Trusting God Is A Huge, Daily Process

So, I grew up in a Christian home. I went to church all my life, church events like camps, small groups, and even participated in VBS. I was always being taught about Jesus and that he is who we should believe in. I think as a child you tend to follow what your parents do and say because you don’t know any other way. So that is what I did, they would tell me to read my bible, pray before eating and before bed, etc.

As I got older, I didn’t want to read my bible, I found it boring. I did read it still, but it definitely wasn’t every day. I did pray before bed most nights, but I would often fall asleep during prayer. I got saved when I was 12 years old and got baptized soon after. I don’t remember feeling much different after that but of course it is still a significant part of my life.

At some point during that timeline, my curiosity got the best of me. I was on the internet and found my way into pornography. I did get caught by my parents and of course I felt as any kid does when they get caught with something they shouldn’t have.

This in turn made my parents set restrictions on certain sites and a time limit as well. I still found ways around it though. I don’t know if I would call it a serious addiction but it did take my attention away from God. It was an off and on thing I would go to. I would find myself scrolling deeper and deeper when I was bored. I don’t remember if I repented all that much but I do know I still would read my bible on occasion. As I said that was an off and on thing pretty much since 6th grade all the way until I graduated high school. Yet, pornography wasn’t the only problem.

As I grew, I found myself gravitating towards inappropriate tv scenes which would often get stuck in my head. I would imagine myself in their shoes or wonder if that happened to me. I would start making my own inappropriate story ideas stemming from what I watched and wanting to physically act them out, like a play almost. I would make up a character, or pretend to be one I admired and act it out the best I could. Of course I didn’t have an actual person, nor did I really want an actual person. I did with what I had at the time which was a generic body pillow. This other sort of addiction I would partake in all the time, and if I wasn’t in the privacy of my room, like at school, then I would just do the talking parts and the physical stuff later.

I admit I enjoyed it at the time, these fantasies, or whatever you want to call it. It was comforting. That lasted for a long time, longer than the pornography. I would get ideas when I was happy, sad, bored, angry, etc. Even if I didn’t fantasize, then I would be on the internet with pornography, they often fed each other. It wasn’t until I first joined this small group, back in January of 2024 I believe? That I felt convicted to stop. I think it was in March when this conviction came.

I remember one night I was on my phone in the midst of sin and I felt convicted to stop and pray. I was tired of what I was doing and needed to change. I didn’t want it any more and so I prayed hard to God that night, asking for release from this bondage. I can’t describe that feeling that I felt the morning after, but my heart felt different, almost joyous and “healed” in a sense.

I hadn’t exposed myself to any pornography since then and that is all Glory to God, yet my other addiction still kept going, but not how it used to be. I no longer did it all the time, the talking parts when I was about and about, I just saved it all for when I was alone in my room, like at night or in the morning. So it was less, that was good right? Well, no. Yes it was good that it was less, that something had changed, but I didn’t fully let go of it. That battle of trying to stop it was HARD! And I didn’t fully stop until recently.

During my time with this small group, we started the thing of having someone share their testimony at the end of every month. Of course, my social anxiety alarm was blaring off and a thousand unrealistic thoughts swirled in my brain. Yet my first experience sharing my testimony was our first retreat. I was so nervous, but it happened. Okay good, now I’ve done it now; I don’t have to do it again.

Yet each time someone else shared their testimony at our group, a part of it resonated with me and I couldn’t stop thinking that maybe I should share mine. But anxiety overtook and I shut that down quickly. That panicking about needing to share my struggles happened a few times at night, not every night, but it would come around again every now and then. Each time this happened I came to the conclusion that not everything needs to be shared, ultimately this is between you and God.

There was one night where I was panicking and I eventually calmed myself down, but a few days later my parents and I were watching a live video of a lady preaching. At some point she called for everyone to confess their sins to someone. Boom, there goes my adrenaline. My mom got down on her knees and then she looked over at me and of course I looked at her; Oh why did I do that? I quietly said that I struggled with lust. She said she understood and that she struggles with that too. She talked about taking thoughts captive and bringing them to God and she prayed with me. Man was that night a relief, maybe I didn’t share all of my struggles, but I did share the one and it went fine. I knew right away that it was God.

I kept pushing my scared feelings away but then God was like, here do it now. God is so crazy like that. But yeah my one addiction still was there. I think from that moment I did try to stop it but I was never successful. I may have relied on my own strength at times, and we all know how that goes. I could say one thing during the day but then by nightfall never follow through and give in to the temptations. This back and forth of trying to quit and not being able to, went on for months. Like I said it wasn’t until recently when things really changed

I knew what I was doing was wrong and that it wasn’t doing anything for my relationship with God. I did a lot of prayer and studying and studying about myself to really figure out the why. I was able to figure out my triggers and what I could do to not give in. I even came to the conclusion that I wasn’t being true in my repentance. I first searched the Bible to find stuff on real repentance but it wasn’t quite what I had in mind. I ended up finding this Christian article that a woman had written about repentance and Godly sorrow for sin. I finally found it! There was even a prayer at the bottom to pray and I did so.

Coming from that I was able to stay strong for 12 days and not give in to any of the temptations, yet one night I fell and it was all over. I was back to where I started and honestly I didn’t care at times. I gladly gave in and didn’t worry about it, kind of pushing God’s conviction away and avoiding it. I was upset at myself, how did I get so far and then fall again. I still tried though but at most I was able to just get to a day or two of not acting on it but never where I was.

A couple of weeks ago, pastor Brandon at church said something from God’s perspective, God says “Keep coming to me, keep coming to me, I know, keep coming to me”. That hit me, how true it is that God loves you no matter how many times you fall away, even after coming to him beforehand. He still loves it when you come to him, and he’ll keep trying the next day, or in my case maybe the next hour.

So, in April after days of acting on temptation, on Thursday April 9th I had enough. I had really thought about the other times before of why I couldn’t do it. It came down to that I was focusing too much on wanting to be good right away, where I had been. I needed to focus on one day at a time. So I set a small goal of 10 days. I could do 10 days, but the present goal was just one day. So after another hard, but honest prayer to God that morning, I counted Thursday as day 1. I just had to get through today and then I could focus on tomorrow.

So now it has officially been 8 completed days of choosing God over my flesh and that is all Glory to Him because I could not do it without Him. This has also felt like the realest fight ever, not like before. I’ve really been able to notice how long the days are because I am taking it one day at a time. It has not always been easy let me tell you but I haven’t given in. I call out to God each time.

As I have gone through this process I have noticed why I have given in to these temptations and why they even occur. It all stems to when I was first introduced to pornography, I wanted the knowledge, I wanted to know what I didn’t. More or less, I wanted control over the unknown. I’ve noticed now, it’s because I get anxiety about intimacy in a future relationship, whether that be in marriage or before that. I didn’t, and still don’t, know what that will be like and I am trusting God in that. I ask God every day to help me be okay in the uncomfortableness of not knowing. It still bothers me at times, but I try not to worry.

Trusting God is a huge, daily process and it isn’t perfect and never will be. I know that when it is aligned with Him it will be a great blessing and I will feel safe in that relationship, whenever it may be. I thank God for what he has taught me and where he has brought me to now. All Glory goes to Him, and that is where I am now. Thank you.