Trapped in my Own Mental Prison

It’s a very sad misconception that God is an angry God, maybe because it only seems like the Bible is a book of rules and God is there to throw people into hell.

That’s not true. He is not only merciful and patient, here to save souls (no matter how screwed up, NO ONE is beyond His reach), and gentle and loving.

How do I know? I’m a living testament of that.

Since very young, I had this habit. It more and more eerily began to represent masturbation as I grew up and continued with it. However, I didn’t know what I was doing. It just relieved stress and brought a little pleasure so I did it.

I remember my parents had a fallout when I was young. My brain couldn’t comprehend it. After a while, I thought I just got over it and toughened up.

When I was young, I also remembered having “lovers”, which whom I did my fantasies with. I just combined my habit and some stuff I learnt through classmates such as kissing to simulate me with my lovers.

Though I never knew the meaning of it, I was counted lesbian at that time in a way, because one of my lovers at one point of time was a female, and my fantasies of her were downright disgusting. I also had my own world where I could be the main character. I sung all day at school, living in this delusional world, while everyone though I was weird, and I sunk more and more into loneliness.

Anyways, moving on, when I graduated from elementary school, middle school me hated elementary school me for being unpopular, having no friends, and needing coping methods. I thought that I should be more self-sufficient and able, and be more mature than singing.

Essentially, after the loneliness accumulated, I began to believe that I was unloved and never was going to be accepted unless I altered my behaviour to be like everyone else.

I met a true friend called G, but that was about it. I began to hang out with the cool kids, cursing and swearing as I loved losing control of myself and just hurling mindless insults towards others. I loved going “high” without drugs by feeling exhilarating emotions. For a while, that numbed the pain.

I was living the atheist life. I am self-sufficient, I thought. I don’t need to care about death, I thought. If it comes I’ll just brave through it.

Suddenly, lots of symptoms began to pummel on me for no reason. God was like “wake up!!” at that point. I tried optimistic nihilism, still convinced that anyone who believes in a hope after this life is just dreaming.

I had the ultimate do it myself mindset. I can do everything myself. I don’t need, what, love? What, emotions, moral compass and God? That’s for weaklings, I thought.

Being optimistic about dying didn’t help me at all. I just went back into another game and doomscrolling (8-9h/day) after God just removed the symptoms one day after seeing my stubbornness (yeah went a lot of doctors, took a lot of meds, didn’t work, even went to clean my ears), as well as seeking attention from friends. I just thought the symptoms got removed by the ear washing (which, given that they were headache, intense vertigo, rapid, erratic heartbeat, chest pain, I don’t think it is)

Outside, I seemed fine, having a fun time with friends. But on the inside, I was zooming down the highway to hell. I was not only spiritually dying inside but emotionally as well. I felt lonely, isolated and trusted no one due to my past and my masturbation habit I didn’t want anyone to know of.

I vented my anger on my mom, fighting with her almost everyday for nearly 2 years at this point, and physically assaulting her on some occasions. By the grace of God I didn’t injure her badly even once. He protected my mom.

Then, it was the school holidays. There went my coping method of going “high” with friends. I sunk deeper and deeper into porn as I gave in twice a day. I had watched videos about how short life is. God showed me a video about dementia, as well as an innocent looking video game called Omori which actually was really dark.

That got me out of my coping life again. I questioned everything but refused to believe in God. I researched about Him but thought “oh yeah let’s add this to my list of coping methods… And then once everything normal I will go back to my normal life.” I tried distracting myself with tons of hobbies such as dancing, singing, voice acting, piano, music, going random places even. I thought all these would give me a sense of purpose and rid of my addiction. I was wrong. Streaks, paper reminders, phone notifications, watching videos for tactics to break out, fasting from social media and Internet. I tried it all. But each time, I failed to break out of masturbation. I felt the desperation grow inside of me as my supposed “I can do it all” and “screw morals and rules, I wanna be free” mindset crumbled.

Refusing to give in to God, I tried to brainwash myself that all of us has a good and nice resting place when we die by watching NDE videos, and thought that once everything settled I would return to an atheist mindset. It didn’t work. I was still scared of death though I believed that I had a resting place where I’d find comfort in the future.

I didn’t know how that was possible! Logically, if you believe in an afterlife, a nice resting place, wouldn’t you feel relieved from the fear of death? For me, I didn’t feel any relief at all. The feelings of fear waxed and threatened to overcome me.

I realised I was trapped. Trapped in my own mental prison where I couldn’t get out.

On the outside, I looked like I was freaking prospering and doing so much meaningful things as an atheist. But no, it was the opposite. I was hiding my struggles and pain. I wanted to die but was too scared of death. I didn’t want anyone to know as I was desperately clinging on to their positive opinions of me that I maintained with a masquerade as my last source of recognition. If I told them… Their positive opinions of me… Would be gone… And what would they do? Send me to rehab? Get the police? A halfway house? A mental institution? I didn’t want any of these. I was trapped.

Then I realised, God was worth trying. Not because I finally came to my senses. Because I was at my wits end. This was the one thing I didn’t try.

Man’s end is where God begins.

I had tried everything.

Out of pure desperation I cried out in between sobs in the toilet (after I don’t know how many times I masturbated),

“God, please… Help me.”

But even to such a wretch like me, unfeeling and uncaring, He still showed mercy.

That was it lol. Literally. After that moment, I felt lust again, but I felt it was an enemy in the corner of the room and that I could punch it.

If people saw me then they’d think I was crazy. For that whole day, I was punching the air as every bout of lust now felt like an enemy near me. When I punched it the feelings of lust just… disappeared.

I never gave in again. It took Him 1 second.

I believed, of course, for that day only though. I began doubting the very next day. I researched information from both sides hoping to see if there is evidence of a God. There was so much evidence from both sides I felt headaches from reading it. Only praying to Him at night got rid of the headache.

I decided to journal down whenever He answered my prayers and download Bible app from some website God directed me to. That journal has 10 pages though I only did it for 1 and a half months.

Oh great. Now c has become a Christian. How to go to church? Too scared to tell anyone. Well, I wanted to please God, so I had these um goals that I tried very hard to reach to make Him happy. He dispelled that misconception later. I didn’t need to do anything to make Him happy.

I somehow remembered G (my true friend) was a Christian. I asked her to go to church. I snuck to church with her. That day I heard God speak as I prayed in church for the first time. He said the “Amen” together with me. I was shocked. I looked all around. No one was talking to me. His voice was loud and dominating.

I thought church would be boring and only went there to please God. But it was so enjoyable that I promised them to come back. Ooops! That was the beginning of how He locked me into a situation where I had to tell my parents and others.

I had to tell them coz school would reopen and the cell (small group in church) said they would do this meeting from 9+pm, and I really wanted to join. I couldn’t hide it any longer.

I told my sister at night. Wanted to chicken out but she said she couldn’t sleep if I don’t tell her. So, I stuttered and told her. I thought she would say I was crying but she didn’t. Then she told me my mum was Christian. I was shocked. I had no idea.

I told my mom next. I closed the door to make sure I couldn’t chicken out. My mouth wanted to say but my brain was blaring cringe alert. So I chickened out (lol) and asked my sister to tell my mom. She followed suit. My mom was happy for me and also returned to church after getting directions from Jesus about medication.

It was time to tell my agnostic dad. Was very scared. But well God already revealed it to him coz he has parental controls and saw my bible app.

I brought my dad into the room and told him I had something important to tell him. He said,

“Is it the bible app?”

And when I heard that I chickened out. Stood up and ran out of the room screaming… (lol)

And he told me to come back. I was scared. I told him since he already knew. He essentially said, “ok cool”. I heaved a sigh of relief.

Even though I was crazy timid God still managed to get me to tell everyone.

One day after all this I woke up and felt a barrage of intrusive thoughts. I didn’t do anything. Just woke up and there it was. I tried to fight but it was futile. I collapsed onto the bed. Then, I asked God to help me. Instantly, I woke up.

I kept on bombarding my agnostic dad with testimony of God coz I wanted to please God and that was “the next step” to please God. I felt like I had no more next steps to do. Then school reopened. I had accepted Jesus as Lord and Saviour already. I wanted to help Him. I asked Him for a sign and for me to help Him.

School reopened. I was completely changed. I stopped swearing. I no longer felt the need to attention-seek. I could be myself.

The day before, I was worried about school so I couldn’t sleep. And also, some hand began trying to press against me.

He brought me a “deconvert”. I helped him back to Christ and the sign was performed. Something illogical happened (twice), with the same nature of my miracle of being freed from porn.

But I screwed up really bad on something. Everything looked doomed. I suffered hard consequences for what I did. I sunk into burnout, and began to develop symptoms akin to quiet BPD. However, Christ did not abandon me though I didn’t listen to what He wanted me to do. And that was when I discovered… Gods true nature of love, and how He turns what the enemy meant for evil to good.

After discovering a book called “Experiencing Father’s Embrace” I had a clearer picture of God’s true loving nature. I spent more time with Him and felt a tangible revelation of His love one night. It felt so overwhelming that even extremely troubled me could not help but be comforted to sleep. Something weird also began to happen. I felt Him… Touching me! I didn’t know this could happen but often to comfort me that is what He does.

He has since made me feel real love for the first time and has comforted me. He also spoke through Word of Knowledge where people praying for me told me that I am the apple of God’s eye (I had much doubt about His love for me). One also told me that I was like a flower which growth was stunted when I was having severe burnout. It was so accurate every time someone prayed for me.

When I talk to Him, He is really patient with me, staying with me and reassuring me that He wouldn’t go.

All glory to Jesus. None of this was accomplished by me. I would still be living the robotic, stoic life without Him, dying inside from emotional pain and fear of death as well as zooming down the highway to hell, never having a chance to know of His steadfast, pure, unconditional and great love!

Till today I struggle with believing how great His love is for me and struggle with excessive pride. But I know with Him, I can get through all of it. Praise the Lord… Though I often forget to thank Him and praise Him… He is still loving and patient towards me.

–side note–

To my fellow atheists, God does not contradict observable science. The theory of evolution, after all, is just a theory. In fact, evolution has to jump through at least 2 hoops – how did matter form out of nothing, how did unintelligible matter form intelligible information (dna/rna).

Also, if the observable is everything, I wonder which genes code for a nice person, which genes code for personality, and since we are apparently animals, which neurons/genes cause us to have a moral compass.

Finally, I implore you to give God a chance. He gave me new life. He gave me a purpose, showing me that there is objective truth after all. It is a scientific fact that babies who aren’t shown loving touch in the first few months will grow up psychologically damaged. We all need love. No matter how much you deny it, it has even been labelled by psychologists as a core need.

Unfortunately, the love our parents or spouses provided us is based on the love they received. The one who receives less love loves others less. And this all traces back to the moment love became imperfect in the garden of Eden. That’s why there’s so much pain in this world today.

To those who are questioning, here is a website I’d like you to visit:

gotquestions.org

To those who are hungry for God’s love, this is a good place to start:

https://www.fathersloveletter.com/god-and-you.html

To those who are addicted:

God is not ashamed of you. God wants to help you. Just genuinely ask Him. He will guide you out of this! God himself suffered all your punishment and guilt on the cross. It is finished. With Him, you can do it!

To those who are addicted to porn, specifically.

Dear precious ones in God’s sight. I was once addicted to this as my testimony above mentions. I realised that why I was addicted to porn, besides escapism from pain, was because I wanted intimacy with someone else. But I was too scared to risk being hurt emotionally and to cultivate emotional intimacy. The ultimate act of physical intimacy is sex. So, I got addicted. But this will never fill you.

Only God’s love will.

Please, give Him a chance.

To those who wish to trust in Jesus

https://www.fathersloveletter.com/god-and-you.html

Access this website :) thanks for reading :D

PS: I would also like to thank the Lord for putting me in a country where drugs are illegal, and pornography distribution is tightly controlled. If not, I might’ve really spiraled out of control.