Jesus has been in my life for half a century now, but I only really found out who he was in the summer of 2016 after a most remarkable dream I had. At my lowest point in life he came and said — Follow Me.
I was depressed after a very difficult break-up and discovered I had a codependent personality which caused problems in my relationships. This led me to want to isolate myself due to the stress it caused leaving me alone and afraid of my fate.
Thankfully God wasn’t finished with me and I was redeemable. It took 49 years before I was finally ready to listen to my Creator, become obedient and give up my foolish pride. He pursued me ever since I was a teenager by strategically placing Born Again Christians at every turn–my first boss, a trip to India to meet a guru, the time I lived in Maine, an RV laundromat in Arizona & Gospel tracts given to me in numerous places.
When I started to have a personal relationship with Jesus was when I began to see the error of my rebellious ways and a true humbling occurred. But I’m getting ahead of myself, let me take you back to the beginning…in 1967 I was born & raised Catholic. I grew up thinking I was going to heaven when I die to be with Jesus. I thought that going to church every week, saying the Our Father & Hail Mary, the rosary, going to Confession a few times a year & the fact that I was baptized as a baby was all I had to do to be saved from eternal hell and damnation. However, as I got older I began to sense that it wasn’t enough, that I wasn’t good enough to be in God’s presence.
A nagging feeling of guilt kept me in limbo and wondering if there was an in- between stage, like Purgatory before I could be with God. I also didn’t understand why Jesus was crucified for my sins and didn’t have a clue about how his blood cleansed me. I just felt bad that we put God on a cross without understanding the necessity of him being sacrificed. But still I faithfully attended church and put my children into Catholic school, baptized them, etc… because that’s all I knew.
Then my life changed dramatically when my husband of 10 years told me he was leaving me & wanted a divorce. I was shocked because I didn’t believe in divorce and thought Catholics stay married for life. He didn’t agree. This broke my heart, I wanted to die. I was scared to death imagining raising three little boys on my own. Thanks to God, finances were plentiful to keep us afloat while I tread water for a few years because being a single mother didn’t come easily for me. I had a lot of insecurity and fears and doubted my ability to navigate safely in a world that preyed on naive and gullible people like I was at that time. The only thing I ever wanted was to be a wife and mother and live in my little bubble. When the marriage ended I was forced out of this sheltered environment and began to have to deal with the world at large more. I didn’t feel safe to proceed alone so I turned to my church first and that was a barren wasteland, married friends vanished, my family and I were estranged so I was ripe for Satan’s picking. Unbeknownst to me, I went to a bookstore in search of God and found his counterfeit. I began to read books from the “self help” Spirituality section to try to build up my confidence to go it alone without my husband’s love & guidance. I began to read a book called A Course In Miracles and the metaphysical new age movement found me. I started attending a meditation group who did Reiki and they told me about a church called Unity that I started to go to every Sunday and got caught up in the warm & fuzzy feeling. Desperate for love, I was hooked. I began drinking the Kool-Aid and believed that there’s many paths to God and that we even could become enlightened and be one with God. This “new” Jesus I was learning about was a liberal, open minded master teacher who allowed everything under the sun–sex & pleasure especially. I embraced the hippie motto live and let live. I opened myself up to the spirit world, began channeling as a psychic medium and seeking guidance from spirit guides as well as gurus and other so called spiritual teachers. I took to this love & light community like a moth to a flame due to my insatiable desire and unfulfilled need for love.
A year after my divorce my ex- husband lost his job and told me I had to sell the marital house and receive less alimony & child support. I decided this would be a good opportunity to move away from the area. I no longer fit in with my community of married, conservative, very wealthy and Catholic friends in Rumson, NJ and decided I’d go West and make a fresh start. I picked Sedona–a new age mecca. I sold most of our belongings and moved me and my 3 boys, 1 dog and a bird cross country 3,000 miles and bought a house in the Red Rocks and that’s when things really started to get weird. It wasn’t long before I was believing in aliens, UFO’s and vortex energy. I was feng shuing my home for prosperity and health. Spending too much money on psychics to find out my future and making friends with other divorced women and men and learning to get lax with my moral compass.
After 1 year of this my children asked to go live with their dad in NY. I think my lifestyle was beginning to scare them. The more books I read the more I became obsessed with spaceships, ascended masters and spending countless hours meditating, chanting and doing yoga to attain “peace of mind”. I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong by spending all my time and energy in this newfound Spirituality. In time I became a vegan and started to think everything was a conspiracy and claimed I was a freedom fighting truth seeker–the rabbit hole was very deep in this new age cult. Satan was splitting up my family even more with this paranoia and soon my children stopped talking to me. Meanwhile I thought I was on the right track to God and my eternal security. Boy was I wrong.
From Darkness to Light – Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life.
My life was getting darker, because I was surrounding myself in this false light. I was righteously believing that all my soul searching and spirit led activities were good. Even though it was obvious that what I was doing was hurting my Soul. It took years for me to realize that this way was only producing bad fruit and needless pain, but I was too stubborn to admit it. I was dabbling in this occult world and suffering from attacks by the satanic entities that I was tapping into psychically. I travelled all around the world to gurus and spiritual sites like Machu Pichu in Peru and Sai Baba in India. I saw supernatural things like honey flowing from an urn continuously and John of God in Brazil doing psychic surgeries. I began using crystals for healing and thinking that these “spirits” loved me and were of good Universal energy.
However I remember looking at Sai Baba and John of God and seeing darkness and evil in their eyes and wanting to flee. I ignored my gut feelings and allowed others to tell me differently. I remember once having the feeling that a spirit was trying to get in bed with me and there were times that I got raped in my dreams. These satanic attacks were growing in intensity causing panic attacks that left me tense and confused. I began wearing inappropriate “goddess” clothing that was too revealing and only attracting men that wanted sex.
Thankfully this degradation had an expiration date & God intervened. Far and wide people told me about Jesus and how to get Saved. I met a Christian at the Ashram in 2008, but didn’t listen. I was convinced that I didn’t need a savior. In 2011 someone told me in the little town in Brazil that John of God was Diablo. I wasn’t ready to hear. By the end of 2012 when nothing happened, no great Mayan calendar event–I stopped believing in anything, my faith was over and I was afraid and alone. I knew that the dark was real but didn’t know who God was anymore.
Then in May 2016 at an RV Park in Arizona, I met a person who told me how he came to Jesus, after his long story and with glazed eyes I went inside and complained to God saying, Why do you keep sending these Born Again Christians to me? I guess I was finally ready to listen because this is what happened next… a few weeks later I went to sleep and proceeded to have a night terror, only this time it had a different ending…as demons were chasing me, I turned around and yelled at them,
“Stop in the Name of Jesus Christ!”
Immediately the demons puffed up in black smoke and disappeared. I woke up baffled and began talking to God asking Him why I called on the name of the Lord, even when I didn’t believe in Jesus anymore. Right then I was convinced in the power of Jesus’ name and decided I would read the Bible. I said to God, I’ve been searching for you in every book about Eastern Religions and philosophy and now it was time to read his book to see if it was real. I asked him to guide me to the right bible and church.
I found a King James Bible at my local used bookstore and began reading. I also watched numerous videos on YouTube and found one Pastor who shared the Gospel. How Jesus was crucified and died and was buried and on the third day rose from the dead in fulfillment of the scriptures. That he came to take away the sins of the world. That he was God and the only way to God, not by works lest any man should boast. I started to believe. Still I was reluctant to give my life over to him right away. It took 4 months of studying the Bible until I admitted I was a sinner, repented and gave myself to Jesus Christ.
Amazingly, my life began to get brighter, my depression went away and I started to attend Church and make friends with other Christians and experience healthy relationships. Nobody shamed me for the way I dressed. They knew I was a baby Christian and that the Holy Spirit would convict me to change in time. I started hearing sermons and reading books like Proverbs and learned that I wanted to stop offending God and dress modestly. I also began to tithe and my finances which were dwindling began to improve. I was able to get a newer & bigger RV to live in. My body got healthier and my dreams got more peaceful, no longer was I being chased by demons and when I had a bad dream it didn’t wake me up breathless and scared. Instead I retained a calmness knowing that I’m not alone, that Jesus is watching over me and I’m well cared for. I had a peace that passes understanding. I wouldn’t say that all my problems went away, I’m still waiting to see if God will restore my relationship with my children. That hasn’t changed yet. It’s only been a little over a year since I took Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior so I know that God is in control and I trust his timing and His will.
I am engaged to a wonderful Christian man and God gave us a great place to live along the Colorado River, we’ll be married in less than a month. I got a dog from the shelter that I named Gracie and she is such a blessing like her name means gift from God. She’s sweet as honey. My fiancée’s family has become my family and we’re about to have our first grandchild be born. Once I said yes to Jesus, my whole life got better. The best part is I’m going to Heaven when I die, not Hell. Hallelujah, Praise the Lord!
Jesus is my best friend, I talk to him everyday and he helps me with even little things like when I’m crocheting and need to fix a stitch or when I can’t open something, right when I ask he opens it. He loves us and wants to take care of us. He is real. He will come and live inside you and guide your life. Peace and love is truly possible with him. Try it out like I did, just call on his name. It’s so simple. God bless you.