It was filled with Depression, Anger, Jelousy, Lust, Drugs, Alchohol, Hate, Rebellion, Tattoos, Peircings…The World…
In The Beginning:
With me it starts back when I was younger, I remember being really young and asking God, whom I believed existed at that time, for a pair of rollerblades and telling Him if I didn’t get them I wouldn’t believe in Him. Of course when I didn’t get those rollerblades I was like “well ok God I still believe in you” I didn’t grow up in a christian home or one that went to church but the Lord had worked in my heart as a young child and had a calling on my life. I grew up in a broken home, my parents were still together but were as far apart from eachother emotionally that it made no difference together or not. My dad was an alchoholic, we grew up in a small town where you had the bushes and mountains are your back yard so everyday that my dad wasnt working if he wasnt smoking and drinking at home he was out camping, fishing, hunting anywhere but at home. My mom raised my brother, sister and I herself. It made no difference to us whether he was home or not because to us we didnt really have a dad. He was never around so we never got to know Him. I grew up the middle child, my sister being firstborn got attention from my dad a bit because she was oldest and first, than i came right after, 2 months after she was born mom was pregnant with me. Little brother came along a couple years later and had dads favor because he was the boy. The little man. Of course this is how I saw it growing up. I grew up under alot of abuse from my dad, I grew up with a negative mindset of myself and of alot of things around me. I grew up really having a hard time trusting poeple and because of the situation at home I grew up being a compulsive liar. I lied about everything and anything I could fathom in my imagination. As a kid and growing up I knew that God existed and always called my self a christian but not really knowing what that meant or anything I found later that through my lifestyle that I was disgracing His name. As I got older ,12-ish, I started attending a youth group, this was exciting because I really wanted to have a relationship with the Lord and thought that if I started going to church than my family would come and everything would be okay in our house, it would make everything better but most of all was the part where I wanted desperately to know God, but unfortunately even attending a church I never did get to. I went to church for 4 years untill I was sixteen and it basically was just a security for me. A comfort thinking that if I went to church and professed to know Christ and ” lived a good life” I would go to heaven. Deep in my heart there was conviction but I didn’t know that it was a conviction to turn from my sin and come out from the world or be seperate, all of what the word and Jesus tell us to, I never heard this kind of thing from my church or anything like this. I did everything the world still told me to do, I talked like the world, acted like the world and lived like the world. I professed to be a christian and would say it but I wasn’t living it. It was all just a ticket into heaven for me. At the age of sixteen I moved from a small town of 8000 people to a city of 500 000 plus. That’s where it really went downhill, I thought it would be the highlight of my life though, I thought I could start live over and try new things and no one would know who I was or what anything in my life was like. But that just consisted in me lieing more and more until I came to the point I had decieved myself on many things and didnt even know what was truth. I started doing things I never thought I would do because I started feeling such a void in myself, and emptiness. Complete loneliness and despair. Looking around me I saw people who tattoos and peircings who seemed to be happy, and I thought because they had this mark on them that maybe thats what I needed to do. Of course I see this all now but back than I was just looking and searching for fullfillment. So for my sixteenth birthday, about a week after we moved,I got my first tattoo, and than after that peircings and I didnt stop for two years. I went on and on getting more and more of these things because at first it filled it, I was more popular because at that time I was in the only girl in my highschool of 1400 who had a tattoo. The more these things became popular I had to find other things to draw attention to myself. I went to drugs after and drinking and parties and it satisfied for a short time but I felt more and more dead. I got more piercings, tattoos, I did drugs, I was in complete rebellion to the word of God.
God Hates Religion. He’s Freedom. Your not under Law you under Grace!:
I always knew that there was more, so much more, than going to church on Sundays, and saying you believed in God. I was so lukewarm it made me sick. The Lord was convicting me over and over of sin in my life, but I had no knowledge of it because no church I ever attended had told me I needed to turn from sin and walk holy and blameless with the Lord by His grace and faith.
But the Lord never gave up on me, I was struggling at home, My parents fought everyday. The word of God says the Love of money is the root of all sorts of evil, and that was a very strong root in my home. I had so much hatred towards my sister and dad, that I wanted to just leave. I was so ashamed of my family so this was a part of why I lied, like an unbelievable extreme liar. Ask me how I was doing, what I was doing, absolutely anything, (even my own name sometimes) and I would lie. I had done it for so long that I got so good at it, I could convince anyone except the Lord. I had a backup lie for whatever lie that someone may have been smart enough to find out, I was a quick thinker and had quite the imagination I could come up with absolutely anything and keep it realistic. I wanted so bad to be happy I did everything the world told you to, to fit in and be comfortable in the world and “ok” in the worlds standards.
I used to cry out to God because I had little little knowledge of the word and “the end times” that whenever I saw a red moon or the word “Hell” my heart would go pounding and the fear of God would just hit me. I asked the Lord ” Jesus if you are real, and I know there something more then just saying ‘I’m a christian’. Please if your there just take me away somewhere, I just wanna disappear and start my life over, I want to go to a deserted island where I know nobody, theres no one there and its just me and you” I wanted all the cursing and hyprocrisy in my own life to end. I had to come to the point where I saw my sin and everything in my life was not fullfilling or making me happy like I wanted. I had no peace, I was depressed and angry. I would always try to change, to wake up and a be different person, literally leaving myself little notes reminding myself to be different today. In my own strength and trying everything I could, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be set free from my sin, or my love of it. I came to the place where I desperately wanted to change, I had no idea of the cost but part of me didn’t care. Everything in my life started to fall apart by this point, it was now the end of Grade 12 and it seemed like things couldnt get worse, but they always did. Friends started finding the truth out and I lost all my friends right after graduation, things at home were even worse. I just wanted to be set free and to have the peace of God and love of God ruling over my heart.
Over and over and over I would pray and one day He answered. I went to a youth retreat that my sister had previously worked at, she didnt want to at first because she was suspsious as to why I wanted to go but she finally allowed me and at first I hated it. I was so desperate though that I wanted to change. At first I didnt even wanna go to this camp or anything because I had tried the whole church thing and what I thought was serving Jesus but I had only become religious. But I did go after things got really bad because I wanted it to end. I went there not knowing anyone and I just thought ” man this isnt my thing” . I tried to make things fun but got in trouble when I did, they wanted the weekend to be quiet serious and me I couldnt handle any talk about Jesus. I wanted out but they wouldnt let me leave. So I slept through the first night in anger because I wanted out. The next night though I saw a girl worshipping the Lord one night and I noticed something in her, she just had, such a peace over her. There was something different in her and her worship that I had never seen in anyone I had ever met at any church. I remember thinking ” what is this girl has that I dont, or that most poeple dont” ” I want what she has!” That night it ended up that our matts ( for all the girls were in one room) ended up being right by eachother, after much fighting it off and reasoning I finally rolled over and asked her a question about the Holy Spirit. We stayed up all night talking, told eachother everything about eachother, and the one thing that amazed me that night was that I hadn’t lied to her once! I was completely open and honest about everything. We had clicked and got along so well, we spent hours just talking and s haring things with eachother that you usually dont share with people you have just me. I was touched by her testimony and her freedom from sin that I wanted it! I gave my life to the Lord at the weekend and went home and for about two days I was really on fire. But again, without any knowledge of the word and turning from sin and from my old ways, I went and hung out with my old friends thinking I could do it on my strength, Not knowing that a little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough, I fell back. This girl tried and tried for 2 months to get ahold of me, I avoided alot of her calls or lied to her on the phone and said I was busy or Id call her back. Finally, she got ahold of me and told me she was leaving to go to B.C and didnt know if she would be coming back for a while. Immediately my heart was stirred to get together with her, because of the bond that had happened so quickly that night I didn’t want it to just end. I was afraid because she had been really growing the Lord and I wasn’t. But there was such a love coming from her that apart of me really wanted to see her and talk to her again before she left.
THE POWER OF GOD:
So I really wanted to get together with her before she left because I knew that something had indeed happened that weekend and something was different. So anyway, I made arrangements to go to her house a couple nights before she left. She than called me and told me she had other friends down from B.C and that we were going to have a bible study, but then I cancelled because of fear and lies from the devil. I said ” No I am not going than, Im not going to a bible study, your friends are all Godly and there just going to judge me and preach to me and I dont want that. He had brought the thoughts of ” oh well theres another day, you dont want to get together with her, shes a Jesus freak..or they are all bible people and you’re a sinner, you have no chance” But with her obedience to the Holy Spirits leading she showed up at my house to pick me up. There was great confusion because I thought I made it clear that I wasnt going, but she thought I said I would still going and so Hallelujah for that! I went that night and felt so awkward cause 3 days earlier I had been at the bar. So I knew inside of my hyprocrisy and I was convicted but I would defend it or justify it in some way in my mind. So she and the other girls told me their testimonys and I was so shocked! Testimonies of freedom from sin and the love of it, How God had given them a desire to pray and read the word and follow Jesus. They were completely surrended to Christ and set free from Anger, jelous, hurt, depression, lust, drugs, and all these other things. They invinted me to b.c with them but I said I wouldnt go becuase all I was talking about was my trip to montreal I had planned for 2 weeks later. I had planned on moving there and not telling my family, just saying I was going to visit but not coming back. Tammy ( the girl from the camp) than went upstairs to pray for me, that God would change my heart if He didnt want me to go montreal and that my eyes would be opened to the truth. After she was praying she came back downstairs and sat down, she looked at me and told me how she used to pray ” God take me away…” the same prayer I use to pray. Now this was Jan 19/03, I had quit my job that month bought the ticket to montreal to go live with my family. She than started telling me about this place where she heard the truth of God and that the truth sets you free! She testified to me of how God changed her and set her free and how her desires for everything of this world left and how she was going back to the fellowship in the town where she had heard this truth and where the fear of God was being preached. God had truly given her the words to say because it was what I had always wanted and then it happened so suddenly the Holy Spirit came, it came like a mighty rushing wind and changed my heart! We all stopped talking and I said ” I have to go to B.C” It was completely silent… then a burst of Joy flooded those two girls and all I could do was sit in shock. I just knew I had to go, something in my heart was pressing on me and I knew that this was the step of faith that I needed to take. So for 3 days I stayed at her house, hearing the word of God and truth, receiving it in a way I had never heard before. It started becoming alive to me, and I wanted to know more. So the next day I cancelled my plane ticket to montreal and I bought a new one to B.C. I was leaving in 3 days so I decided to go head back home and pack and tell my family. When I told my mom, she didn’t believe me, at first and when she saw I was serious they all didn’t understand. I got a lot of persecution from my family saying I was crazy and going insane and they were very serious and upset. My mom was tremendously hurt that I had cancelled my plane ticket to go to Montreal because she was going to go with me ( she had no idea that I was planning on staying at the time though). The devil brought alot of bitterness in my family, my brother who I was very close with back than threatened me and said to me ” If I leave, everything me and him had would be gone” This was the biggest thing I had ever heard from my brother and I knew he was serious. I than cried out to the Lord that night and said ” Oh Jesus if you really want me to go to B.C and do this crazy step than please tell me, please show me something or I am not going.” I was so scared of losing my relationship with my brother, I went to sleep that night and when I woke up, I had so much peace. All anxieties and worries and everything left. I had joy in my heart and a desire to know Jesus. It was like I had completely forgotten about the fear tactics and threats the devil had used through my family and started packing. They all proceeded to tell me they didnt recognize me. Three days later I was gone. Jesus started doing a change in my life, I started getting rid of things in my life I knew God was convicting me on, one was alot of my make-up, t.v was a big thing in my life. I got rid of t.v in my life. I had no desire to do any of the things I used to do. I quit the drugs and everything with no cravings or withdrawls or anything. All freedom! I had a completely new life, my desires were to know God and to pray and read and all these things which I never knew I would have. I had an actual living relationship with Jesus. I spent almost 6 months in B.C until I felt the Spirit tell me it was time to return to Calgary (home). I came back, and my family all said they didnt recognize me, they dont even know who I am anymore. All I can say is Hallelujah because If anyone is in Christ, He is a new Creation, Old things have passed away. Behond all things have become new!! 2 Corinthians 5:17! He has set me free from Sin! All desires for the things I used to do, or how I acted and everything completely changed. I was so depressed and always searching for some fulfillment and what this world had to offer but it all left and such satisfaction and contentment with Jesus came. By His blood and by His Grace Im no longer a sinner and a blasphemer of God. Now I just dont profess Christ, I live Christ and do His Will. Why live in Sin when we dont have to? Hallelujah He came just for that!
I thank you so much for reading this and pray that the Lord has encouraged you through this!!
God Bless You !!!
If you have any questions please email me!
One thing I also want to say is that, even though Tammy ( the girl who testified to me) and I prayed those prayers of “God take me away” Hes always answered in ways that havent been completely natural, but mostly spiritual. So I didnt leave the country or go to a deserted Island, but I did leave my old life behind and that was God taking me away. As did Tammy, we left everything we had because we came to a place where we knew that it had nothing to offer us and we choose to live the way God wanted us to, in Joy, in such amazing peace of mind, IN HIM. Sure, theirs trials and we have to pick up our cross, but God gives us grace and strength, because He loves us that much that He knows that no good thing dwells in this flesh so He wants to have His Spirit, His Son move and work in us that He may look on us and be pleased. Without Faith it is impossible to please God. Gods done it all friends, our depression, our hurt, our anxieties, our unrestfulness, Hes done it all.
*There are two kinds of poeple, those dead TO sin and those dead IN sin*
Don’t worry about the ” grass not being greener on the other side” for not only is the grass greener, the roses smell prettier, the sun shines brighter, the joy is greater, and the peace surpasses all understanding.
“Do not love the world nor the things in the world If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world. The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever. ”