I found this site Months ago, or maybe even years lol, i dont know. I read some Testimonies and gave comments to, but never wrote my own.
The reason i never wrote my own is because if your a Wicked man towards God, Jesus and the Truth you really dont have much to write about Deliverence or the Mercy of God.
But Today i have to admit my Wickedness, Rebellion, Arrogance, Pride and much more with this Testimony.
I write in much detail as possible without offending anyone, but in a manner that will enable you believe what kind of person i was or even can become again.
Years ago, i was Drug addicted, had many depressions, dealt drugs, stole and sold most of my families fortune including cloths and a wedding ring from my mother in order for me to buy drugs. I had many depressions and only saw life as through the eyes of a thieve, drug dealer, drug abuser and Sex.
But there was a day in my life that i can relive everytime i think about it, i was at home, druged, saw the Bible on the shelf and was filled with the Holy Spirit or Jesus wich litterly pushed me towards the Bible, a gentle push, picked it up and said in my mind, “from today on you will be my salvation”, for befor that and a while after, the only thing that i took to get over depression was Drugs, and i really believed its how i will die, as a drug abuser/dealer.
I had to many Hopes and the Bible and in Jesus it was unbelievable, i guess its because i was filled with the Holy Spirit.
After years past these Hopes just disapeared because things, “NEVER!” went the way i wanted to, i prayed on so many occasions, i believe i prayed on everything, and searched for Jesus with all my strenght. But still, things never went the way i wanted it to go, or never mind it “RAREALY” went the way i wanted it to go.
So i lost hope and faith during these years, and i became really angry and disapointed in Jesus, the Truth and God, for i really believed all the promises in the bible, but i never recieved them, or recieved them with the power i wanted to. Its takes energy away and effort to hope and have faith, and so after years i had no more left.
After about 4-5 years Believing in Jesus and the Truth i never looked at it like i did with at the Begining. I looked at it but i looked at it like “yes i konw you are there, but what do you have to do with me”, for me after i gave up hope and faith, the truth for me was just somthing i witnessed from the outside, but never impacted me the way i thought it would.
With that kind of attidude i could live for months and years, seeing the truth, sinning right infront of the eyes of truth and saying to myself “i konw your there, but what do i have to do with thee”. Like i said, i gave up Hope and Faith and just thought i was an outside witness of the truth and it wont impact me at all in my life, i was totaly convinced of it.
I did so many wicked things right infront of the spirit of Jesus that now i find it hard to forgive myself, what i did.
But i really didnt have Hope in him anymore, i was mad at him and dissapointed, so he could show up in spirit in my house at night, while i sinned with full glory and i didnt care. You have to understand that 4-5 years i searched him with all strenght and hopes, and he showed up at a time were no hope, faith or energy or strenght or desire was left in me to search for him, right there he showed me himself, and since then is trying to get me back so i may continue that same search i started at the beginning, same power, hope, faith, energy, heart, flesh, spirit, mind. My family even said i was obsessed and i take this religion to far, that how deep i was at the beginning of my journey.
But i was wasted, empty, didnt care anymore, about him or the truth, or what he as to do with me, i was angry at him, at the truth, and said things like. HA! you promised all these thing to men, as rest and salvation, and joy and peace and love and comfort, but i havent recieved nothing, i know your promises are true, i dont doupt it, but not for me, not for this body, not for my soul.
I laughed, and moked at the promises at one point, i laughed and mocked Jesus in the face at one point because all those promises i knew are true, didnt apply or were given to me. So again, i felt like i was just an outside witness of the truth, i believed the promises but at the same time convinced they will never be applied to me, because i have searched for 4-5 years and grew tired.
So i did all these Horrible things, not in secret or behind his back, no, infront of Jesus.
One time it got so far, that i believed i was the son of pertition, the anti christ, because i bore witness of such things many searched for and had such believe in the truth and light, but never was a part of it, and grew very very angry to Jesus, and said to myself “who is not better to be the ant christ then someone who knows the truth, believes the gosple and the promises, but is not the one who will recieve it, so grows in such anger with Jesus that he goes out preaching “The promises are a lie, Jesus will come in your house look in your eyes BUT WILL DO NOTHING!”
I can imagine some readers having some horror reading this, but what i write is truth, but Jesus is everything else but someone who promises and doesnt deliever, he is anything else but someone doestn stand by throught the hardest times and keeps you alive, while going through trials and tribulations that go beyond reason, even if you mock him, or laugh at his face, or are very angry with him and believe you will fight against him one day, he doesnt stop careing for that very same person. Its a mercy that goes beyond human nature.
In the last 1 or 2 the calling of Christ to me got Stronger, more compelling. That at one point, i had no other choice, but to either A:Just deny him and make a vow to be an enemy against him, or B: Hear what he has to say and try to restart the relationship.
I went for B LOL, i said ok “lets start a new relationship, ill will not hold back, neither do you Jesus”, so i went to him and asked all these questions, at night i just asked, and asked and probably took more time asking then listening to him. But now that i look at it, it kinda flushed out my system, letting it all out. I wasnt angry with him or had a heart that was only out to Judge him, no i really really wanted to know the truth about Salvation, and the Peace that he promised but wasnt delieverd to me, while at the same time i am witnessing things, really anyone witnesses, i mean Dreams, Voices, Spirits, Knowledge, Darkness, Demons, i mean alote of things.
Then after a while, i started Feeling guilty again when i sinned, which wasnt the case wenn i was really mad at him and dindnt listen to him wenn he called. I felt guilty, and started to compare my “Wickedness” with his Rightousness, and his Deeds, wich clearly showed me his Glory, Goodness, and Kindess and Charity and most of all his Love and Holliness. Then after a while i got angry, that i couldnt be like him, so things started to change inside me.
I know my wickedness and could compare it to his rightousness, even now i see that i can only compare a little but its enough to see the evil that i am and the wickedness of my thoughts and hearts, wich are Sins and i had many.
And after a while, Jesus remember me of all the Disapointments i had towards him and said “Forgive me, the one how doesnt Sin”, i said “Jesus i remember all the disappointments and hopes i had in you, and know you dont Sin, but i forgive you that it all didnt work out how i thought it would”, what happend then was like a really really big drop of Darkness Just droped and a new beginning with Jesus started.
Not only did he tell me to Forgive him, the one who doesnt sin but also, to forgive myself on how i handled the Truth.
Slothfull, Light, None Appreciative and so on…
Now this i say, there is no man on earth who has more Mercy, Patience and Love towards Man and all his wickedness then Jesus, for i dont believe he witnessed all my wickedness, no, i tell you he was here all the time and i knew it and look at him while doing the most horrible things right infront of his presence with pride, arrogance and sometimes even Joy, wich Father or Mother could stand there for years while there sons and daughters do that infront of there eyes and not Strike them.
I tell you the truth, the mercy of Jesus is not from this earth its not human, its not earthly, with such mercy, how much will his wrath be.
Mercy is of Christ. also Love and Patience, woh to the ones who the wrath of God will be poured out, because that wrath will also not be a wrath of man or human or earthly but a wrath unmixed wich will contain “no mercy”.
I am here unworthy and all Glory belongs to Christ Jesus.