Confused but trusting God

MEETING GOD

My name is Cesar Valencia. I am currently 17 and im totally in love with Jesus Christ and im not ashamed to let the whole world know. God saved me from so much in my life. I surrendered my heart to God someday in the summer for 2009 after finally falling from so much pain and hurt happening in my life. Before actually meeting God I had major problems with pornographic material and lust.Everyday i would feed on it and eventually one thing led to another.I cursed so much, I lusted so much. I couldn’t be around a female without thinking bad thoughts. The thoughts would drown me.I made friends, friends who would teach me bad things and introduced me to alcohol and drugs and other stuff but i never did those things though because of my parents. I thank god for giving me such supporting parents who taught me well and taught me wrong from good.I didn’t do those thing but all my friends were always doing it and the pressure of my friends and fitting in would always drown me. Everyday  i would always  battle two big wars alone with porn and the pressures of fitting in. Those two things were taking a big toll on me. I eventually began to be depressed a lot and less talkative in school and at home. I got dragged deeper into porn material, I began not caring about me, my education, or nothing basically. I began losing friends, my grades were not as good as they should be. Life for me was getting dull and depressing basically. One day my mom invited one of her really good friends. Her friend was christian and she had two sons who were also christians and I remember she brought them over. I became good friends with them but without the knowledge that God would use these people to turn my life around.  They invited me to their church. At first i was like eww church but then i was like “what do i have to lose…what the heck ill go”. I went that sunday and the enviroment of the church was amazing. I felt so welcomed and loved when i stepped in. The youth who went there (who are all know like family to me) welcomed me with open arms. i didnt feel judged, i didnt feel lonely. I loved the enviroment of the church so much i eventually began to go every sunday then from every sunday to every day there was service. I loved to be at church.I remember all my friends would be at some party and i would be at church. I eventually learned so much about god and what he could do in peoples lives and as days past i would grow more and more and more curious about God. Eventually I would sometimes spent a whole day learning about god.I still was involved in porn but there would be days in where i would forget all about it and just think about god. My life was starting to become interesting and actually fun. I enjoyed waking up in the mornings. I enjoyed living! After all this i eventually gave my life to Jesus Christ months after being introduced to the church. After accepting I remember the thoughts of porn just eventually started fading. I remember i would keep count of the days that i wasn’t involved with porn until I eventually lost count. My attitude began to change. I started cursing less and less until eventually I just stopped. I began to see people as god sees them. I began to be more caring and loving and way more sensitive towards peoples feelings. I humbled myself so much. I began sharing with people in school about god and what he can do in peoples lives. I made more friends because of how nice i was. I led my best friend that year to christ. I got baptized on semptember 26 that year. I began to love life. All this happened to me in a matter of 6 months. God is amazing. I’ve known god and been in love with god now for 1 year and 6 months and life has been an adventure for me so far!!! There is something going on right this moment though that has me confused and wondering “what is god doing in my life?”, “what does he want?”, “what is he trying to do?”.

HER

I really never had a real relationship with someone in my life and After accepting Jesus and being healed from my addiction of porn I began praying for someone. I began asking god to send me a girlfriend, someone who was christian, beautiful, hispanic, and other good things. Everyday i would pray for her. I noticed one day while at church this very beautiful girl walked in. She was 14 at the time, she is 15 now. I remember saying to myself “woooow she is soooo beautiful! she’ll never be interested in me….Ohh well”. Im sorta of a shy guy and afraid of rejection when it comes to girls I have crushes on but months past and she was still attending church and the only thing I would say and do  when I saw her was “Hey!” ..*hug*..”bye”….The fact that i wasnt getting anywhere with her didnt bother me it was just that I felt like I never had a chance with her, she would never like me so i just didnt bother. Few months more came by and I was on facebook with my best friend and i remember him sending me a message saying “dude!! she likes you!!” and i remember that message making my world turn upside down. I eventually began talking to her. We talked for four days before actually deciding to make it official and in those four days I found out we have so much in common down to the littlest things. I remember one of those nights we stayed up from night till the sun came up just talking. we eventually started going out but later in our relationship i had to let her go because she starting developing feelings again for her first love which i know its not her fault.she didn’t want to separate from me, she was confused and was trying to forget him and was always crying and depressed because of it. I tried to comfort her and be there for her but  i just couldn’t handle the pain of seeing her that way anymore and sharing her love with someone else so I had to let her go.. But during our relationship so much happened that made me believe she was the one for me. She had been through a lot in her past life and she trusted me with some of her deep hurtful things that had happened to her in her past life. We were so in common down to the littlest of things. We would cry together about god and how he changed our lives and sensitive subjects about our past lives. She got baptized during our relationship and began getting serious about her relationship with god. Her parents loved me and my parents loved her. She had everything i was looking for. I began being really comfortable around her and trusting her and so much more. I felt like this was the person that i had prayed to god for. Id had grown so attached to her and after i broke up with her it was just devastating. We’ve been broken up now for 5 months. But weirds things in which i feel like god is trying to talk to me have happened to me during those 5 months that lead to her! I had revelation from someone with the story of Hosea from the bible and how god is putting me through something similar to what god put him through. In the story god tells Hosea to marry an unfaithful women and love her so he can feel what god feels when his loved one israel is unfaithful to him. Read the story to understand it better. But then i had another revelation of someone saying she was my wife. Something else thats been happening non stop is well I listen to a christian radio station a lot and i dedicated the song god gave me you to her while we were dating and everytime i would pray for her or think about her the song would pop up. At first i didnt notice and everytime the song would pop on i would just be like” omg! the song…memories” but then i noticed that the song only comes on everytime i would pray for her or just think of her on the radio. And i have constant dreams of her that i feeeeel have meaning in them. She’s constantly on my mind. and just things happen that lead to her. Honestly this brake up got me closer to god because i started seeking him more for comfort and answers because of my heartbreak. We have been broken up 5 months now and we havent said a word to each other but recently I found out that she still has so many feelings for me, and how she feels so bad for what she did to me, and how shes been through similar situations like the ones i’ve been through and how I have always been on her mind since the day we broke up. I want to believe her but so many people bombard me with stuff such as she’s lying dont believe her.. shes going to brake your heart again and some others tell me she’s taking advantage of you because your all nice and what not and the thing is these people who are telling me this are people who are super close to me but there is one person who tells me otherwise than what they are telling me and thats my best friend. He tells me to just pray, trust and have faith in god and how he thinks were meant to be and thats exactly what im doing. Im just going to be patient, put god first and wait on god to tell me whats going on here. Its been confusing but all my faith is in the lord because he knows what hes doing and i trust in what hes doing.

5 Comments

  1. Jed 1/16/2011
  2. Daniela 1/19/2011
  3. Danielle 2/2/2011
  4. Brenda 5/5/2011
  5. jay 11/30/2011

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