I was loosely raised around Christianity, meaning, I knew God was there and His Creation. I just didn’t believe it. My childhood wasn’t the best, but I was thankful for all that I had. In my first year of High School (In my state that’s ages 13 to 16) things started to get a bit shaky. I got in with the wrong crowd, I started smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol. After a while I started to get with people. Mostly males, but some females as well. I was only 13 at the time. That happened for the rest of the year.
In the next year, some nasty rumors had started to spread, and I wasn’t feeling too great about myself. After a few months, I made a terrible mistake. I decided that I would get with a person, considering him and his girlfriend ‘broke up’, I did. When I went to school two days later, she had found out. Not only was she angry about the fact that I had done what I did, but also because I had texted her later that day pretending to be her friend. We have hardly ever seen eye to eye, so I figured that it was time to get back at her.
As I was getting off my bus, I was greeted by her. She tried to hit me several times, and then her friends dragged her away. I didn’t know what to do. The whole school thought I was nothing but a dirty person. No one would speak to me; the teachers pitied me. I just couldn’t handle it. My father and my stepmother had no idea about the person I became, all they knew was that I smoked, and this girl was giving me a trouble.
I spoke to them, and they agreed to home school me, seeing how I couldn’t handle school. We sorted it all out with the government. I hardly done any schoolwork in the year that I was being home schooled for. By the time I was 15, I had major depression. My father and step mother only really cared about the money they were receiving for me. I couldn’t handle it. I was cutting myself, thinking about killing myself and then one day I tried. Clearly that didn’t go to well.
I was on the beach, soaking wet from the water I had just tried to drown myself in. When I got home, I called my mother, and said
“Mum, I can’t handle it here. Can I move in?”
She said yes. After getting settled in with her, she made me go to school. It’s a rather small Christian School and I still attend it.
I still had my depression but things were looking up. Over 2011 and majority of this year, things were looking up. I went to a Student Convention, where, one of the speakers were sharing a story. I was listening and I could see the mans pain behind the story he was telling about his passed nephew. When he finished, everyone filed out for supper and then bed. I stayed behind. My intention was to go over and give him a hug because he had been crying. When I pulled back from the hug, he asked me if I knew who Jesus was. I said I knew him, but I didn’t believe in him. He told me that I therefore did not know Jesus.
After an awkward silence, he looked me dead in the eye and said,
“Would you like to be saved tonight?”
Without a thought, I said yes. We sat and he showed me to Roman Road (Romans 3:23 A knowledge of sin, Romans 5:8 the solution for sin, Romans 6:23 consequences of sin, Romans 10:9 my escaped from sin and 1 John 5:11-12 assurance of salvation.) He told me that if I can own up and confess with my mouth the sins I have committed and that if I truly believe and asked to be saved by the Lord, it will happen for it says so in Romans 10:9
“That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”
I told him that I do, and he said that all I needed to do, was say in a pray that I wanted to be saved. I had no idea on what I had to say or do. I was so overcome with emotion. He told me all I had to do was bow my head, say “Dear Lord, I want to confess to you my sin and I want your forgiveness. Amen.”
So, I did just that. I bowed my head, said “Dear Lord, I confess -” but I stopped. I started to cry my eyes out. To confess everything to God? To feel his judgement? To know that I will be saved? It was, in all honesty, scary. I cried for a full five minutes. and then I just blurted out the rest of my prayer by saying “- to you my great sins, I want your forgiveness and I want to be saved. Amen.” That night, the 3rd of October, 2012. I was reborn.
Within a week though, my mother had fully burst at the seams. She had become mentally ill. At first, I hated God for doing this, but then I spoke to my teacher, and he said that maybe I should see it not as God, but a dive from Satan, for he has lost a soul and wants to regain one. My mother. I prayed and I prayed, having no idea what to do.
God showed me, and at first, I was very reluctant. Admit my mother to a mental home. No. I couldn’t do it. But I did. I had to move back in with my Father which I was fairly weary of doing, but I knew it was in God’s plan. My mother is on the mend, and I pray that one day, she’ll come back to her normal mental health and that I can show her the love that our God gives us.
Tonight, God has shown me a verse that I will so dearly hold to my heart. It’s Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV:
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
For me, it says a lot. Knowing that I was on the brink of suicide, and full of Satan, and that the Lord has given me a hope, and a future.
Hi Jacqui,
Im very sorry for your mother. But if it is the will of god, let it happen. I pray to god that your mother should recover soon. Do not worry dear. Our god is a mighty god. he loves us all even all the worst kind of things we do. He is a mountain mover dear. He cares for sparrows. Wont he care you and your mother? Trust in him. Surely you will see great things dear. At any situation do not lose trust in him. He loves you sooooooooooooooooooo much dear. Pray, Pray, Pray. Because he wants to feel the sweetness of your prayer. Read Psalms 18.