Thankful in the Midst of Pain

Many years ago, as a young teenager living through one of the darkest times of my life, I decided I couldn’t go on. I planned to end my life once everyone in the house was asleep. While I waited for my father to come home from work—terrified and with nowhere to hide—I lay curled up on my bed, trying to make myself as small as possible. My dachshund, just as frightened as I was, stayed at my feet. I kept glancing at my watch, knowing my father would walk through the door at any moment.

I closed my eyes, not to pray, but to escape the tormenting lies telling me I was alone and unable to face even one more day. Then, suddenly, I found myself above my own body. I saw my little dog still curled at my feet. I saw myself lying there, trembling. And I saw a majestic light reaching out toward me, gently stroking my head and calming my spirit. Within me, I heard the words: “Never give up. One day you will understand why the Lord is allowing you to live this life.”

The next moment I was back in my body. I sat up and looked at my watch—no time had passed. I knew I had not fallen asleep, and I knew it was no dream. When I reached up to touch my head, I could still feel the warmth where I had been stroked; my hair stood on end. In that moment, I understood that the Lord had made me a promise: that this day, and all the days ahead, would be used for His glory.

That doesn’t mean I have never had desperate thoughts again. I still face fear, hopelessness, and tragedy. But I move forward with His promise that every hurt—no matter how painful—can become a tool in His hands. Our hardships become our testimony. This is one of mine.

I endured extreme mental abuse, lived in fear of physical abuse, and chased perfection to avoid triggering it. I was ostracized by peers and endured violations that marked my childhood. But that day, as a teenager, the Lord visited me. I realized these were battles I would have to face and overcome—but not alone. The abuse didn’t end immediately, but the voice telling me I couldn’t survive one more day was silenced. It was replaced by the Holy Spirit reminding me that I can face one more day because I have Jesus.

I once believed I had nowhere to hide, yet with Jesus my soul has always been sheltered. Every struggle I’ve faced has allowed His light to shine through me. The Lord doesn’t always stop the fires, but He carries us through them if we let Him. If we choose Him, He gives us the strength to continue—stronger than before.

I sometimes forget and rush ahead on my own, but I still cling to the rare and precious gift He gave me that day. As a teen, when I needed it most, I learned the importance of being thankful even in the midst of pain. He wants me to share my story so others can see the victory and love we have with the Lord Jesus by our side.