Just Wanted To Fit In

I was a very insecure child. I was constantly seeking my parents’ approval, thinking that they never even noticed me. At a young age I believed the lie that I was not pretty enough to fit in. I was always being made fun of in elementary through high school. In junior high I broke my knee causing me to have surgery and be homeschooled. I felt all alone and had a feeling no one cared about me, so I turned to food for comfort.

In high school I was overweight and miserable. I was continuously being made fun of so I decided I would make changes in my life, unfortunately not healthy ones. This is where the anorexia and bulimia began. I wanted to fit into what I thought were the “popular girls” and I just wanted to fit in. This became a complete idol in my life. It is all I thought and cared about, nothing else mattered to me. I lost a lot of weight physically but mentally I still believed the lie that I needed to be thinner.

To numb the pain, I felt and to try to fit in I started smoking week and partying all the time. I started doing badly academically and the pain I felt was getting worse, so I started smoking daily, drinking all the time, became promiscuous and started to take pain killers to make it all go away. I thought I needed them to live. These things absolutely controlled my life. Everyone could tell how sick I was getting so I went into a program but after seeing a lot of people relapse, I told myself it wouldn’t work for me.

So, I faked it and was eventually released. I went back to the same old lifestyle except now the pain killers became an everyday thing and I started stealing from my family, parents, friends and stores. I would do absolutely anything to support my next fix. I broke up with a boyfriend at the time and that is when I came to a point where I didn’t want to live anymore. I attempted suicide but luckily it didnt work. I was finally realizing how sick I was getting when I looked at pictures of myself one day. I looked like a complete skeleton, all I saw was skin and bones. I finally broke down and told my parents I needed help.

We didn’t know what to do because we couldnt afford any place. But one day we heard about a program called Mercy Ministries and this place absolutely changed my life. I was completely transformed. I realized that my past I was once so ashamed of had already been completely forgiven by God. He had a plan for me before I was ever born, and I can actually see that now. All of my past that I went through happened for a reason. And I can tell how God was with me in those bad times.

I can finally say that I am beautiful and actually believe it. I know that destiny is bigger than my mistakes, my past does not define who I am, and I know that God’s promises are true. I am completely forgiven; I am pure, accepted and beautiful. I know God has a huge calling on my life. I am not the same person I was 6 months ago.