting God to do what I full well know he is capable of, am i acting in pride….???
I cannot get my head round how tainted our relationship has become and it’s publicly for that matter. It would be a case of actually starting over again, but would he make right publicly what he has wronged publicly? Part of me just wants a new start with a completely different person and I find my mind wondering off to an ex of mine whom I’ve briefly been in contact with since my seperation. I don’t think i am in love with my ex, but feel if granted the opportunity it could work out, he was a high school sweetheart, back then i actually for want of a better word worshipped him and he adored me, got along well with his family, still do with some. Now even my relationship with my husband ‘s family is strained not because i haven’t tried but circumstances seem to just dictate how things are at the moment. That has been so since i’ve been a christian and i began to take a stand for my convictions, the seperation has just made it worse. I’m at that point where i would like to do what is right before God, for my son and for me. i’m just not sure what. i do miss being with someone sometimes although that has been made easier because i’m studying and are either too busy or too tired to dwell on that. I NEED PRAYER. I just seem to be going round and round in circles. I need to hear from God with Clarity then i can know how to focus my prayers and my life -desperately