I was loosely raised around Christianity, meaning, I knew God was there and His Creation. I just didn’t believe it. My childhood wasn’t the best but I was thankful for all that I had. In my first year of High School (In my state that’s ages 13 to 16) things started to get a bit shaky. I got in with the wrong crowd, I started smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol. After a while I started to get with people. Mostly males, but some females as well. I was only 13 at the time. That happened for the rest of the year. In the next year, some nasty rumors had started to spread and I wasn’t feeling too great about myself. After a few months, I made a terrible mistake. I decided that I would get with a person, considering him and his girlfriend ‘broke up’, I did. When I went to school two days later, she had found out. Not only was she angry about the fact that I had done what I did, but also because I had texted her later that day pretending to be her friend. We have hardly ever seen eye to eye, so I figured that it was time to get back at her. As I was getting off my bus, I was greeted by her. She tried to hit me several times, and then her friends dragged her away. I didn’t know what to do. The whole school thought I was nothing but a dirty person. No one would speak to me, the teachers pitied me. I just couldn’t handle it. My father and my step mother had no idea about the person I became, all they knew was that I smoked and this girl was giving me a trouble. I spoke to them and they agreed to home school me, seeing how I couldn’t handle school. We sorted it all out with the government. I hardly done any school work in the year that I was being home schooled for. By the time I was 15, I had major depression. My father and step mother only really cared about the money they were receiving for me. I couldn’t handle it. I was cutting myself, thinking about killing myself and then one day I tried. Clearly that didn’t go to well.
I was on the beach, soaking wet from the water I had just tried to drown myself in. When I got home, I called my mother, and said “Mum, I can’t handle it here. Can I move in?” she said yes. After getting settled in with her, she made me go to school. It’s a rather small Christian School and I still attend it.
I still had my depression but things were looking up. Over 2011 and majority of this year, things were looking up. I went to a Student Convention, where, one of the speakers were sharing a story. I was listening and I could see the mans pain behind the story he was telling about his passed nephew. When he finished, everyone filed out for supper and then bed. I stayed behind. My intention was to go over and give him a hug because he had been crying. When I pulled back from the hug, he asked me if I knew who Jesus was. I said I knew him, but I didn’t believe in him. He told me that I therefore did not know Jesus. After an awkward silence, he looked me dead in the eye and said, “Would you like to be saved tonight?” Without a though, I said yes. We sat and he showed me to Roman Road (Romans 3:23 A knowledge of sin, Romans 5:8 the solution for sin, Romans 6:23 consequences of sin, Romans 10:9 my escaped from sin and 1 John 5:11-12 assurance of salvation.) He told me that if I can own up and confess with my mouth the sins I have committed and that if I truly believe and asked to be saved by the Lord, it will happen for it says so in Romans 10:9 “That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised from the dead, thou shalt be saved.” I told him that I do, and he said that all I needed to do, was say in a pray that I wanted to be saved. I had no idea on what I had to say or do. I was so overcome with emotion. He told me all I had to do was bow my head, say “Dear Lord, I want to confess to you my sin and I want your forgiveness. Amen.”
So, I done just that. I bowed my head, said “Dear Lord, I confess -” but I stopped. I started to cry my eyes out. To confess everything to God? To feel his judgement? To know that I will be saved? It was, in all honesty, scary. I cried for a full five minutes. and then I just blurted out the rest of my prayer by saying “- to you my great sins, I want your forgiveness and I want to be saved. Amen.” That night, the 3rd of October, 2012. I was reborn.
Within a week though, my mother had fully burst at the seams. She had become mentally ill. At first, I hated God for doing this, but then I spoke to my teacher and he said that maybe I should see it not as God, but a dive from Satan, for he has lost a soul and wants to regain one. My mother. I prayed and I prayed, having no idea what to do. God showed me, and at first, I was very reluctant. Admit my mother to a mental home. No. I couldn’t do it. But I did. I had to move back in with my Father which I was fairly weary of doing, but I knew it was in God’s plan. My mother is on the mend and I pray that one day, she’ll come back to her normal mental health and that I can show her the love that our God gives us.
Tonight, God has shown me a verse that I will so dearly hold to my heart. It’s Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” For me, it says alot. Knowing that I was on the brink of suicide, and full of Satan, and that the Lord has given me a hope, and a future.