The Beginning of True Repentance

Before I put my trust in Christ my life was driven by selfishness and addiction. My chief goal was to maximize my pleasure and minimize my suffering, even if my pleasure was at the expense of someone else’s suffering. I was blind to the consequences of my behaviour.

I’ve been in prison and I’ve lived in multiple homeless hostels; it didn’t matter how many times I hit rock bottom, I’d get better for a short period, and then I’d do it all over again. I did this for years. Then one day I found myself completely broken withdrawing cold turkey from heroin. I just remember the shame and absolute hopelessness I felt having found myself in the same situation I promised I would never go back to, but here I was once again.

It was at this point my soul cried out to God. My broken spirit had literally given up and for the first time overcome my pride by asking God for help. Now I didn’t have a Damascus Road encounter or feel all warm and fuzzy inside, I still had a long road ahead of me.

Shortly after this, I began asking deep questions about God and attempted to study the bible from time to time, with not much joy. But gradually little glimmers of light began to shine through revealing a kind and compassionate God who loves me. Eventually I started attending Church and began taking Christianity seriously. Then one day I was at my brother’s house telling him how I’ve turned my life around and I was even getting involved in my local church. And he asked me, he said, “So is that you a proper Christian now?”

I said, quite confidently, “Yeah”.

And he said with this doubtful look on his face, “What, and you believe everything in the bible?”.

At this point I had already committed to trusting the Bible was inspired by God himself, but my understanding and my faith was still very weak, and I was honest and I said “Yeah, I do…but I still struggle with certain bits.

And of course, he asked, “what bits?”, and again, I was completely honest, and reluctantly, I said “Well…just a couple of things like the resurrection and…”

And before I could even finish my sentence, he laughed and said, “The resurrection! Isn’t that one of the most important parts?”

And it pained me to admit that he was right. But instead of discouraging me, which was his plan, it motivated me to look more closely at who Jesus Christ is and what he achieved for us on the cross. By doing so, my eyes were opened to the Holy perfections of a gracious God. Which in turn shone a light on my inherent sinfulness and my need for Jesus as my saviour. This for me, was the beginning of true repentance, not the selfish repentance I experienced in the past feeling sorry for myself.

It was from this point the Holy Spirit really began convincing me of these truths, producing in me a change worthy of my repentance. It was no longer about the outward appearance of change just to look good, which was normally brought about by my pride and was always very short lived. But a complete transformation and direction of my thoughts, desires, and emotional responses towards God and humanity.

The deep-seated guilt and spiritual emptiness I had felt all my life because of my sin had been lifted and replaced by the presence of God’s peace and joy. The power of sin over my life had been broken. I completely gave up drinking and taking drugs and I even stopped smoking.

This has been a long journey for me, it didn’t happen overnight, looking back, now I can see God’s sovereign hand working through my life, right from the very beginning, providing direction, comfort and hope during my darkest days and strengthening my faith as I went along, and continues to do so.

Without God’s grace I would not be here today giving my testimony, and I thank him every single day for this blessing. And now, filled with gratitude, I want to reflect that wonderful love and grace back onto the world and into the hearts of those who need it most. My desire is that those who hear my testimony will be given hope and encouraged to seek out Jesus, regardless of the life they may be leading, the sins they may be battling or the spiritual void they may be trying to fill. If he can transform a hopeless sinner like me, I know he will do the same for them.

Dan Cook