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Struggle to Believe

Well if should start somewhere, I should start in 2005, my cousin Jennifer was diagnosed with cancer. So in my innocence, not able to comprehend cancer, I prayed that she would get better. But it was terminal cancer. So in a few months she had gone to chemotherapy and had looked like she was getting better. So she decided to go and do things she wanted to do in life with her mum Kate.

But on the 9th of December, wile me and my mum were putting up the Christmas tree, little did I know Jennifer had taken sick that day and then just as we had finished, my dad phoned and asked to speak to my mum. When she had finished talking she sat me down. The tone of her voice was nothing like I’d ever heard, she told me what my dad phoned for. Jennifer had passed away.

In a state of shock and sadness, I began to weep, thinking why her. I didn’t attend school for a few days, I was only 11 at the time. So on the 12th of December, I attended her funeral, still crying, but I had a sense of anger and anguish towards God as I thought he was supposed to help her get better. When the mass ended my mum took me out for lunch while I saw my classmates go into practice for the carol service. But the thought never left my mind.

So now we come to 2010, August 29th, I was on holiday with my mum, Aunt, Granny and Granda. We were having a good time but I had a though, I haven’t talked to my dad in a while I’ll give him a ring when I get back. Well he tried ringing me but I didn’t get to answer cause I didn’t know. (Little did I know this would be a thing I’d regret in the future)

Well I got home and school was closing in so I got ready and I was buzzing to go back. It was Wednesday 1st September 2010, I had come home from school and had been relaxing on the sofa. Well then there was a rap on the door, 2 men were standing there. I didn’t know at the time they were my uncle and cousin but they wished to speak to my mum alone.

Later in the day after dinner. My mum asked to speak to me. She sat me down and started to speak in that dreaded tone her words were

“I have some bad news.”

I had a confused look on my face but she continued.

“Its about your daddy.”

Like a sword in the heart and with no time to spare I broke down in tears, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, it couldn’t be true.

But it was. I questioned God’s existence then when people told me it was all part of his plan I felt like taking a knife to my chest and tearing my heart out. I stopped believing in god. During my Fathers funeral, I said one of the readings. It had been picked by my Aunt Kate, and I could barely keep calm enough to say it. But it was a Beautiful sendoff. For me lifting his coffin was challenging as my heart just couldn’t take it. But with my friends, family and my dad’s friends I felt more calm.

Months later when I went to the grave. The stone there said upon it my fathers name. Reality hit me, I’m one of the few whose lives are effected by this. None cares, life goes on. I start to talk to the stone, hoping I wasn’t going insane. I stopped believing in God thinking I had been let down so I felt I was alone.

Well I have changed and it was all thanks to my friends especially Alanna, My mum and Youth Initiatives more Formally the Best project. I have all you people to thank. Alex you never lost faith, in that id be able to regain mine. Thank you. Michi thank you for having conversations about religion with me, although I may have been arguing a lot I was looking for an answer. To Terrance thank you for listening to what I had to say, and helping me understand, even if I had only been talking to for a bit thank you.. And everyone who helped me and for anyone who prayed for me ever.

I smile like I used to now. Thank you.


  1. sarafina 11/25/2011
  2. Hope 11/26/2011

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