I want to start off by saying how difficult this is for me to share my story with all those who will read this. This is a true story and accurate to the best of my ability to remember.
Even though many of you will never see my face, the thoughts of those scars residing in times past, will without mercy overwhelm me, bringing that dark and tortured heartless nightmare back to a saved man once again. I should tell you even though these memories may bring great sadness to my heart, they by no means thrash me in slavery as they once did in my past. I am a man who has been covered by the blood of One who truly loves me, so much so, that when He took that wicked man that I was, upon Himself, I became stripped and emptied awaiting new instruction, left with a radiant new heart saved from the slavery in which I was chained to, for what I thought was an eternity without hope.
As a child I grew up in a home which harbored great physical abuse upon me and my siblings whenever we did anything wrong, or just because our father endured a trying day at work. My memories take me back to a time when my father’s rewards for our wrongs would bring the wrath of his belt, his fist or his open hands, and if by any means he did not feel satisfied, he would grab us by the ankles, hanging us upside down against the wall and would proceed in beating our heads into the floor.
We would be playing with great joy and sharing the thoughts of a child-like fantasy in some made up war theme, playing with little green army men, when suddenly our father, swinging the door open to our room with great force, bringing us to an immediate trembling in fear of the pain that was about to take place, grabbed my brother lifting him under the shoulder with one hand bringing him high and to the wall, proceeded to beat him as if he were a monstrous beast to be killed.
My heart would race and tears would fall from my eyes knowing that I was next and with great confusion and despair I could not find a place to hide avoiding the anger that filled my father’s heart at that very moment. When he finished with his violent corrections inflicted upon my brother, he quickly threw him aside and turned towards me as if a lions hunger was left unsatisfied. Quickly grabbing my shirt by the chest, with great force he threw me against the wall striking me in all vulnerable areas across my body, leaving me feeling each blow like a rippling explosion consuming my body every second. With a quickening speed, he pulled me away from the wall just to slam me back up against it once again, removing the very breath that was left within my body, bringing my cries for my mother to a silence.
Finishing his wrath from exhaustion, he threw me into the dresser as if I were a toy with such strength that it toppled over and crushed me underneath. The pain from the dresser falling upon my body was so over whelming that I again lost my breath, leaving me with an inability to cry out. Then walking out to leave us to care for our own wounds, we laid very still attempting to calm our rapid breathing, crying in silence, horribly afraid to make our father’s wrath any worse.
That night alone in my room after bedtime, by sheer desperation, after so many years of abuse I sought the help with praying hands calling upon satan himself to end my father’s reign in our lives. In peril and torment lasting day after day, hatred and anger became common place within my heart, birthing a vengeance inside of me that only satan himself could place a definition upon, and by no means was this vengeance passive or unresponsive. At the very age of 9 years old, I fired back, but not of my own will. something in me snapped, and even though I was still small in comparison to my father, I was a monster to be feared.
After a beating from my father one day, as he was walking out, I broke. My whole body and thought process just shattered. It was as if something else hoarded itself within me, taking over. Coming up from the floor with fire screaming from my eyes, I proceeded to attack my father grabbing anything and everything that was available to me at that time. From that moment on I could only remember bits and pieces of flashes as to what happened in all that took place. I had no idea as to what I had done, the most I can remember is my father running from me heading down the stairs and from there everything went black as if my very existence ceased. I awoke and everything in my room was destroyed, I struggled for air but couldn’t get enough, my sight was hindered by a fading blackness that would come and go within seconds, my body was paralyzed with exhaustion having tears falling from my eyes rolling off my cheeks, listening to every drop hit the floor as if I were floating over a pond.
Within a few minutes of my awakening I heard sirens, and soon after, the sounds of many footsteps racing up the stairs running to my room with many people hovering over me as if I were going to die. Sweeping me away just as quickly, they placed me, tied to a gurney, arms and legs restrained from any movement injecting me with something that immediately put me to sleep. When I awoke from the medication that was injected into me, I found myself locked in an institution being assessed for information concerning my long term stay.
It is with great sadness for me to say that my fears and pains were not over, I had a false hope of safety from the pains that I thought would end. I was now starting with a completely new round of torture and pain, one that I knew never existed, leaving me feeling hopeless and worthless as if my very life meant nothing to anyone. I was left without hope of ever feeling the love and joy from any one person again. I soon found myself in a downward spiral facing over 20 different institutions with my years as a youth and young adult. In those institutions, much hardships and hatred was engraved into me, searing within the very depths of my soul. I was at the mercy of those whom I was supposed to trust and yet even they found in their temptation ways to hurt me without others having any knowledge, threatening me of the oncoming doom I would endure if I was to ever reveal their dirty secrets. In my growth relationships with others was, “to say the least,” unhealthy. All my friendships and relationships were born and tilled in these institutions. My first girl, fights, fun, arguments and schooling were all part of my life in these institutions. I even received my GED under the guardianship of a state institution.
By the time I was sent back to my parents, we were moved by my father’s new job within months of my release. In no time, I lost the ability to remain in my new home because of my disobedience leaving me homeless and in hunger. I ended up finding a place to stay in these apartments that were being constructed about a mile away and my little brother with his great dedication would bring me food and drink, hoping for a better solution to my situation. But in desperation and lack of wisdom and anger, I felt I had to make a choice and I knew no one in the new state that I lived in and knew many from the state that I left , so with little, money and no clothes to pack I left and headed to those I knew best and felt safest. To my surprise very few came to my response for help and being under age I had no real avenue or prospects for work. The streets became my home now and I soon found out just how keen predators were in picking out those who were runaways or just lost and desperate souls.
It happened within the first day, I was manipulated into going with this man to his home and being as hungry as I was, the promise of money through small tasks, seemed alluring, tempting me to a degree of happiness through the pounding uneasiness residing within the depths of my stomach. As soon as we got to his home these tasks changed and he took off his shirt and requested that I rub his back. I was in danger and I knew it, so giving him a relaxed agreement, I told him to lay down and when he did I immediately ran to and out the door and continued to run until I could take no more hiding in a building shaking in great fear of him ever finding me. You may find this to be a lesser story to which you might have wanted to read but nevertheless the impact of the immediate danger was real and the offences of my past granted me the wisdom of discernment. The rules of survival had changed; I was no longer living in a controlled environment and no longer were others also limited by their environment. It was a grab for all, especially in the parts of the city that I found to be easy access to the things I might need.
As days went on I soon became so overwhelmed with hunger that I raided a McDonalds dumpster in order to fill my stomach. And fill that stomach I did. My time spent looming on the streets left cold, hungry and scared had me searching for places on a nightly basis to rest my head in a safe environment. The goodwill dumpsters became my home at night finding warm donated blankets and safety because I could dig myself deep and be hid out of site. About a year later I was so fed up with the life on the streets being unpredictable at every turn I soon pickup a pay phone and dialed 911 telling them that I was a run away from another state and I needed help. It didn’t take long for them to arrive and with gentleness they brought me back to the station and questioned me as to where I was from and do I want to go back. As much as I didn’t want the same thing to continue to happen with me and my father I said yes I want to go home. The officer got up from the table and went and called my parents house and soon returned with an angered look upon his face, and with compassion and regret he told me my father never wanted to see me again. I was speechless but not surprised and yet for some reason it hurt. I was soon within 1hr or so delivered to a lockup for kids until they could determine what to do with me. Within weeks I was taken in front of the family courts asking me as to why I was in the situation that I was and with the answer explained they were still left as to where to put me. I told them that I could stay at a homeless shelter until my birthday and then they could release me from state guardianship at that time reaching the age of 18.
To my surprise this was allowed.
After years in this never ending cycle of a perverted and tampered edition to the meaning of life, I did find a way out and to me it was the Holy Grail (Drugs and alcohol). These two mind bending products hid the pain and brought about a boy who in times past could only fantasize such happiness. By no means did this cure me as to what I thought was my life beginning anew, though I was numb to the abominations of my current and past circumstances, what I felt to be a new life soon became a hidden liability changing me into the hunter and not the hunted. I inflicted much pain and tribulations upon those whom I thought were my friends and those closes to me, even the stranger passing by. I’ve stabbed people, and stolen that which never belonged to me, from homes, people, cars and whatever I suppose you could ponder. I received what I reaped in many lockup facilities and each time I came out going right back to the drugs and alcohol, those products I felt to be the loved ones of my life in that I could trust and base my daily decisions on. I know now more than ever that if I hadn’t been under such influence of drugs and alcohol that there would be several people who would be at peace in their lives, not troubled over being victimized by what they may interpret as a heartless piece of trash worthy of only darkness behind bars.
The thrashings of my past living within me dictating and consuming my soul with fire left me alone not only within myself but brought a wall between me and my Creator. It was always the thoughts as to why did all this happen to me and how can I end this with the impurities and evil to be imputed to all those whom I felt transgressed me. I, of myself, became an idol to my surroundings and by no means did I ever feel or consider as though I was undeserving of the satisfaction for revenge. I cannot stress the hatred and the evil that took comfort within the depths of me. I felt as if you all had no right to live and with that I was the one who should address the actions into your deaths. I ponder wicked thoughts in my heart and wished horrible things to take place upon others hoping for their torturous downfall. I wasted so much time hoping for the fall of those who hurt me, wishing those who tore pieces from my heart would suffer a greater torment.
I never knew how much time I wasted in allowing such thoughts to consume me. My anger and hatred for others imprisoned me. I was no one but belonged to everyone. I’ve spent 35 years of my life thinking of nothing more but vengeance. In that energy and emotion I spent so much in thought towards others that I found myself to be lonely, hurting for more, searching for truth and peace from this torture that I myself fed throughout my lifetime. Eventually my anger directed itself inward. I found myself to be thinking bad thoughts just by habit and yet my very heart cried out for understanding and comfort. I could take no more, I knew no way out, my very life was consumed with the thoughts of others and they themselves where carrying on with their lives as joyful and fulfilling without thought of me. I didn’t matter to them.
I was broken and didn’t know it, I was laid up in sickness and dying in an illness that consumed me by habit. The doctors knew and spoke of my nearing death. I was finally at the end I could go no father in my dying body and I knew within the marrow of my very bones that I was condemned. I knew even though that every part of me was wicked and undeserving that there was hope, I knew because I saw no other path that lead out but the path of righteousness. I broke down and cried upon my covers and asked with a fearful broken heart calling out to God, Save me Father, save me, I am so undeserving of your love, let alone your desiring attention, yet I, Father, ask within my cold and wicked heart will you please take this broken man that you see and save me from the depth of hell that I so well deserve.I am yours I surrender; you have all of me, do with me what you wish, just please come into my life and save me my Father.
With those last words coming to a finish in my prayerful cries to God a voice penetrated every part of my body giving me that chance allowing me to know that He would be there for me, but it was the only chance I had. I was afraid, I had not experienced such a thing in my life, but I submitted to His authority and from that very moment on I walked as a new born baby, walking and stumbling throughout my new growth with a new heart. I cried so much in pain from all the years I’ve wasted not knowing the love and forgiveness that God’s Son Jesus Christ has had awaiting for me. My life was made new in Christ, I am in love with others and think not of the wicked things I can do to others, but have much concern for those who take so much of their own thoughts and time to justify their hatred. I stemmed such growth on the very words of God to counsel me in my every step. If I slipped and reverted to a sneaking wicked habit I would call out the words of encouragement and love from the Bible, casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ. I knew in my heart that I was a refined individual stepping ever closer to that heavenly gift promised to me. And yes my friends my walk with Christ was not one filled with riches and complete peace in this world but one filled with riches and peace within the Holy Spirits residing presence in my body, having a growth and understanding from the temptations and hard times, refining the new man that I am, founded firmly in God’s word ready for that righteous and revealing Day of Judgment for all.
In all, I may have had some hard times in my growth with God but my heart stayed at peace in Jesus and as I drew closer to Him, He drew closer to me, filling me with his wisdom and love for all. I could not and would not trade my true love “God Almighty the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ” for the life that I left behind. I no longer stand in fire with the hatred of satan within my heart. I now stand in righteousness firmly founded upon the true wisdom in guidance and love for every thought and step I take in this new life. Our anger that we hold in our hearts, only projects an image of immaturity and loneliness posting our feelings as if we deserved the throne of charity, boasting around about as if we owned authority. We already stand condemned in our lives without Christ Jesus, even if we live a life of joy and prosperity, even if you fill that you stood strong guiding your children up in great wisdom, even if you strived to love and give to others with all your might and dedication.
In all this, “anger,” “depression,” happiness,” “a giving heart,” a dedicated mother or father or a hard responsible worker, you will still stand condemned being judged alone and your sentence will be that of an eternity in the depths hell to be tormented forever, never seeing another death again.
If you have not the Father, all that you do stands against the Father being sin and the Father being God Almighty in His Righteous Judgment cannot and will not look upon you with mercy in that revealing day of his Glorious Sons coming for the gathering of his children, those who have died first then those who stand alive next but all taken within a twinkling of an eye.
But in all this suffering and prideful living, we don’t have to stand alone to face this judgment and condemnation, for we have an attorney (Jesus Christ), an advocate standing with powers far above kings and kings against kings, ruling all as far beyond the sights that man could endure to see or imagine. Where by Him in His unwavering love, will stand in our place and speak of the great sacrifice that has been given to cover our sins. There is no room for Christ in our lives while such bountiful riches in our hearts take weight to the wants and desires of this world in the individual’s life.
You may fill as though it’s too much to give up, too much has been done, I have so much to straighten out, if only I can just put this away. Take this, my very words to heart with all sincerity that I speak to you. Through the very thoughts being of the same mind in times past that you now have, I give you this promise as even the Father has promised me and all those who come to Him unclean or clean. You can at anytime with a sincere and repentive heart call upon the name of Jesus Christ confessing your sins no matter how big or small and in you will He fill with His Holy Spirit, renewing your hearts in a new birth ready for that redeeming and revealing day of salvation for all whom believe in the Son of God. Remember also this, if by any means this may comfort you, God does not measure salvation by the weight that you carry, instead the Fathers Son Jesus Christ enduring the burdens of sin throughout the world died so that he could lift that weight off your shoulders carrying it for you.
When I gave all that I was to Jesus allowing his love to bear my burdens, I became free in spirit and mind. I can only pray and look upon you with a wishful heart that you would share such a gift with me being released and having hope in the now and ever after.
This testimony is such a small piece from that person you may think you see. But let me please with love speak to you with gratitude thanking my Father God almighty and the Father of our precious Lord Jesus Christ, that by my tribulations and trials, though they be in many numbers, they are the golden cups by which I may drink of for your edification, confirming the love and patience of our Father, tilling and planting the purity of truth into your groaning hearts for the revelation of Jesus Christ your Savoir and love, that you by no means search any excuse to deny Him but by the wants of your own hearts condemning yourselves to the eternal condemnation awaiting all those that choose by freewill “that” which they can see, leaving behind “that” they cannot see bringing the very words “Faith and Hope” to no avail.
I pray my most precious love. Please awaken a dead, angry and wounded heart out of the condemnation of eternal fire awaiting those who know you not and give them the same confirming hope that you so graciously blessed upon me. Watch over them and give them light to see, circumcising their minds for your glory and their understanding, walking in confidence on that narrow road leading to your kingdom. Bless them Father Bless them even from the very concerns of my heart, if it be your will. In your Son’s Blessed name I pray for them Father, for your Glory and Kingdom will come, in your name will a new earth be revealed and may we all find Your Welcoming Arms awaiting us in our day of redemption.